The Barbie Collection
Moderator: negatvone
- His Barbie Doll
- Peppermint Princess
- Posts: 248
- Joined: Wed Jun 25, 2003 12:01 am
- Tag line: Bc Im cool like that
- Location: Nowhere, OH... USA
- Contact:
The Barbie Collection
It's all in one post now...
His Barbie Doll
My name is a name
My first name is a name
That is rare and very unique
It makes me feel special
In times that seem so bleak
My middle name is a name
It holds beauty and is sweet
After my mother, and my grandmother
The sound is really quite neat
My last name is a name
That I hold great pride within
From my father’s father to my father
I’m not sure where it did begin
My name is a name
That only I can hold
Great pride and great beauty
A name as good as gold
A name can hold so many
Different meanings and emotions
To hold pride within one special name
Is nothing short of devotion
Sacrificing My Own Heart
I guess I have to let you go now
I know she doesn't like it
All the things I've done
No matter what she say
No matter what she does
She is my kindred, my life, my soul
I've given her what meant the most
What a cost it was to me
Sacrificing my own heart
To make sure you two were happy
Now the path is not so clear
So many obstacles, with no light
Kurt said, with the lights out
It's less dangerous
Kurt was on drugs, what was he talking about?
I hope you know I love you both
I wouldn't screw this up for the world
I never want to hurt my friends
So I'll let go and say good-bye
Hoping... Wishing, this were the end...
*Note: To those of you who noticed that in the third stanza I was speaking of Kurt Cobain, and are fans of him, don't get mad at me or take offense to me saying he didn't know what he was talking about and all that... I wasn't happy when I wrote this... I think Kurt's great! lol *
to take away
I am dying here, weeping in the night:
tearing through this hurtful loss,
heart so torn and gaunt.
this dread so severed,
a deathly void,
given away;
yet I wish for
your lips so warm.
Untitled
I have no life
And this is true
All I wanted
Was love from you
But now I see
I have no chance
But still I'm here
Strong in stance
Hoping one day
It will pull through
And maybe someday
I might have you
But till that day
I'll let it go
Maybe one day
It will finally show
Floodgates
I like you, but I’m not allowed
I don’t want hurt again
But your smile makes me happy now
I’m growing warm within
It drives me nuts,
I can’t sit still
I want to be around you
These things I want to feel
I knew if I admitted this
The floodgates would burst open
My heart would ride out, on a wave
No clue where it’s going
I tried to keep it locked inside
But this is getting way too strong
And I’m sorry it I’m not right by this
But this feeling does not seem wrong
So I’ll just ride the wave to sea
And see where I wash up on shore
Maybe I’ll get lucky enough
To end up at your door…
For My Jen...
I'm starting to remember
The feelings I once held
How I had loved you so my dear
And how painfully I had fell
I can't help but think
I'm an imbecile
To not hate her so
Even still
But I guess a guy
Can't tear apart
The one true thing
That holds a heart
You are my friend
And always shall be
How could I have been so dumb
To not be able to see
I'll never have a happy ending...
I'll never have a happy ending
Never find my prince
I was made to stay alone
Of this I am convinced
I thought you were my everything
The one I could really trust
But I guess it was too much for you
And staying friends became a must
I thought that we could share our souls
Become the cutest pair
How foolish of me to think myself lucky
Just knowing that life's not fair
I want so dearly to hate you so
But deep down I know I won't
No matter what you'll ever think
Deep down I know I don't
So I'll go on, alone but true
Always knowing, I'll always love you...
No body else...
My mind is racing
I can't stand still
Can't stop pacing
Waiting until
I can hear your voice
Say 'I love you' again
I can't contain
My love within
As corny as I sound
When I do finally fall
It doesn't change the fact
That you've become my all
I can't believe that you are mine
And no longer are we alone
I've loved you forever
I guess a matchmaker can have her own
So please don't leave me
To fend for myself
Because the way it looks from here
My future has no body else...
Stood Up...
The cold bit at her finger tips
As she waited in the lot
Now becoming worrisome
Not knowing if he'd show or not
He was supposed to pick her up
Outside the church at eight o'clock
She waited till eight-forty
She guessed it really was no shock
For she had known inside her mind
She had figured it days in advance
He probably wasn't going to show
After all, he was a man
Angered beyond belief
But she was hurting so much more
She hated to go back to her friends
Because she knew they'd ask what for
Stood up by the only guy
That in eighteen years had agreed to go
On a date with her at eight o'clock
To see the nine o'clock show
Stood up by the only guy
To ever think her pretty
The only thing she could think of now
Is that it was all just out of pity
Too much pain for her to bear
Again her heart has shut
Because of the only man that seemed so nice
But then turned and stood her up...
Unsure[b/]
It’s bringing back the memories
Of what I’ve tried to hide
I know exactly what you’re going through
I know it all on the inside
You’re mother doesn’t like this much
But you don’t really care
But you’re not the one with it all at stake
And this is quite a dare
Now I know how he must have felt
Just yesterday it seems
I was fifteen and he was eighteen
Yes, he was the man of my dreams
But he broke my heart and I’ll never forget
The pain I held inside
And this is bringing back memories
That in my soul I’ve tried to hide
Now I think he wasn’t so dumb
He was only trying to be cautious
Thinking of how I have to agree
Is starting to make me nauseous
I wanted so much to hate what he did
To hate him for all the pain
But now I know that if you want to be safe
You’ve got to learn to refrain
I love you but I don’t know if it’s right
And we can say at least we tried
But this is bringing back memories
That for so long I’ve tried to hide…
The one I love...
I love you more
Than I did before
Because back then
My heart was poor
And I thought we
Had nothing to go for
But now my heart
Has shown to me
All the things
I couldn't see
And now I wish
That this could be
Please dear God
Give back to me
The one true soul
With which you blessed me
I loved him then
But I couldn't see
And now I wish
My one true love
Could be the one
That I dream of
The one I want
The one I love
And now I wish
For one last kiss...
Jesse
I don't understand this feeling
You make me feel so shy
I don't understand this smile
It's never been so wide
Your voice, your eyes, your everything
Makes me giggle, laugh, and smile
Too bad I'll only see you
For only just a little while
I don't understand
why my heart leaps
These type of things
Never come cheap
So I'll go on
Not say a word
I'll just keep smiling
No matter how absurd...
Untitled
What's been up
I've been gone so long
When I started this out
I was going strong
But after two weeks
You start to slow down
And now I've stopped
I've fallen to the ground
The first week was fine
It made me be glad
It showed me what I was
And everything I had
The second week was horrible
It tore my soul to shreds
Now here I sit again
The dark side being fed
Like I said
When I started out
I was going strong
But now I pout
And say so long
You don't know what it's about...
(Sorry this is so crappy...)
They ask you why...
Burned at the stake
Rotting with fear
Hung with a rope
They soon will be here
Firing squad
With guns set to go
Lethal injection
What a way to go
Gas chambers
And electric chairs
Torture by the mile
Pulling every hair
You like to watch
When people die
But cower when
They ask you why...
This Shall Be My Last...
I've said good bye before
So this is not my first
Probably not my last
I myself have lost my thirst
No one has emotions
In the world this appears to be
No one gives a crap for you
And they certainly don't like me
I somehow assume I won't be missed
By the lack of frowning faces
But I don't really don't care anymore
I've certainly been to better places
So good bye all my dear friends
Those who did stay true
I'm leaving again for good this time
And there's nothing that you can do...
Raining on Tuesday... (I've admired from afar...)
The pain and disgust
You've shown to me
After so many years
Became my fantasy
I held on to you
When you pushed me away
But finally I left
Raining on Tuesday
I watched you go
I watched you live
And in the end
You had nothing to give
You begged for more
And it felt bizarre
For so many years
I've admired from afar...
No one in the world...
Do you think I could share a little
Of what's inside of me with you?
Let you know what's right and wrong
And everything that's true...
I know no body likes me here
No one in the world
But all they know is the outer core
Not the litte girl
I want to open up to someone
To let them know I'm real
But years of torment left me broken
And now I cannot feel
Let me know if you have the time
To hear a little girl cry
If you don't, it's really ok
I won't wonder why...
I guess I'm just stuck...!
Alone again...
On one dumb topic...
An area full of kids...
I can't stand any of them...
Can anyone see me...?
In the crowd...
By myself...
I stand...
How can blinded people see...
Do they even try to see...?
Is there any point to...
There was never a point...
No try or play again button...
No backspace, delete, or rewind...
I guess I'm just stuck...!
I'm So Pathetic...
I'm so pathetic!
Why am I so pathetic?
Is there even a point
for me to stay alive?
If there is, someone
really should show me
Because I can't see it
Maybe I've finally lost it
I've lost my mind
My soul
My heart
and my ability to write
anything that makes sense
I'm so pathetic
But my shiny little friend
has started to help
As the blood drips on the floor
It looks so bright on the pink tile
I'm dying
And still
I'm so pathetic...
Know me now or know me not...
Sitting, thinking
Burning inside
No longer knowing
You cannot hide
If this can't help
Nothing will
And now the blood
Begins to spill
Blood from years
Of torment and greed
Blood and tears
That no one will need
Know me now
Or know me not
Just once more
Here's your shot
They say...
They say to be your own person
But never do they mean it
Once I really tried to be
Man you should have seen it
They say to be independant
But to be Christian is to depend
Depend on God to give you strength
And all the grace that He can send
They say to be a good girl
But their definition is wrong
They say. to be your own person
You have to stand alone and strong
What they say doesn't matter
What they say is always wrong
For God expects us to give our all
To Him cause He is strong
So don't do what the others say
For they know not what they speak
For God will guide you through and through
And give you what you seek
There's Nothing Left to Say
I've stopped wearing your jersey now
Now I only sleep with it
I've stopped memorizing your every word
Now I'm simply lost without it
You've walked out of my stupid dreams
And now out of my grasp
I reach for you, but you pay no mind
And I refuse to ask
I feel like I am such a fool
To have left myself go so far
I've gotten to know you more by this
But now I don't know who you are
So tell me when it's ok to feel
So I can take away the numb
Tell me when I can stop giving away
And finally take some
Cause this pain I'm hiding in my soul
Is killing me everyday
I'm holding back so not to hurt her
There's nothing left to say…
And your mercy saves my life...
I’m not sure what this feeling was
But it’s confused me beyond belief
I can’t stop thinking about everything
My mind has no relief
I wish I could go back in time
Turn back into myself
I’m afraid of who I am becoming
I know that I need help
Dear God I beg You help me here
Give me peace of mind
Because now I’m realizing for myself
That to You I’m becoming blind
I’m sorry for the things I always seem to do wrong
And I’m sorry I’ve become so stupidly numb to You
But when I threw myself upon Your alter
Sobbing, crying, screaming in my head to You
I knew that You still lived in my heart
And I’m learning to let the world go
They’re not what I need now, I only need You
They’re not what I know I want, I’m only wanting You
Dear Lord I beg You help me through
I really can’t do this alone
Teach me to let my everything go
And fall into Your unknown
I love, I want, I need, and I hear
I care, I see, I taste, and I feel
I’m learning, I’m searching, I’m finding
What’s You, what’s real
I praise You Lord for
My life, my love, myself
I praise You for your loving grace
And your mercy saves my life
Forever am I in debt to You
For Your Son, and Your tremendous love
And now I only pray that someday I
Can thank You up above…
Then look around to find...
Confusion and pain stir in the mind
As you hold back the tears and try not to cry
It’s hard to be familiar with things you don’t know
People you don’t see, and places you won’t go
No one takes the time to listen to the truth
No one really cares for what’s me, and who’s you
Does anyone know the true meaning of being?
It’s so hard to comprehend, this world that we’re seeing
In life there is love, and in love there is joy
But it seems as if love, to me, is to annoy
What you call truth is someone else’s lie
And there’s nobody willing to answer the ‘why?’
So sit back and relax, don’t think until it’s done
Then look around to find, you were always the only one
I need your help inside myself...
I’ve fallen from Your grace again
Feel too ashamed to bear Your love
I feel You have no use for me
In all Your purity up above
The plank stuck in my eye
Only magnifies the speck in theirs
But I don’t know how to remove my own
Because I’ve feared nobody cares
I know You say You love me
But can’t understand why You would
I know You wouldn’t lie to me
But I’m really struggling to stay good
Please help me remove the plank
That continues to blind my sight
Please show me what I’m doing wrong
And teach me to do right
I need your help
Inside myself…
It's all just one big play...
A first time performance
For a very gifted cast
A very small group of six
That's set tonight to go last
Plays of insanity
Depression, and violence
It's planned to go on
But after the defiance
Neurotic performers
Of an age old art
But the monkeys on our back
Still insist to fart
Two more hours
Minutes left? Fifteen
We go on with the show
And hope for nothing obscene
She thinks it's convenience...
I hear him laugh and it ticks me off
He likes her, I like him, and she thinks it's convenience...
Why does love start out soft, and end up a razor in your hand while you bleed?
A story not yet told...
A story not yet told
A movie not yet seen
A song that's yet to be played
But tell me what does it mean?
You have no idea
You've never known at all
Because if you really did
It would've left you to take the fall
Understand my words so clear
And lead me back to you
I never was too good at saying
It's over and I'm through...
And with that you know I'm right...
Things that seem so strange
Can't stay the same forever
Things that seem to change
Are there for you whenever
Things that seem so wild
Can't change too awful quick
Things that seem to be mild
May often make you sick
Things that seem so dumb
Can't help you to go on
Things that seem to make you numb
May soon help you be gone
I pass my every stomping ground
And the places I used to fight
Things survive, not meant to be found
And with that you know I'm right...
Ideas ran dry...
No matter how hard I try
I could never satisfy you could I?
You always enjoyed my pain
And loved it when I had a fresh cut
You'd laugh and snear
And say how stupid I was... and I kept coming back...
The music played on
The ideas ran dry
The sun died away
The moon cried
And you left...
I don't need you anymore...
The cuts may still happen, but you don't laugh anymore...
By the way... Sorry about the arsenic in the coffee...
Your eyes...
I avoided your eyes...
I couldn't handle the look on your face...
It hurt too bad to pay attention because...
We both hurt each other, and I couldn't take it...
The dog lay sleeping on the floor...
And I sat crying on the bed while you stood at the window...
Staring at the dirty street that no one walked on anymore...
I don't see why you bothered to come...
The floor creaked as you went for the door...
I cried more as you spoke...
"I don't need you anymore...
If you can't handle this, I don't care anymore..."
I'm sorry...
I never meant to hurt you T.G...
I avoided your eyes...
I couldn't handle the look on your face...
Just a stupid rant...
If that's how it works
Then why do we have rules?
It's not like they're equally enforced...
Elementary, Junior High, High school...
They're all the same.
Sure when we're kids we seem to get along
But when we hit fifth grade
Man we all split like the Red Sea
Why does it work like that?
Why is it that no matter how alike two people can be
We're all still so different we can't get along anymore
It's crap! That's all it is!
I'll be glad when May comes around again
Graduation!
Out of the hell hole that they try to make sound good
"Oh wow! We're in high school now!"
Who cares? I've been there for three years and all I have to show is:
Self inflicted scars
A psychotic reputation
Barely passing grades
And only three real friends who don't even go to school with me...
You don't mature
You don't get cooler
You don't get more friends
You don't get a boyfriend/girlfriend
You have to be cool to begin with to get all that...
What you actually get is a bunch of bullcrap lines about how the faculty really does care, then they turn around and express how stupid, lazy, and pathetic you are!
I go to a school where more than half of all the male teachers are known as "Coach" and majority of the female teachers are on permanent PMS!!!
So tell me why high school should be the highlight of your teenage years... I'm DYING to know...
277 (Another rant type deal)
should be happy…
So why do I feel like I do?
I don’t even know why I feel this way…
I don’t even know what this feeling is…
It’s like a big mess of confusion, depression, anger, hurt, humor, and crap… all in one…
And I have absolutely no idea why… or what exactly…
Maybe it’s that I’m going to miss the Goo Goo Dolls this month… *But I didn’t get this depressed in February when I missed their concert…
Maybe it’s that I’m starting to believe that I’ll never meet John Rzeznik (my obsession) face to face…
Maybe it’s that I’m going to be alone at camp…
Maybe it’s that I don’t believe that I’m going to be famous anymore…
Maybe it’s all TJ’s fault…
Maybe it’s because I’m finding more and more problems that are hard to fix in my story… and my life…
Maybe it’s that I haven’t written a good song since ‘Chasteen’s Song (Forget-me-not)’…
Maybe it’s that I’m doing all kinds of planning and I’m probably never going to be able to do any of it…
Maybe it’s that I want to give my friends everything they need and don’t care about saving for me… whether they know or not…
Maybe it’s because I believe that there are times that my sister really does hate me and wish I hadn’t been born…
Maybe it’s that I’m too nice, too mean, too annoying, too pushy, too infantile, and too immature…
Maybe it’s because I talk more than I think just so that I don’t have to… but when there’s no one to talk to and a lot of time to think it hurts worse than never shutting up…
Maybe I’m just relapsing…………
Sir...
Yes sir, I was dark and demented once
No sir, I don't know why
But sir, if you'd just listen to me
I think I could give it a try
Yes sir, I have been a little down
No sir, no suicidal tendencies yet
But sir, shouldn't this be normal?
I mean, look, I lost the bet
Yes sir, I know that I shouldn't do that
No sir, I didn't mean anything of the sort
But sir, I'm really serious
I think I've built myself a fort
Yes sir, I did say it by accident
No sir, I didn't know what it would do
But sir, if you would pay attention
You'd have done the same if it were you
Yes sir, I understand the things you say
No sir, I do not wish to hear
But sir, just let me explain again
Why I have this fear
Yes sir, I have been hurt several times
No sir, not by just one
But sir, it was all my fault you see
For everything they've done
Yes sir, I know it may be over
No sir, I can't let it go
But sir, if I'm still dark inside
I've got nothing to show
Yes sir, I did check myself in
No sir, I didn't want to stay
Yes sir, I know it's an institution
But no sir, don't make me stay...
What's the point...
What's the point in being popular
If, with the crowd, you do not mix
What's the point in making up together
If the problem you can't fix
What's the point in having a lot of friends
If not one of them are true
What's the point in giving in to love
If he does not love you
What's the point in being dramatic
If they all just stop and stare
What's the point in looking up to them
If they don't really care
What's the point in being popular
If that's the thing that makes you hollow
What's the point in being on the top
If there's no one left to follow...?
The Gremlin
Evil in her childish laugh
Innocence on her face
Only twelve, but evil she is
She seems so out of place
Tricks and trouble
Are what makes her go
You could make her mad
But it wouldn't show
So go again, and look around
Before she catches up to you
Don't let her find you by yourself
There's no telling what she'd do
(This poem is about a little girl that went camping with my family this past week, and I swear to god she's evil... So I nick named her Gremlin)
Madness...
Why can't I scream
And say what I want to say?
Why can't I move on
And go one past that day?
Why can't I kill him
For everything he's done?
Why can't I let go
Because nobody has won?
What am I going to do
That day he does it again?
My sister, his sister
Where did it begin?
Fourteen, ten
Does age even seem to matter?
Why can't I have
His worthless dick on a silver platter?
One day you will die
And you don't even know how
But one thing I will share
The planning will start now...
When what's said is true...
I talk too much
I annoy a lot
I've lost my touch
I stirred the pot
I'm sorry I'm a burden
No favors shall I ask
I'll just keep herding
And finishing my task
I'm sorry for the uproar
I didn't mean to bitch
I really don't know what for
I just seemed to have an itch
So please forgive me
I never meant to
I guess I can't see
When what's said is true...
I swear you can't see...
You broke my heart
And shattered it
In pieces on the floor
Torn apart
To the last little bit
And slammed it in the door
You never gave me
An I'm sorry, didn't mean to
To stop the tears flowing
I swear you can't see
This I know is true
You don't know where you're going
Leave me alone
Stop with the e-mails
I'm tired of being in pain
Things unknown
With hidden cries and wails
And YOU are the one to blame
The lost one...
Can anyone understand
When no one will ever listen
It's like maggots in a trash can
No body cares...
A poem, a rhyme, a song, a time...
Does any body ever think twice
Before they go about hurting someone
Before they make someone want to die
Make someone want to do the things I've done to myself...
A life, a death, a birth, a breath...
Does any one think of life
Of death
Of having a REAL family?
A normal life?
Instead they're only the lost one...
If I told your secret...
If I told your secret
What else would you do to me?
Would you do it again
Or hurt me worse, just to make me see?
Would they look at me wrong
And think the fault is on me?
If I told your secret
What would it do to you?
Make you go away?
Or make you think of what to do?
Would it tear you down
Like I want it to?
If I told your secret
What would it do to them?
Would they believe me?
What would happen then?
Would they think "What a bad boy"
"Keep her away from him"?
They would look at me weird
And look at you as well
We'd be banished
And I promised I'd never tell
But guess what...
We're going to hell...
I almost told your secret...
What You Call Perfection...
You say I look so pretty
Then you say that I am not
Angry words I can't digest
"You don't know how much you've got"
What you call perfection
Is something you can't get
No matter how you walk
No matter how you sit
Please just stop complaining
I just want some time for me
I didn't mean to make a mess
Is there anyway to make you see?
I can't hold down
What you force feed
Leave me alone
That's not what I need
What if it were you
Sitting in my place
Scars on legs and arms
Bruises on your face
Don't tell me that it's easy
Don't tell me that you feel bad
I'm not listening to anything
You've lost whatever you had
If Dreams Came True...
If dreams came true...
Do you know how many people would be dead?
In pain?
Dying slowly, and painfully from disease?
If dreams came true...
Do you know how many men would not have a penis?
Would walk funny from being kicked in the balls too much?
If dreams came true...
Do you know how many bad presidents, or man-stealing women would be gone?
If dreams came true...
Half the human population would be dead, or enslaved....
Things just don't seem right...
Things just don't seem right
In a world I can't describe
It use to be so peaceful
But now I need a place to hide
Dear God don't let me die here
That's the last thing that I need
The monster's on it's way
It's time for him to feed
Dear God don't let him get me
Please no, not again
An explanation is hard to give
I don't know where to begin
No one understands yet
Why my soul is broken
I don't know what to say
For years I have not spoken
Things just don't seem right
In a world I can't describe
It use to be so peaceful
But now I need a place to die
A person I am not...
Pretty as a picture
But I couldn't really care
Nothing worse in life
Than wasting what you spare
No one understands me
Or why I cut my skin
No one understands
How my patience wears so thin
Come a little closer
Take a closer look
Answer a few questions
You possibly mistook
Everybody thinks
I'm normal without a flaw
A person I am not
A person about to fall
To Your greatness I will succumb...
Lord, give me strength to live today
I need You by my side
To match my footprints with your own
To take it all in stride
I've lost my temper too many times
And my tongue is rather sharp
I need You here to guide me Lord
This path is way too dark
Obstacles seem to block my path
And satan is squatting near
Waiting to catch my every weakness
And take over my every fear
But You are the lamp unto my feet
The light unto my path
Satan can never touch me now
So I no longer fear his wrath
You saved me Lord, right from myself
Today, and in days to come
I love You Lord for now and always
To Your greatness I will succumb
}|#*~*|Prose and Stories|*~*#|{
Case #: 32
~The Beginning~
“You need help Alvina,” Frederica said as she took a razor away from her friend.
“Freddi I’m fine,” Alvina said.
“No, you’re bleeding,” Freddi replied giving her a towel, “You’re lucky I got here early, Ali.”
“I am?” she asked, “How so? So you could yell at me?”
“No, if you would’ve cut any deeper you would’ve been seriously hurt,”
Freddi said as she walked from Ali’s room to the bathroom across the hall to get alcohol and cotton balls.
“Ok nurse,” Ali said sarcastically.
“Ali I’m not playing. You need to stop this! You’re gonna seriously hurt yourself one day,” Freddi said in a concerned tone.
“I will not!” Ali said, wincing as Freddi put the alcohol soaked cotton ball on the severe cut Ali had inflicted on her own leg.
“Then why do you do it?” Freddi asked.
“It’s fun,” Ali said with a laugh.
“Fun?” Freddi said in a disgusted tone, “How is self mutilation fun?”
“It’s not fun, per say. It’s just a way I let go of things. Would you rather I do drugs?” Ali asked.
“No! I’d rather you write, talk, punch walls, or do something. Just nothing this dangerous,” Freddi said wiping the alcohol off Ali’s leg, then bandaging it, “Where’s your mom?”
“Where do you think?” Ali asked in a sarcastic tone, “Work.”
“Dad?”
“Out of town.”
“Where this time?” Freddi asked as she picked up the mess and went back to the bathroom.
“Somewhere in Minnesota,” Ali replied playing with the bandage Freddi had just put on her leg.
“So your parents don’t know about you doing this?” Freddi asked as she came back into the room and smacked Ali’s hand, “Stop it.”
“No they don’t know,” Ali answered, “They’d have me locked up. Why do you think it took me so long to tell you about it?”
“Maybe that’s what you need, is to be locked up,” Freddi said sitting down on Ali’s bed.
“Man, I thought you were my friend,” Ali said shooting a death look at Freddi.
“I am! That’s why I say you need to get some help!” Freddi said in her own defense, “You know that psychiatrist my mom sent me to when her and dad divorced?”
“Yeah,” Ali said suspiciously.
“Well, she was a great doctor. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt if you started seeing her,” Freddi said.
“A shrink?” Ali said in an offended tone.
“She was a cool person, and she doesn’t have to tell your parents,” Freddi insisted.
“I thought we were going to the movies,” Ali said changing the subject as she stood up, pulled on a pair of jeans then laced up her boots.
“Don’t change the subject like that Ali,” Freddi said, knowing what Ali was doing.
“Well! I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I’m not going to go to some shrink who thinks she knows me when she doesn’t know anything about me,” Ali almost yelled.
“Why won’t you just try it. For me,” Freddi said.
“Fine! If it’ll shut you up I’ll go!” Ali said finally, “Now, can we go to the movies? Please?”
“Yep, let’s go,” Freddi said as she got up, grabbed her bag and they left.
When they got to the movies the place was packed.
They bought their tickets and went to the theater it was in. The only seats left were two in the very back next to the wall.
They got their seats and waited for the movie to come on.
About an hour into the movie Ali excused herself to the bathroom.
“Hurry up, it’s getting to the good parts,” Freddi whispered.
“Ok,” Ali replied as she left the theater.
When she got to the bathroom she waited till the lady in the second stall was out and locked the door. She pulled up the sleeve of her black shirt and got her extra razor, which Freddi didn’t know about, and slit her arm three times. After about five minutes she cleaned her arm up, wrapped a paper towel around it, pulled her sleeve down and went back to the movie.
“What took so long?” Freddi asked as Ali got back to her seat.
“Line,” Ali answered as she continued watching the movie.
“Oh, ok,” Freddi replied.
When it was over Ali and Freddi hurried to leave so not to get held up in the crowd.
“Wasn’t that an awesome movie?” Freddi asked when they got outside.
“Yeah, that one part where he was in the apartment was hilarious,” Ali laughed.
“Let’s go get something to eat,” Freddi said unlocking the car doors.
“Sounds good to me, I’m starving,” Ali replied.
When they got to Taco Bell they decided to eat inside.
“Hey, what do you want?” Freddi asked as she lightly hit Ali’s arm. Ali winced, and her wound had bled through the paper towel and shirt. Freddi looked down at her own hand which now had blood on it, and said, “Ali, come with me.”
Freddi grabbed Ali’s other arm and pulled her towards the bathroom.
“Roll up your sleeve,” Freddi demanded.
“Why?” Ali said, avoiding eye contact.
“You know why!” Freddi said in an angry tone.
“Fine!” Ali said as she pulled up her sleeve to reveal a blood soaked paper towel.
“Let me see the cuts,” Freddi said.
“Freddi, will you stop!”
“No! Show me!”
Ali unwrapped the paper towel to reveal the three large cuts on her right arm.
“Ali, why?” Freddi asked.
“I don’t know! It’s like an addiction!” Ali replied, “You wouldn’t understand!”
“Then help me understand,” Freddi demanded, “Help me understand why you like to hurt yourself.”
“You used to smoke right?” Ali asked.
“Yeah,” Freddi replied, looking for her point.
“You remember the cravings you got for the nicotine?”
“Yeah, your point?”
“That’s what it feels like for me. Except I’m not craving nicotine. I’m craving pain,” Ali explained.
“That’s insane!” Freddi blurted.
“I know!” Ali exclaimed, “I know it is.”
“Whatever!” Freddi said as she got a paper towel from the dispenser on the wall.
She once again took care of Ali’s wound and then they went to get their food. They changed their mind about eating inside and got their food to go.
~School Problems~
“Ms. Lewis, you’re late, again!” Mrs. Prosten said as Ali tried to sneak into class without being noticed.
“I’m sorry Mrs. Prosten. My alarm clock quit on me and I woke up late, then missed the bus,” Ali said, hoping her ‘helpless’ look would loosen Mrs. Prosten up.
“That’s the fourth time now,” Mrs. Prosten spat.
“I know, and I’m sorry,” Ali said.
“I’m afraid I have to give you a detention,” Mrs. Prosten said getting out a slip and her pen.
“Wait! Mrs. Prosten,” Freddi said putting her hand up, “It was also my fault she was late. I didn’t show up to pick her up this morning.”
“That’s too bad Ms. Johnson,” Mrs. Prosten said, “I’m afraid if Ms. Lewis can’t get herself to school on time, it’s no fault to anyone but herself.”
“But…” Freddi began.
“No but’s, unless you want a detention too,” Mrs. Prosten snapped.
Freddi gave a look of defeat then mouthed, “I’m sorry. You know I have practice,” to Ali.
“It’s ok,” Ali mouthed back as she took her seat.
Mrs. Prosten continued on with class.
Ali sat with her hands under her desk. When Freddi looked over at her she was picking at the cuts on her arm. Freddi reached over and hit her arm.
Ali shot her a look of daggers and pulled her sleeve down.
After class Ali headed for the bathroom. But she wasn’t quick enough.
Freddi saw where she was headed and followed her.
Ali was the only one in the bathroom. Freddi walked over and kicked open Ali’s stall.
There she sat, razor in hand, and blood on her arm.
“Alvina!” Freddi said taking the razor away from her, throwing it in the trash.
“Freddi, stop,” Ali cried.
“NO!” Freddi replied as she left the stall to get paper towels, “I’m so sick of cleaning up your blood. You’re gonna get caught, and they’re gonna lock you up in some institution somewhere! You can’t keep doing this!”
“I wanna go home,” Ali said.
“Fine, I’ll take you home. Where’s your notebook?” Freddi said wrapping
Ali’s arm tightly.
“Why?” Ali asked.
“To forge notes for us to leave,” Freddi said as if Ali were stupid.
“It’s in my bag,” Ali said pulling her sleeve down.
“Ok, I’ll write that we have some kind of event thing to go to,” Freddi
said as she got a pen out of the front pouch of Ali’s book bag.
Freddi wrote fast and signed her mother’s name. Then wrote Ali’s note.
“Here, sign your mom’s name,” Freddi said handing Ali the notebook and pen.
Ali did as she was told and then ripped the sheet out. She put the notebook and pen back in her bag and they left the restroom.
“Hi Mrs. Anderson,” Freddi smiled politely, “Is Mrs. Bradkins in her office? We forgot to get our white slips this morning to leave early.”
“Yes she is Frederica,” Mrs. Anderson smiled.
“Thanks a lot,” Freddi said leading Ali into Mrs. Bradkins office, “Hello Mrs. Bradkins.”
“Hey girls, how are you today?” Mrs. Bradkins asked with her usual smile.
“Oh we’re fine. But we forgot to get our white slips to leave this morning,” Freddi said handing Mrs. Bradkins her and Ali’s notes.
“Oh! Ok,” Mrs. Bradkins said taking the notes.
She read over them quickly then turned to her computer. After a few clicks and some typing she turned back around and said, “Here you go ladies. Drive carefully.”
“Always,” Freddi smiled, “Have a nice day.”
“You too,” Mrs. Bradkins said going back to the paper work she was doing before.
“I thought you had practice,” Ali said when they got to Freddi’s car.
“I do,” Freddi said, “But now that I’m leaving, I can’t go, can I?”
“I’m sorry Freddi,” Ali said shamefully.
“It’s ok, see if there’s anything good on the radio,” Freddi said as she put the car into gear and pulled out of the parking lot.
~The Scars~
When they got to Ali’s house they went up to her room.
“Let me see your scars,” Freddi ordered, “All of them.”
“Why?” Ali asked in a shameful tone.
“Just do it,” Freddi said.
“Fine,” Ali said as she took her shirt off.
Standing in her bra and jeans Ali shuddered. Not because she was cold, or at least not cold on the outside, but cold on the inside.
“My God Ali,” Freddi said in almost a whisper.
Ali had scars all over her arms, chest, and stomach.
Freddi sat down on Ali’s bed with a look of shock.
“How could someone do this to themselves?” Freddi asked, more to herself than Ali.
“I don’t even remember why I started now,” Ali said put her shirt back on and sat Indian style on the floor.
“A better question, when did you start?” Freddi asked.
“Junior High,” Ali replied staring blankly at the floor, “Before we met. It just became a habit. As if it were a defense or healing mechanism.”
“How could this be healing?” Freddi asked.
“It helps if I induce the pain on the outside myself rather than feeling the pain inside that others cause,” Ali explained.
“Well, I’m gonna call that psychiatrist to set up an appointment for you,”
Freddi said picking up Ali’s phone.
Ali didn’t say a word. Just sat there as Freddi made the call.
“Ok, thanks doc. Yeah, we’ll see ya next week,” Freddi said as she hung
up the phone.
“Next week huh?” Ali said when Freddi hung up.
“Yeah, Thursday,” Freddi answered.
“Ok,” Ali replied.
“Got anything good to eat in this house?” Freddi asked.
“Nope,” Ali replied, then looked up at Freddi, “Pizza?”
“Pizza,” Freddi agreed.
They went down stairs and Ali got a twenty out of her mom’s office.
They ordered the pizza, then sat in the living room and looked for a movie on TV while they waited.
Freddi left Ali’s house around four and headed home.
Around seven that night, Ali’s boyfriend, Brent called Ali.
“Hey babe,” Brent said when Ali picked up the phone.
“Hi,” Ali said happily, “What’s up?”
“Not much. Why’d you leave school early?” he asked.
“Reasons,” Ali replied quickly.
“Ok…” Brent said slowly.
It was silent for a moment or two before Ali said, “What’s wrong?”
“Huh? Oh, nothing. Why do you ask?” Brent said.
“Well, you’re not talking and when you do talk to sound distracted.
What’s going on?” Ali questioned.
“I think we should break up,” Brent answered bluntly.
“What?” Ali choked out, “Why?”
“I like someone else, I’m sorry Ali,” Brent said in a sympathetic tone.
“After two years, you like someone else? Who?” Ali demanded.
“Ali, I don’t want to hurt you,” Brent said.
“Too late for that. Tell me now! Who?” Ali said as tears streamed down
her face.
“It’s Freddi. I like Freddi. I’m sorry,” Brent replied, “I’m going to her
house tonight to ask her.”
“My best friend?” Ali yelled, “I can’t believe you! I HATE YOU!”
Ali slammed the phone down as she fell in a heap on the floor and sobbed.
After about twenty minutes, she had stopped crying. She sat in the middle of her bedroom floor rocking back and forth when a gleam of light caught her eye.
A razor.
~What Ended It All~
“What?” Freddi asked in shock, “No way! Ali’s my best friend, and I don’t even like you!”
“But…” Brent sputtered as he stood on the front porch of Freddi’s house.
“No! Now leave!” Freddi said as she shut the door.
She leaned against the door thinking of how big a moron Brent was when Ali crossed her mind.
“Oh God!” Freddi said as her heart dropped.
She ran to the phone and dialed Ali’s number. Busy.
“Oh dear God, no!” Freddi said as she grabbed her keys, “Mom, I’ll be
back! I’m going to Ali’s! Love ya.”
Freddi ran out the door, past Brent, who was sitting on her steps, and got in her car. She fumbled with the keys a moment, then found the right one, started the car and sped out.
She sped the whole way to Ali’s and almost got pulled over by a cop.
She squealed into Ali’s driveway and ran up on the porch.
She pounded on the door.
“Come on Ali, please,” Freddi said, tears in her eyes.
No one came to the door. But it was unlocked.
Freddi opened the door and flew up the steps.
“Ali!” she yelled.
Ali lay on the floor of her bedroom. The carpet was blood stained and a razor lay beside her.
Freddi dropped to her knees beside Ali and started sobbing.
“I told him no,” Freddi whispered through her tears, “I told him no Ali,
because you were my friend. My only friend.”
“I can’t believe you did this!” Freddi wailed, “We were supposed to
graduate together in two months and go to college!”
~What’s left~
The ambulance lights flashed as Freddi sat, dazed, on the couch. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying.
The paramedics came down the stairs with Ali, covered by a sheet, on a gurney. They loaded her into the ambulance and turned the lights and sirens off. No need in rushing, she was dead before they got there.
Brent stood outside in the middle of the crowd that had formed in the street.
Strangely enough Brent wasn’t seen again after that night.
The funeral was a blur really. It was gray, cold, and rainy. It was a
closed casket. Ali’s dad couldn’t bear to go to the funeral, and so he went on another business trip.
Ali’s mother had a nervous breakdown and checked into a mental hospital an hour away. Without her child, she felt she was nothing. Three months later her and Ali’s father divorced, and she never left the hospital.
Brent called Freddi a week after graduation. He left a message on her answering machine saying “I’m sorry about Ali. But you don’t have to worry anymore cause I’m never coming back. I got a job on a boat in Florida. I’m sorry Freddi.”
Freddi erased the message and never thought twice.
After the papers were done covering “The Teen Suicide” months later all
Ali became to the town was another case number.
Case #: 32
“To the town she may only have been a case number. But to me, she was the world!” – Frederica Johnson
The Strength of the Girl They Never Knew
Sylvia walked down the street to her high school, same as she had for the past four years.
Sylvia was a very thin, pale girl who stood about five foot four. She was as close to a hundred pounds as she’d ever be, and aside from her school books, her cross necklace, clothes she was wearing, and book bag were the only possessions she had.
She clutched her Calculus book to her thin, wheezing chest as she walked through the halls to get to class. Insults came from all directions as she bit her lip and continued to walk.
She didn’t smell or anything, but she wasn’t the cleanest person. Her hair was stringy, and her clothes were as clean as she could possibly get them. But she had been wearing them, for years.
Sylvia sat in the back of her Calculus class and day dreamed. She was smart beyond belief and already had all of her work done for the rest of the week. Her teacher Mr. Anders, knowing how smart Sylvia was, never bothered to say anything to her, or make her answer questions. He knew she never talked, and he knew there had to be a reason for the way she was.
A paper ball sailed through the air, hitting Sylvia in the side of the head making her jump, and jerking her out of her daydream.
The entire class burst into laughter as Sylvia’s eyes filled with tears.
“That is enough,” Mr. Anders said angrily as he hit his desk with a yard stick, the sound echoed through the room, “This is a class for seniors not first graders. If you persist in acting infantile I suggest you go speak to the principal!”
The laughter quickly stopped as they all turned and sank down in their seats.
“Am I understood?” Mr. Anders asked threateningly.
A few people nodded as other just looked away with a shameful face.
“Sylvia, are you ok, or would you like to be excused?” Mr. Anders asked politely.
Sylvia wiped her eyes, picked up her book and went to Mr. Anders’ desk. Mr. Anders wrote a pass to the office, and she left the room.
Once again clutching her Calculus book to her chest she walked down the hall, which was now empty and quiet. She went to her locker and put her Calculus book away, got her Advanced History book, closed her locker and headed for the office.
When she got in the office the secretary asked what she needed. Sylvia simply handed her the pass, turned, and sat down in one of the chairs along the wall.
The secretary read the pass, which said that Sylvia was excused from Mr. Anders’ class for the day.
After the secretary read the note, she looked at Sylvia and said, “Again?”
Sylvia nodded as the secretary rolled her eyes and threw the pass in the trash.
Nobody understood Sylvia, or why she never talked, why God would waste a perfectly good brain on someone so low, and they didn’t know why she was dirty. No body cared to understand any of that. The only one who seemed to genuinely care was Mr. Anders. Sylvia was going to miss him.
When the bell finally rang Sylvia left to go to her next class where people cared more about sleeping than terrorizing her.
When lunch came Sylvia sat in the back corner, as she had for four years. No tray of food in front of her, just a blank sheet of notebook paper Mr. Anders had given her.
A little over a week ago Sylvia's English teacher informed Sylvia’s class that for their nine week, end of the year grade they would have to present a speech. Most would be in front of the class, but some would be in front of the entire school at graduation.
The theme of the speech was “why you shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover”. It had to be done by the period after lunch that day.
Ten minutes before lunch was over Sylvia started writing, with a pencil Mr. Anders had given her, and by the time lunch was over her speech was done and ready to read.
Sylvia’s English teacher, Ms. Cranston, read Sylvia’s speech and had tears in her eyes when she finished.
“Sylvia, I know you don’t like to speak in front of people,” Ms. Cranston said as she wiped her eyes, “Or at all, but would you be willing to give your speech at graduation? I think everyone needs to know this.”
A small smile spread across Sylvia’s usually emotionless face as she nodded.
Graduation day finally arrived and Sylvia, for the first time in years, was happy. Not only would this take a load off of her weak chest, but it would let everyone know the way she was wasn’t her fault.
Sylvia listened to Tina Bowers’ speech, then Scott Loland, then Zach Zimmer’s speech before it was her turn.
“Sylvia, it’s time,” Ms. Cranston said politely, “Are you ready?”
Sylvia took a deep breath, nodded her head, and slowly walked to the podium in the middle of the stage.
Sylvia looked over her speech, said a small prayer, and began her speech.
“You all know that I am Sylvia Peterson. You know that I am poor. You know that I’m not such a clean person. But what you do not know is why.
I was raised in church until the age of five when my mother died of breast cancer. After my mother died, my father pulled us out of church; he never liked it much anyway. He began to drink all the time. He would drink from the time he got home from work, until he would pass out. But between the time he started, and the time he passed out he would abuse me, physically, mentally, and sexually. Once he beat me so bad that I was hospitalized. When he found out he was going to be arrested, he put a pistol in his mouth. And I had become an orphan.
By the time I was cleared to leave the hospital they had me a foster home here in Pilot. At this time I was eleven years old.
For the next three years I was shuffled from home to home when I ended up in a home where I basically became Cinderella, without the Prince part.
When I was just about to turn seventeen I was diagnosed with cancer and given about eighteen months to live. The family I was with at the time had adopted me six months prior to my diagnosis and now being completely financially responsible for me decided they couldn’t afford me any longer and so they kicked me out. And my disease has gone untreated.
I now live in the alley behind my old house. For the past year I have been slowly starving to death, living on the scraps I find in the trash cans, while the cancer has been eating me from the inside out.
All the dreams and plans our teachers encourage us to have will never apply to me. I’ll never make it to college. I’ll never have a family. And after this year, you will all probably never see me again. But I know that when I die God will take me in his arms and I’ll see my mother once again.
No matter what life has given me, I’ve never given up on life, or on God, and I know God will lead me home.
And that’s why you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.”
With the last word, Sylvia picked up her speech, turned, and walked off stage.
Everyone sat in shock and tears, students, parents, and teachers alike, as they applauded the strength of the girl they never knew.
People Sylvia didn’t know, and a lot of people Sylvia had gone to school with for years came up to her after the ceremony and apologized to her for how mean they had always been to her. Some people were still crying from the heart wrenching, true speech she had given.
The week after graduation Sylvia died of a cold. She was found curled up beside a trashcan in the alley she had lived in for a year. And as sad as it seems, to her it wasn’t. Because her obituary said she was smiling.
}|#*~*|Role Play|*~*#|{
<a name="#fifteen"> Choice to Make It Out </a>
Choice to Make It Out Started by me.
<a href="#top">Back to Index </a>
_____________________
<a name="#sixteen"> La Nuit Noire </a>
La Nuit Noire Started by the quiet poet
<a href="#top">Back to Index </a>
_____________________
<a name="#seventeen"> Mystery of the Darkness </a>
Mystery of the Darkness Started by *daughter of the moon*
<a href="#top">Back to Index </a>
_____________________
His Barbie Doll
My name is a name
My first name is a name
That is rare and very unique
It makes me feel special
In times that seem so bleak
My middle name is a name
It holds beauty and is sweet
After my mother, and my grandmother
The sound is really quite neat
My last name is a name
That I hold great pride within
From my father’s father to my father
I’m not sure where it did begin
My name is a name
That only I can hold
Great pride and great beauty
A name as good as gold
A name can hold so many
Different meanings and emotions
To hold pride within one special name
Is nothing short of devotion
Sacrificing My Own Heart
I guess I have to let you go now
I know she doesn't like it
All the things I've done
No matter what she say
No matter what she does
She is my kindred, my life, my soul
I've given her what meant the most
What a cost it was to me
Sacrificing my own heart
To make sure you two were happy
Now the path is not so clear
So many obstacles, with no light
Kurt said, with the lights out
It's less dangerous
Kurt was on drugs, what was he talking about?
I hope you know I love you both
I wouldn't screw this up for the world
I never want to hurt my friends
So I'll let go and say good-bye
Hoping... Wishing, this were the end...
*Note: To those of you who noticed that in the third stanza I was speaking of Kurt Cobain, and are fans of him, don't get mad at me or take offense to me saying he didn't know what he was talking about and all that... I wasn't happy when I wrote this... I think Kurt's great! lol *
to take away
I am dying here, weeping in the night:
tearing through this hurtful loss,
heart so torn and gaunt.
this dread so severed,
a deathly void,
given away;
yet I wish for
your lips so warm.
Untitled
I have no life
And this is true
All I wanted
Was love from you
But now I see
I have no chance
But still I'm here
Strong in stance
Hoping one day
It will pull through
And maybe someday
I might have you
But till that day
I'll let it go
Maybe one day
It will finally show
Floodgates
I like you, but I’m not allowed
I don’t want hurt again
But your smile makes me happy now
I’m growing warm within
It drives me nuts,
I can’t sit still
I want to be around you
These things I want to feel
I knew if I admitted this
The floodgates would burst open
My heart would ride out, on a wave
No clue where it’s going
I tried to keep it locked inside
But this is getting way too strong
And I’m sorry it I’m not right by this
But this feeling does not seem wrong
So I’ll just ride the wave to sea
And see where I wash up on shore
Maybe I’ll get lucky enough
To end up at your door…
For My Jen...
I'm starting to remember
The feelings I once held
How I had loved you so my dear
And how painfully I had fell
I can't help but think
I'm an imbecile
To not hate her so
Even still
But I guess a guy
Can't tear apart
The one true thing
That holds a heart
You are my friend
And always shall be
How could I have been so dumb
To not be able to see
I'll never have a happy ending...
I'll never have a happy ending
Never find my prince
I was made to stay alone
Of this I am convinced
I thought you were my everything
The one I could really trust
But I guess it was too much for you
And staying friends became a must
I thought that we could share our souls
Become the cutest pair
How foolish of me to think myself lucky
Just knowing that life's not fair
I want so dearly to hate you so
But deep down I know I won't
No matter what you'll ever think
Deep down I know I don't
So I'll go on, alone but true
Always knowing, I'll always love you...
No body else...
My mind is racing
I can't stand still
Can't stop pacing
Waiting until
I can hear your voice
Say 'I love you' again
I can't contain
My love within
As corny as I sound
When I do finally fall
It doesn't change the fact
That you've become my all
I can't believe that you are mine
And no longer are we alone
I've loved you forever
I guess a matchmaker can have her own
So please don't leave me
To fend for myself
Because the way it looks from here
My future has no body else...
Stood Up...
The cold bit at her finger tips
As she waited in the lot
Now becoming worrisome
Not knowing if he'd show or not
He was supposed to pick her up
Outside the church at eight o'clock
She waited till eight-forty
She guessed it really was no shock
For she had known inside her mind
She had figured it days in advance
He probably wasn't going to show
After all, he was a man
Angered beyond belief
But she was hurting so much more
She hated to go back to her friends
Because she knew they'd ask what for
Stood up by the only guy
That in eighteen years had agreed to go
On a date with her at eight o'clock
To see the nine o'clock show
Stood up by the only guy
To ever think her pretty
The only thing she could think of now
Is that it was all just out of pity
Too much pain for her to bear
Again her heart has shut
Because of the only man that seemed so nice
But then turned and stood her up...
Unsure[b/]
It’s bringing back the memories
Of what I’ve tried to hide
I know exactly what you’re going through
I know it all on the inside
You’re mother doesn’t like this much
But you don’t really care
But you’re not the one with it all at stake
And this is quite a dare
Now I know how he must have felt
Just yesterday it seems
I was fifteen and he was eighteen
Yes, he was the man of my dreams
But he broke my heart and I’ll never forget
The pain I held inside
And this is bringing back memories
That in my soul I’ve tried to hide
Now I think he wasn’t so dumb
He was only trying to be cautious
Thinking of how I have to agree
Is starting to make me nauseous
I wanted so much to hate what he did
To hate him for all the pain
But now I know that if you want to be safe
You’ve got to learn to refrain
I love you but I don’t know if it’s right
And we can say at least we tried
But this is bringing back memories
That for so long I’ve tried to hide…
The one I love...
I love you more
Than I did before
Because back then
My heart was poor
And I thought we
Had nothing to go for
But now my heart
Has shown to me
All the things
I couldn't see
And now I wish
That this could be
Please dear God
Give back to me
The one true soul
With which you blessed me
I loved him then
But I couldn't see
And now I wish
My one true love
Could be the one
That I dream of
The one I want
The one I love
And now I wish
For one last kiss...
Jesse
I don't understand this feeling
You make me feel so shy
I don't understand this smile
It's never been so wide
Your voice, your eyes, your everything
Makes me giggle, laugh, and smile
Too bad I'll only see you
For only just a little while
I don't understand
why my heart leaps
These type of things
Never come cheap
So I'll go on
Not say a word
I'll just keep smiling
No matter how absurd...
Untitled
What's been up
I've been gone so long
When I started this out
I was going strong
But after two weeks
You start to slow down
And now I've stopped
I've fallen to the ground
The first week was fine
It made me be glad
It showed me what I was
And everything I had
The second week was horrible
It tore my soul to shreds
Now here I sit again
The dark side being fed
Like I said
When I started out
I was going strong
But now I pout
And say so long
You don't know what it's about...
(Sorry this is so crappy...)
They ask you why...
Burned at the stake
Rotting with fear
Hung with a rope
They soon will be here
Firing squad
With guns set to go
Lethal injection
What a way to go
Gas chambers
And electric chairs
Torture by the mile
Pulling every hair
You like to watch
When people die
But cower when
They ask you why...
This Shall Be My Last...
I've said good bye before
So this is not my first
Probably not my last
I myself have lost my thirst
No one has emotions
In the world this appears to be
No one gives a crap for you
And they certainly don't like me
I somehow assume I won't be missed
By the lack of frowning faces
But I don't really don't care anymore
I've certainly been to better places
So good bye all my dear friends
Those who did stay true
I'm leaving again for good this time
And there's nothing that you can do...
Raining on Tuesday... (I've admired from afar...)
The pain and disgust
You've shown to me
After so many years
Became my fantasy
I held on to you
When you pushed me away
But finally I left
Raining on Tuesday
I watched you go
I watched you live
And in the end
You had nothing to give
You begged for more
And it felt bizarre
For so many years
I've admired from afar...
No one in the world...
Do you think I could share a little
Of what's inside of me with you?
Let you know what's right and wrong
And everything that's true...
I know no body likes me here
No one in the world
But all they know is the outer core
Not the litte girl
I want to open up to someone
To let them know I'm real
But years of torment left me broken
And now I cannot feel
Let me know if you have the time
To hear a little girl cry
If you don't, it's really ok
I won't wonder why...
I guess I'm just stuck...!
Alone again...
On one dumb topic...
An area full of kids...
I can't stand any of them...
Can anyone see me...?
In the crowd...
By myself...
I stand...
How can blinded people see...
Do they even try to see...?
Is there any point to...
There was never a point...
No try or play again button...
No backspace, delete, or rewind...
I guess I'm just stuck...!
I'm So Pathetic...
I'm so pathetic!
Why am I so pathetic?
Is there even a point
for me to stay alive?
If there is, someone
really should show me
Because I can't see it
Maybe I've finally lost it
I've lost my mind
My soul
My heart
and my ability to write
anything that makes sense
I'm so pathetic
But my shiny little friend
has started to help
As the blood drips on the floor
It looks so bright on the pink tile
I'm dying
And still
I'm so pathetic...
Know me now or know me not...
Sitting, thinking
Burning inside
No longer knowing
You cannot hide
If this can't help
Nothing will
And now the blood
Begins to spill
Blood from years
Of torment and greed
Blood and tears
That no one will need
Know me now
Or know me not
Just once more
Here's your shot
They say...
They say to be your own person
But never do they mean it
Once I really tried to be
Man you should have seen it
They say to be independant
But to be Christian is to depend
Depend on God to give you strength
And all the grace that He can send
They say to be a good girl
But their definition is wrong
They say. to be your own person
You have to stand alone and strong
What they say doesn't matter
What they say is always wrong
For God expects us to give our all
To Him cause He is strong
So don't do what the others say
For they know not what they speak
For God will guide you through and through
And give you what you seek
There's Nothing Left to Say
I've stopped wearing your jersey now
Now I only sleep with it
I've stopped memorizing your every word
Now I'm simply lost without it
You've walked out of my stupid dreams
And now out of my grasp
I reach for you, but you pay no mind
And I refuse to ask
I feel like I am such a fool
To have left myself go so far
I've gotten to know you more by this
But now I don't know who you are
So tell me when it's ok to feel
So I can take away the numb
Tell me when I can stop giving away
And finally take some
Cause this pain I'm hiding in my soul
Is killing me everyday
I'm holding back so not to hurt her
There's nothing left to say…
And your mercy saves my life...
I’m not sure what this feeling was
But it’s confused me beyond belief
I can’t stop thinking about everything
My mind has no relief
I wish I could go back in time
Turn back into myself
I’m afraid of who I am becoming
I know that I need help
Dear God I beg You help me here
Give me peace of mind
Because now I’m realizing for myself
That to You I’m becoming blind
I’m sorry for the things I always seem to do wrong
And I’m sorry I’ve become so stupidly numb to You
But when I threw myself upon Your alter
Sobbing, crying, screaming in my head to You
I knew that You still lived in my heart
And I’m learning to let the world go
They’re not what I need now, I only need You
They’re not what I know I want, I’m only wanting You
Dear Lord I beg You help me through
I really can’t do this alone
Teach me to let my everything go
And fall into Your unknown
I love, I want, I need, and I hear
I care, I see, I taste, and I feel
I’m learning, I’m searching, I’m finding
What’s You, what’s real
I praise You Lord for
My life, my love, myself
I praise You for your loving grace
And your mercy saves my life
Forever am I in debt to You
For Your Son, and Your tremendous love
And now I only pray that someday I
Can thank You up above…
Then look around to find...
Confusion and pain stir in the mind
As you hold back the tears and try not to cry
It’s hard to be familiar with things you don’t know
People you don’t see, and places you won’t go
No one takes the time to listen to the truth
No one really cares for what’s me, and who’s you
Does anyone know the true meaning of being?
It’s so hard to comprehend, this world that we’re seeing
In life there is love, and in love there is joy
But it seems as if love, to me, is to annoy
What you call truth is someone else’s lie
And there’s nobody willing to answer the ‘why?’
So sit back and relax, don’t think until it’s done
Then look around to find, you were always the only one
I need your help inside myself...
I’ve fallen from Your grace again
Feel too ashamed to bear Your love
I feel You have no use for me
In all Your purity up above
The plank stuck in my eye
Only magnifies the speck in theirs
But I don’t know how to remove my own
Because I’ve feared nobody cares
I know You say You love me
But can’t understand why You would
I know You wouldn’t lie to me
But I’m really struggling to stay good
Please help me remove the plank
That continues to blind my sight
Please show me what I’m doing wrong
And teach me to do right
I need your help
Inside myself…
It's all just one big play...
A first time performance
For a very gifted cast
A very small group of six
That's set tonight to go last
Plays of insanity
Depression, and violence
It's planned to go on
But after the defiance
Neurotic performers
Of an age old art
But the monkeys on our back
Still insist to fart
Two more hours
Minutes left? Fifteen
We go on with the show
And hope for nothing obscene
She thinks it's convenience...
I hear him laugh and it ticks me off
He likes her, I like him, and she thinks it's convenience...
Why does love start out soft, and end up a razor in your hand while you bleed?
A story not yet told...
A story not yet told
A movie not yet seen
A song that's yet to be played
But tell me what does it mean?
You have no idea
You've never known at all
Because if you really did
It would've left you to take the fall
Understand my words so clear
And lead me back to you
I never was too good at saying
It's over and I'm through...
And with that you know I'm right...
Things that seem so strange
Can't stay the same forever
Things that seem to change
Are there for you whenever
Things that seem so wild
Can't change too awful quick
Things that seem to be mild
May often make you sick
Things that seem so dumb
Can't help you to go on
Things that seem to make you numb
May soon help you be gone
I pass my every stomping ground
And the places I used to fight
Things survive, not meant to be found
And with that you know I'm right...
Ideas ran dry...
No matter how hard I try
I could never satisfy you could I?
You always enjoyed my pain
And loved it when I had a fresh cut
You'd laugh and snear
And say how stupid I was... and I kept coming back...
The music played on
The ideas ran dry
The sun died away
The moon cried
And you left...
I don't need you anymore...
The cuts may still happen, but you don't laugh anymore...
By the way... Sorry about the arsenic in the coffee...
Your eyes...
I avoided your eyes...
I couldn't handle the look on your face...
It hurt too bad to pay attention because...
We both hurt each other, and I couldn't take it...
The dog lay sleeping on the floor...
And I sat crying on the bed while you stood at the window...
Staring at the dirty street that no one walked on anymore...
I don't see why you bothered to come...
The floor creaked as you went for the door...
I cried more as you spoke...
"I don't need you anymore...
If you can't handle this, I don't care anymore..."
I'm sorry...
I never meant to hurt you T.G...
I avoided your eyes...
I couldn't handle the look on your face...
Just a stupid rant...
If that's how it works
Then why do we have rules?
It's not like they're equally enforced...
Elementary, Junior High, High school...
They're all the same.
Sure when we're kids we seem to get along
But when we hit fifth grade
Man we all split like the Red Sea
Why does it work like that?
Why is it that no matter how alike two people can be
We're all still so different we can't get along anymore
It's crap! That's all it is!
I'll be glad when May comes around again
Graduation!
Out of the hell hole that they try to make sound good
"Oh wow! We're in high school now!"
Who cares? I've been there for three years and all I have to show is:
Self inflicted scars
A psychotic reputation
Barely passing grades
And only three real friends who don't even go to school with me...
You don't mature
You don't get cooler
You don't get more friends
You don't get a boyfriend/girlfriend
You have to be cool to begin with to get all that...
What you actually get is a bunch of bullcrap lines about how the faculty really does care, then they turn around and express how stupid, lazy, and pathetic you are!
I go to a school where more than half of all the male teachers are known as "Coach" and majority of the female teachers are on permanent PMS!!!
So tell me why high school should be the highlight of your teenage years... I'm DYING to know...
277 (Another rant type deal)
should be happy…
So why do I feel like I do?
I don’t even know why I feel this way…
I don’t even know what this feeling is…
It’s like a big mess of confusion, depression, anger, hurt, humor, and crap… all in one…
And I have absolutely no idea why… or what exactly…
Maybe it’s that I’m going to miss the Goo Goo Dolls this month… *But I didn’t get this depressed in February when I missed their concert…
Maybe it’s that I’m starting to believe that I’ll never meet John Rzeznik (my obsession) face to face…
Maybe it’s that I’m going to be alone at camp…
Maybe it’s that I don’t believe that I’m going to be famous anymore…
Maybe it’s all TJ’s fault…
Maybe it’s because I’m finding more and more problems that are hard to fix in my story… and my life…
Maybe it’s that I haven’t written a good song since ‘Chasteen’s Song (Forget-me-not)’…
Maybe it’s that I’m doing all kinds of planning and I’m probably never going to be able to do any of it…
Maybe it’s that I want to give my friends everything they need and don’t care about saving for me… whether they know or not…
Maybe it’s because I believe that there are times that my sister really does hate me and wish I hadn’t been born…
Maybe it’s that I’m too nice, too mean, too annoying, too pushy, too infantile, and too immature…
Maybe it’s because I talk more than I think just so that I don’t have to… but when there’s no one to talk to and a lot of time to think it hurts worse than never shutting up…
Maybe I’m just relapsing…………
Sir...
Yes sir, I was dark and demented once
No sir, I don't know why
But sir, if you'd just listen to me
I think I could give it a try
Yes sir, I have been a little down
No sir, no suicidal tendencies yet
But sir, shouldn't this be normal?
I mean, look, I lost the bet
Yes sir, I know that I shouldn't do that
No sir, I didn't mean anything of the sort
But sir, I'm really serious
I think I've built myself a fort
Yes sir, I did say it by accident
No sir, I didn't know what it would do
But sir, if you would pay attention
You'd have done the same if it were you
Yes sir, I understand the things you say
No sir, I do not wish to hear
But sir, just let me explain again
Why I have this fear
Yes sir, I have been hurt several times
No sir, not by just one
But sir, it was all my fault you see
For everything they've done
Yes sir, I know it may be over
No sir, I can't let it go
But sir, if I'm still dark inside
I've got nothing to show
Yes sir, I did check myself in
No sir, I didn't want to stay
Yes sir, I know it's an institution
But no sir, don't make me stay...
What's the point...
What's the point in being popular
If, with the crowd, you do not mix
What's the point in making up together
If the problem you can't fix
What's the point in having a lot of friends
If not one of them are true
What's the point in giving in to love
If he does not love you
What's the point in being dramatic
If they all just stop and stare
What's the point in looking up to them
If they don't really care
What's the point in being popular
If that's the thing that makes you hollow
What's the point in being on the top
If there's no one left to follow...?
The Gremlin
Evil in her childish laugh
Innocence on her face
Only twelve, but evil she is
She seems so out of place
Tricks and trouble
Are what makes her go
You could make her mad
But it wouldn't show
So go again, and look around
Before she catches up to you
Don't let her find you by yourself
There's no telling what she'd do
(This poem is about a little girl that went camping with my family this past week, and I swear to god she's evil... So I nick named her Gremlin)
Madness...
Why can't I scream
And say what I want to say?
Why can't I move on
And go one past that day?
Why can't I kill him
For everything he's done?
Why can't I let go
Because nobody has won?
What am I going to do
That day he does it again?
My sister, his sister
Where did it begin?
Fourteen, ten
Does age even seem to matter?
Why can't I have
His worthless dick on a silver platter?
One day you will die
And you don't even know how
But one thing I will share
The planning will start now...
When what's said is true...
I talk too much
I annoy a lot
I've lost my touch
I stirred the pot
I'm sorry I'm a burden
No favors shall I ask
I'll just keep herding
And finishing my task
I'm sorry for the uproar
I didn't mean to bitch
I really don't know what for
I just seemed to have an itch
So please forgive me
I never meant to
I guess I can't see
When what's said is true...
I swear you can't see...
You broke my heart
And shattered it
In pieces on the floor
Torn apart
To the last little bit
And slammed it in the door
You never gave me
An I'm sorry, didn't mean to
To stop the tears flowing
I swear you can't see
This I know is true
You don't know where you're going
Leave me alone
Stop with the e-mails
I'm tired of being in pain
Things unknown
With hidden cries and wails
And YOU are the one to blame
The lost one...
Can anyone understand
When no one will ever listen
It's like maggots in a trash can
No body cares...
A poem, a rhyme, a song, a time...
Does any body ever think twice
Before they go about hurting someone
Before they make someone want to die
Make someone want to do the things I've done to myself...
A life, a death, a birth, a breath...
Does any one think of life
Of death
Of having a REAL family?
A normal life?
Instead they're only the lost one...
If I told your secret...
If I told your secret
What else would you do to me?
Would you do it again
Or hurt me worse, just to make me see?
Would they look at me wrong
And think the fault is on me?
If I told your secret
What would it do to you?
Make you go away?
Or make you think of what to do?
Would it tear you down
Like I want it to?
If I told your secret
What would it do to them?
Would they believe me?
What would happen then?
Would they think "What a bad boy"
"Keep her away from him"?
They would look at me weird
And look at you as well
We'd be banished
And I promised I'd never tell
But guess what...
We're going to hell...
I almost told your secret...
What You Call Perfection...
You say I look so pretty
Then you say that I am not
Angry words I can't digest
"You don't know how much you've got"
What you call perfection
Is something you can't get
No matter how you walk
No matter how you sit
Please just stop complaining
I just want some time for me
I didn't mean to make a mess
Is there anyway to make you see?
I can't hold down
What you force feed
Leave me alone
That's not what I need
What if it were you
Sitting in my place
Scars on legs and arms
Bruises on your face
Don't tell me that it's easy
Don't tell me that you feel bad
I'm not listening to anything
You've lost whatever you had
If Dreams Came True...
If dreams came true...
Do you know how many people would be dead?
In pain?
Dying slowly, and painfully from disease?
If dreams came true...
Do you know how many men would not have a penis?
Would walk funny from being kicked in the balls too much?
If dreams came true...
Do you know how many bad presidents, or man-stealing women would be gone?
If dreams came true...
Half the human population would be dead, or enslaved....
Things just don't seem right...
Things just don't seem right
In a world I can't describe
It use to be so peaceful
But now I need a place to hide
Dear God don't let me die here
That's the last thing that I need
The monster's on it's way
It's time for him to feed
Dear God don't let him get me
Please no, not again
An explanation is hard to give
I don't know where to begin
No one understands yet
Why my soul is broken
I don't know what to say
For years I have not spoken
Things just don't seem right
In a world I can't describe
It use to be so peaceful
But now I need a place to die
A person I am not...
Pretty as a picture
But I couldn't really care
Nothing worse in life
Than wasting what you spare
No one understands me
Or why I cut my skin
No one understands
How my patience wears so thin
Come a little closer
Take a closer look
Answer a few questions
You possibly mistook
Everybody thinks
I'm normal without a flaw
A person I am not
A person about to fall
To Your greatness I will succumb...
Lord, give me strength to live today
I need You by my side
To match my footprints with your own
To take it all in stride
I've lost my temper too many times
And my tongue is rather sharp
I need You here to guide me Lord
This path is way too dark
Obstacles seem to block my path
And satan is squatting near
Waiting to catch my every weakness
And take over my every fear
But You are the lamp unto my feet
The light unto my path
Satan can never touch me now
So I no longer fear his wrath
You saved me Lord, right from myself
Today, and in days to come
I love You Lord for now and always
To Your greatness I will succumb
}|#*~*|Prose and Stories|*~*#|{
Case #: 32
~The Beginning~
“You need help Alvina,” Frederica said as she took a razor away from her friend.
“Freddi I’m fine,” Alvina said.
“No, you’re bleeding,” Freddi replied giving her a towel, “You’re lucky I got here early, Ali.”
“I am?” she asked, “How so? So you could yell at me?”
“No, if you would’ve cut any deeper you would’ve been seriously hurt,”
Freddi said as she walked from Ali’s room to the bathroom across the hall to get alcohol and cotton balls.
“Ok nurse,” Ali said sarcastically.
“Ali I’m not playing. You need to stop this! You’re gonna seriously hurt yourself one day,” Freddi said in a concerned tone.
“I will not!” Ali said, wincing as Freddi put the alcohol soaked cotton ball on the severe cut Ali had inflicted on her own leg.
“Then why do you do it?” Freddi asked.
“It’s fun,” Ali said with a laugh.
“Fun?” Freddi said in a disgusted tone, “How is self mutilation fun?”
“It’s not fun, per say. It’s just a way I let go of things. Would you rather I do drugs?” Ali asked.
“No! I’d rather you write, talk, punch walls, or do something. Just nothing this dangerous,” Freddi said wiping the alcohol off Ali’s leg, then bandaging it, “Where’s your mom?”
“Where do you think?” Ali asked in a sarcastic tone, “Work.”
“Dad?”
“Out of town.”
“Where this time?” Freddi asked as she picked up the mess and went back to the bathroom.
“Somewhere in Minnesota,” Ali replied playing with the bandage Freddi had just put on her leg.
“So your parents don’t know about you doing this?” Freddi asked as she came back into the room and smacked Ali’s hand, “Stop it.”
“No they don’t know,” Ali answered, “They’d have me locked up. Why do you think it took me so long to tell you about it?”
“Maybe that’s what you need, is to be locked up,” Freddi said sitting down on Ali’s bed.
“Man, I thought you were my friend,” Ali said shooting a death look at Freddi.
“I am! That’s why I say you need to get some help!” Freddi said in her own defense, “You know that psychiatrist my mom sent me to when her and dad divorced?”
“Yeah,” Ali said suspiciously.
“Well, she was a great doctor. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt if you started seeing her,” Freddi said.
“A shrink?” Ali said in an offended tone.
“She was a cool person, and she doesn’t have to tell your parents,” Freddi insisted.
“I thought we were going to the movies,” Ali said changing the subject as she stood up, pulled on a pair of jeans then laced up her boots.
“Don’t change the subject like that Ali,” Freddi said, knowing what Ali was doing.
“Well! I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I’m not going to go to some shrink who thinks she knows me when she doesn’t know anything about me,” Ali almost yelled.
“Why won’t you just try it. For me,” Freddi said.
“Fine! If it’ll shut you up I’ll go!” Ali said finally, “Now, can we go to the movies? Please?”
“Yep, let’s go,” Freddi said as she got up, grabbed her bag and they left.
When they got to the movies the place was packed.
They bought their tickets and went to the theater it was in. The only seats left were two in the very back next to the wall.
They got their seats and waited for the movie to come on.
About an hour into the movie Ali excused herself to the bathroom.
“Hurry up, it’s getting to the good parts,” Freddi whispered.
“Ok,” Ali replied as she left the theater.
When she got to the bathroom she waited till the lady in the second stall was out and locked the door. She pulled up the sleeve of her black shirt and got her extra razor, which Freddi didn’t know about, and slit her arm three times. After about five minutes she cleaned her arm up, wrapped a paper towel around it, pulled her sleeve down and went back to the movie.
“What took so long?” Freddi asked as Ali got back to her seat.
“Line,” Ali answered as she continued watching the movie.
“Oh, ok,” Freddi replied.
When it was over Ali and Freddi hurried to leave so not to get held up in the crowd.
“Wasn’t that an awesome movie?” Freddi asked when they got outside.
“Yeah, that one part where he was in the apartment was hilarious,” Ali laughed.
“Let’s go get something to eat,” Freddi said unlocking the car doors.
“Sounds good to me, I’m starving,” Ali replied.
When they got to Taco Bell they decided to eat inside.
“Hey, what do you want?” Freddi asked as she lightly hit Ali’s arm. Ali winced, and her wound had bled through the paper towel and shirt. Freddi looked down at her own hand which now had blood on it, and said, “Ali, come with me.”
Freddi grabbed Ali’s other arm and pulled her towards the bathroom.
“Roll up your sleeve,” Freddi demanded.
“Why?” Ali said, avoiding eye contact.
“You know why!” Freddi said in an angry tone.
“Fine!” Ali said as she pulled up her sleeve to reveal a blood soaked paper towel.
“Let me see the cuts,” Freddi said.
“Freddi, will you stop!”
“No! Show me!”
Ali unwrapped the paper towel to reveal the three large cuts on her right arm.
“Ali, why?” Freddi asked.
“I don’t know! It’s like an addiction!” Ali replied, “You wouldn’t understand!”
“Then help me understand,” Freddi demanded, “Help me understand why you like to hurt yourself.”
“You used to smoke right?” Ali asked.
“Yeah,” Freddi replied, looking for her point.
“You remember the cravings you got for the nicotine?”
“Yeah, your point?”
“That’s what it feels like for me. Except I’m not craving nicotine. I’m craving pain,” Ali explained.
“That’s insane!” Freddi blurted.
“I know!” Ali exclaimed, “I know it is.”
“Whatever!” Freddi said as she got a paper towel from the dispenser on the wall.
She once again took care of Ali’s wound and then they went to get their food. They changed their mind about eating inside and got their food to go.
~School Problems~
“Ms. Lewis, you’re late, again!” Mrs. Prosten said as Ali tried to sneak into class without being noticed.
“I’m sorry Mrs. Prosten. My alarm clock quit on me and I woke up late, then missed the bus,” Ali said, hoping her ‘helpless’ look would loosen Mrs. Prosten up.
“That’s the fourth time now,” Mrs. Prosten spat.
“I know, and I’m sorry,” Ali said.
“I’m afraid I have to give you a detention,” Mrs. Prosten said getting out a slip and her pen.
“Wait! Mrs. Prosten,” Freddi said putting her hand up, “It was also my fault she was late. I didn’t show up to pick her up this morning.”
“That’s too bad Ms. Johnson,” Mrs. Prosten said, “I’m afraid if Ms. Lewis can’t get herself to school on time, it’s no fault to anyone but herself.”
“But…” Freddi began.
“No but’s, unless you want a detention too,” Mrs. Prosten snapped.
Freddi gave a look of defeat then mouthed, “I’m sorry. You know I have practice,” to Ali.
“It’s ok,” Ali mouthed back as she took her seat.
Mrs. Prosten continued on with class.
Ali sat with her hands under her desk. When Freddi looked over at her she was picking at the cuts on her arm. Freddi reached over and hit her arm.
Ali shot her a look of daggers and pulled her sleeve down.
After class Ali headed for the bathroom. But she wasn’t quick enough.
Freddi saw where she was headed and followed her.
Ali was the only one in the bathroom. Freddi walked over and kicked open Ali’s stall.
There she sat, razor in hand, and blood on her arm.
“Alvina!” Freddi said taking the razor away from her, throwing it in the trash.
“Freddi, stop,” Ali cried.
“NO!” Freddi replied as she left the stall to get paper towels, “I’m so sick of cleaning up your blood. You’re gonna get caught, and they’re gonna lock you up in some institution somewhere! You can’t keep doing this!”
“I wanna go home,” Ali said.
“Fine, I’ll take you home. Where’s your notebook?” Freddi said wrapping
Ali’s arm tightly.
“Why?” Ali asked.
“To forge notes for us to leave,” Freddi said as if Ali were stupid.
“It’s in my bag,” Ali said pulling her sleeve down.
“Ok, I’ll write that we have some kind of event thing to go to,” Freddi
said as she got a pen out of the front pouch of Ali’s book bag.
Freddi wrote fast and signed her mother’s name. Then wrote Ali’s note.
“Here, sign your mom’s name,” Freddi said handing Ali the notebook and pen.
Ali did as she was told and then ripped the sheet out. She put the notebook and pen back in her bag and they left the restroom.
“Hi Mrs. Anderson,” Freddi smiled politely, “Is Mrs. Bradkins in her office? We forgot to get our white slips this morning to leave early.”
“Yes she is Frederica,” Mrs. Anderson smiled.
“Thanks a lot,” Freddi said leading Ali into Mrs. Bradkins office, “Hello Mrs. Bradkins.”
“Hey girls, how are you today?” Mrs. Bradkins asked with her usual smile.
“Oh we’re fine. But we forgot to get our white slips to leave this morning,” Freddi said handing Mrs. Bradkins her and Ali’s notes.
“Oh! Ok,” Mrs. Bradkins said taking the notes.
She read over them quickly then turned to her computer. After a few clicks and some typing she turned back around and said, “Here you go ladies. Drive carefully.”
“Always,” Freddi smiled, “Have a nice day.”
“You too,” Mrs. Bradkins said going back to the paper work she was doing before.
“I thought you had practice,” Ali said when they got to Freddi’s car.
“I do,” Freddi said, “But now that I’m leaving, I can’t go, can I?”
“I’m sorry Freddi,” Ali said shamefully.
“It’s ok, see if there’s anything good on the radio,” Freddi said as she put the car into gear and pulled out of the parking lot.
~The Scars~
When they got to Ali’s house they went up to her room.
“Let me see your scars,” Freddi ordered, “All of them.”
“Why?” Ali asked in a shameful tone.
“Just do it,” Freddi said.
“Fine,” Ali said as she took her shirt off.
Standing in her bra and jeans Ali shuddered. Not because she was cold, or at least not cold on the outside, but cold on the inside.
“My God Ali,” Freddi said in almost a whisper.
Ali had scars all over her arms, chest, and stomach.
Freddi sat down on Ali’s bed with a look of shock.
“How could someone do this to themselves?” Freddi asked, more to herself than Ali.
“I don’t even remember why I started now,” Ali said put her shirt back on and sat Indian style on the floor.
“A better question, when did you start?” Freddi asked.
“Junior High,” Ali replied staring blankly at the floor, “Before we met. It just became a habit. As if it were a defense or healing mechanism.”
“How could this be healing?” Freddi asked.
“It helps if I induce the pain on the outside myself rather than feeling the pain inside that others cause,” Ali explained.
“Well, I’m gonna call that psychiatrist to set up an appointment for you,”
Freddi said picking up Ali’s phone.
Ali didn’t say a word. Just sat there as Freddi made the call.
“Ok, thanks doc. Yeah, we’ll see ya next week,” Freddi said as she hung
up the phone.
“Next week huh?” Ali said when Freddi hung up.
“Yeah, Thursday,” Freddi answered.
“Ok,” Ali replied.
“Got anything good to eat in this house?” Freddi asked.
“Nope,” Ali replied, then looked up at Freddi, “Pizza?”
“Pizza,” Freddi agreed.
They went down stairs and Ali got a twenty out of her mom’s office.
They ordered the pizza, then sat in the living room and looked for a movie on TV while they waited.
Freddi left Ali’s house around four and headed home.
Around seven that night, Ali’s boyfriend, Brent called Ali.
“Hey babe,” Brent said when Ali picked up the phone.
“Hi,” Ali said happily, “What’s up?”
“Not much. Why’d you leave school early?” he asked.
“Reasons,” Ali replied quickly.
“Ok…” Brent said slowly.
It was silent for a moment or two before Ali said, “What’s wrong?”
“Huh? Oh, nothing. Why do you ask?” Brent said.
“Well, you’re not talking and when you do talk to sound distracted.
What’s going on?” Ali questioned.
“I think we should break up,” Brent answered bluntly.
“What?” Ali choked out, “Why?”
“I like someone else, I’m sorry Ali,” Brent said in a sympathetic tone.
“After two years, you like someone else? Who?” Ali demanded.
“Ali, I don’t want to hurt you,” Brent said.
“Too late for that. Tell me now! Who?” Ali said as tears streamed down
her face.
“It’s Freddi. I like Freddi. I’m sorry,” Brent replied, “I’m going to her
house tonight to ask her.”
“My best friend?” Ali yelled, “I can’t believe you! I HATE YOU!”
Ali slammed the phone down as she fell in a heap on the floor and sobbed.
After about twenty minutes, she had stopped crying. She sat in the middle of her bedroom floor rocking back and forth when a gleam of light caught her eye.
A razor.
~What Ended It All~
“What?” Freddi asked in shock, “No way! Ali’s my best friend, and I don’t even like you!”
“But…” Brent sputtered as he stood on the front porch of Freddi’s house.
“No! Now leave!” Freddi said as she shut the door.
She leaned against the door thinking of how big a moron Brent was when Ali crossed her mind.
“Oh God!” Freddi said as her heart dropped.
She ran to the phone and dialed Ali’s number. Busy.
“Oh dear God, no!” Freddi said as she grabbed her keys, “Mom, I’ll be
back! I’m going to Ali’s! Love ya.”
Freddi ran out the door, past Brent, who was sitting on her steps, and got in her car. She fumbled with the keys a moment, then found the right one, started the car and sped out.
She sped the whole way to Ali’s and almost got pulled over by a cop.
She squealed into Ali’s driveway and ran up on the porch.
She pounded on the door.
“Come on Ali, please,” Freddi said, tears in her eyes.
No one came to the door. But it was unlocked.
Freddi opened the door and flew up the steps.
“Ali!” she yelled.
Ali lay on the floor of her bedroom. The carpet was blood stained and a razor lay beside her.
Freddi dropped to her knees beside Ali and started sobbing.
“I told him no,” Freddi whispered through her tears, “I told him no Ali,
because you were my friend. My only friend.”
“I can’t believe you did this!” Freddi wailed, “We were supposed to
graduate together in two months and go to college!”
~What’s left~
The ambulance lights flashed as Freddi sat, dazed, on the couch. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying.
The paramedics came down the stairs with Ali, covered by a sheet, on a gurney. They loaded her into the ambulance and turned the lights and sirens off. No need in rushing, she was dead before they got there.
Brent stood outside in the middle of the crowd that had formed in the street.
Strangely enough Brent wasn’t seen again after that night.
The funeral was a blur really. It was gray, cold, and rainy. It was a
closed casket. Ali’s dad couldn’t bear to go to the funeral, and so he went on another business trip.
Ali’s mother had a nervous breakdown and checked into a mental hospital an hour away. Without her child, she felt she was nothing. Three months later her and Ali’s father divorced, and she never left the hospital.
Brent called Freddi a week after graduation. He left a message on her answering machine saying “I’m sorry about Ali. But you don’t have to worry anymore cause I’m never coming back. I got a job on a boat in Florida. I’m sorry Freddi.”
Freddi erased the message and never thought twice.
After the papers were done covering “The Teen Suicide” months later all
Ali became to the town was another case number.
Case #: 32
“To the town she may only have been a case number. But to me, she was the world!” – Frederica Johnson
The Strength of the Girl They Never Knew
Sylvia walked down the street to her high school, same as she had for the past four years.
Sylvia was a very thin, pale girl who stood about five foot four. She was as close to a hundred pounds as she’d ever be, and aside from her school books, her cross necklace, clothes she was wearing, and book bag were the only possessions she had.
She clutched her Calculus book to her thin, wheezing chest as she walked through the halls to get to class. Insults came from all directions as she bit her lip and continued to walk.
She didn’t smell or anything, but she wasn’t the cleanest person. Her hair was stringy, and her clothes were as clean as she could possibly get them. But she had been wearing them, for years.
Sylvia sat in the back of her Calculus class and day dreamed. She was smart beyond belief and already had all of her work done for the rest of the week. Her teacher Mr. Anders, knowing how smart Sylvia was, never bothered to say anything to her, or make her answer questions. He knew she never talked, and he knew there had to be a reason for the way she was.
A paper ball sailed through the air, hitting Sylvia in the side of the head making her jump, and jerking her out of her daydream.
The entire class burst into laughter as Sylvia’s eyes filled with tears.
“That is enough,” Mr. Anders said angrily as he hit his desk with a yard stick, the sound echoed through the room, “This is a class for seniors not first graders. If you persist in acting infantile I suggest you go speak to the principal!”
The laughter quickly stopped as they all turned and sank down in their seats.
“Am I understood?” Mr. Anders asked threateningly.
A few people nodded as other just looked away with a shameful face.
“Sylvia, are you ok, or would you like to be excused?” Mr. Anders asked politely.
Sylvia wiped her eyes, picked up her book and went to Mr. Anders’ desk. Mr. Anders wrote a pass to the office, and she left the room.
Once again clutching her Calculus book to her chest she walked down the hall, which was now empty and quiet. She went to her locker and put her Calculus book away, got her Advanced History book, closed her locker and headed for the office.
When she got in the office the secretary asked what she needed. Sylvia simply handed her the pass, turned, and sat down in one of the chairs along the wall.
The secretary read the pass, which said that Sylvia was excused from Mr. Anders’ class for the day.
After the secretary read the note, she looked at Sylvia and said, “Again?”
Sylvia nodded as the secretary rolled her eyes and threw the pass in the trash.
Nobody understood Sylvia, or why she never talked, why God would waste a perfectly good brain on someone so low, and they didn’t know why she was dirty. No body cared to understand any of that. The only one who seemed to genuinely care was Mr. Anders. Sylvia was going to miss him.
When the bell finally rang Sylvia left to go to her next class where people cared more about sleeping than terrorizing her.
When lunch came Sylvia sat in the back corner, as she had for four years. No tray of food in front of her, just a blank sheet of notebook paper Mr. Anders had given her.
A little over a week ago Sylvia's English teacher informed Sylvia’s class that for their nine week, end of the year grade they would have to present a speech. Most would be in front of the class, but some would be in front of the entire school at graduation.
The theme of the speech was “why you shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover”. It had to be done by the period after lunch that day.
Ten minutes before lunch was over Sylvia started writing, with a pencil Mr. Anders had given her, and by the time lunch was over her speech was done and ready to read.
Sylvia’s English teacher, Ms. Cranston, read Sylvia’s speech and had tears in her eyes when she finished.
“Sylvia, I know you don’t like to speak in front of people,” Ms. Cranston said as she wiped her eyes, “Or at all, but would you be willing to give your speech at graduation? I think everyone needs to know this.”
A small smile spread across Sylvia’s usually emotionless face as she nodded.
Graduation day finally arrived and Sylvia, for the first time in years, was happy. Not only would this take a load off of her weak chest, but it would let everyone know the way she was wasn’t her fault.
Sylvia listened to Tina Bowers’ speech, then Scott Loland, then Zach Zimmer’s speech before it was her turn.
“Sylvia, it’s time,” Ms. Cranston said politely, “Are you ready?”
Sylvia took a deep breath, nodded her head, and slowly walked to the podium in the middle of the stage.
Sylvia looked over her speech, said a small prayer, and began her speech.
“You all know that I am Sylvia Peterson. You know that I am poor. You know that I’m not such a clean person. But what you do not know is why.
I was raised in church until the age of five when my mother died of breast cancer. After my mother died, my father pulled us out of church; he never liked it much anyway. He began to drink all the time. He would drink from the time he got home from work, until he would pass out. But between the time he started, and the time he passed out he would abuse me, physically, mentally, and sexually. Once he beat me so bad that I was hospitalized. When he found out he was going to be arrested, he put a pistol in his mouth. And I had become an orphan.
By the time I was cleared to leave the hospital they had me a foster home here in Pilot. At this time I was eleven years old.
For the next three years I was shuffled from home to home when I ended up in a home where I basically became Cinderella, without the Prince part.
When I was just about to turn seventeen I was diagnosed with cancer and given about eighteen months to live. The family I was with at the time had adopted me six months prior to my diagnosis and now being completely financially responsible for me decided they couldn’t afford me any longer and so they kicked me out. And my disease has gone untreated.
I now live in the alley behind my old house. For the past year I have been slowly starving to death, living on the scraps I find in the trash cans, while the cancer has been eating me from the inside out.
All the dreams and plans our teachers encourage us to have will never apply to me. I’ll never make it to college. I’ll never have a family. And after this year, you will all probably never see me again. But I know that when I die God will take me in his arms and I’ll see my mother once again.
No matter what life has given me, I’ve never given up on life, or on God, and I know God will lead me home.
And that’s why you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.”
With the last word, Sylvia picked up her speech, turned, and walked off stage.
Everyone sat in shock and tears, students, parents, and teachers alike, as they applauded the strength of the girl they never knew.
People Sylvia didn’t know, and a lot of people Sylvia had gone to school with for years came up to her after the ceremony and apologized to her for how mean they had always been to her. Some people were still crying from the heart wrenching, true speech she had given.
The week after graduation Sylvia died of a cold. She was found curled up beside a trashcan in the alley she had lived in for a year. And as sad as it seems, to her it wasn’t. Because her obituary said she was smiling.
}|#*~*|Role Play|*~*#|{
<a name="#fifteen"> Choice to Make It Out </a>
Choice to Make It Out Started by me.
<a href="#top">Back to Index </a>
_____________________
<a name="#sixteen"> La Nuit Noire </a>
La Nuit Noire Started by the quiet poet
<a href="#top">Back to Index </a>
_____________________
<a name="#seventeen"> Mystery of the Darkness </a>
Mystery of the Darkness Started by *daughter of the moon*
<a href="#top">Back to Index </a>
_____________________
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No fair! Your archive is bigger than mine!
lol just jokin sis... You know I love your poetry!
Always,
Sis
lol just jokin sis... You know I love your poetry!
Always,
Sis
"Our minds create our realities based on our perceptions and how we view our world..." "In crazy mans world, everyone else is insane and he is the only sane one"
Both said by My Georgia Muse
I miss my baby...R.I.P Chyna
~*}i{*Duchess*}i{*~
I wish to live in a world where chickens can cross the road without their motives being questioned.
Both said by My Georgia Muse
I miss my baby...R.I.P Chyna
~*}i{*Duchess*}i{*~
I wish to live in a world where chickens can cross the road without their motives being questioned.
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You know I love to come in here because it's like a little library dedicated to you and true talent...I love it...quiet and peaceful...lol...
Anyway...just wanted to come in and compliment you on the little library...or the barbie collection as you call it...
Always
Jen
Anyway...just wanted to come in and compliment you on the little library...or the barbie collection as you call it...
Always
Jen
"Our minds create our realities based on our perceptions and how we view our world..." "In crazy mans world, everyone else is insane and he is the only sane one"
Both said by My Georgia Muse
I miss my baby...R.I.P Chyna
~*}i{*Duchess*}i{*~
I wish to live in a world where chickens can cross the road without their motives being questioned.
Both said by My Georgia Muse
I miss my baby...R.I.P Chyna
~*}i{*Duchess*}i{*~
I wish to live in a world where chickens can cross the road without their motives being questioned.
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