The Raggy Dolls
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The Raggy Dolls
The tide shall gently caress my feet
As I pick up a couple of grains of sand.
That's when I'll realise
The Sun's burning light glimmering
Off the wet sand,
And I'll sigh.
That shall be perfect.
I want it all to go as planned,
And if it does not
Then I shall kill myself
In a fit of self-respect.
I am a doll that must be correct,
All must be correct or you are not accepted
On the production line.
The less you know
The more you rage.
This is the final stanza
I shall ever write.
There shall be no more,
There would only be pain
And rejection.
My perfect product of my endeavours
Is but a delusion.
-----------------
Aw shucks. What a gasbag.
As I pick up a couple of grains of sand.
That's when I'll realise
The Sun's burning light glimmering
Off the wet sand,
And I'll sigh.
That shall be perfect.
I want it all to go as planned,
And if it does not
Then I shall kill myself
In a fit of self-respect.
I am a doll that must be correct,
All must be correct or you are not accepted
On the production line.
The less you know
The more you rage.
This is the final stanza
I shall ever write.
There shall be no more,
There would only be pain
And rejection.
My perfect product of my endeavours
Is but a delusion.
-----------------
Aw shucks. What a gasbag.
- heinzs
- The Fat Cat
- Posts: 8419
- Joined: Tue Dec 18, 2001 12:01 am
- Tag line: Do no harm
- Location: Novato, CA
- Contact:
Ok. here's my suggestion for stanza one:
The tide shall gently caress my feet
As I pick up a couple of grains of sand.
That's when I'll realise
The Sun's burning light glimmering
Off the wet sand,
And I'll sigh.
That shall be perfect.
The tide shall gently caress my feet
As I pick up a few grains of sand
And I'll realize the burning sunlight
Glimmering
And sigh...
Perfection!
The tide shall gently caress my feet
As I pick up a couple of grains of sand.
That's when I'll realise
The Sun's burning light glimmering
Off the wet sand,
And I'll sigh.
That shall be perfect.
The tide shall gently caress my feet
As I pick up a few grains of sand
And I'll realize the burning sunlight
Glimmering
And sigh...
Perfection!
An' it harm none, do what ye will. Blessed Be.
***************************************
My Poet's Page Archive | Topics I've started
-
- Behind the Curtain
- Posts: 797
- Joined: Mon Dec 17, 2001 12:01 am
- Tag line: Behind the Curtain
- Location: Georgia, USA
In the first stanza
The repeat of "sand" in line 2 and 5 made me stumble or something when I hit the second sand. Maybe try reworking that line without the word sand.The tide shall gently caress my feet
As I pick up a couple of grains of sand.
That's when I'll realise
The Sun's burning light glimmering
Off the wet sand,
And I'll sigh.
That shall be perfect.
twisting the throttle
as I lean into the curve
bug SPLAT on my face
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The tide shall gently caress my feet
Whilst I pick up a handful of sand.
The ground down granite
Shall glimmer; sunlit.
Then the sigh comes...
Perfection!
I want it all
To go as planned,
And if it does not
Then I shall die
In a fit of self-respect.
I am a doll that must be correct,
The production line shall not accept
If I am anything less.
My ignorance fuels the rage.
This is the final stanza
I shall ever write.
There shall be no more,
There would only be pain
Rejection.
My perfect product of my endeavours
Is but a delusion.
---------------
OK a bit of a switch around about and that. If only I could remember what I was trying to get at when I wrote these things.
Whilst I pick up a handful of sand.
The ground down granite
Shall glimmer; sunlit.
Then the sigh comes...
Perfection!
I want it all
To go as planned,
And if it does not
Then I shall die
In a fit of self-respect.
I am a doll that must be correct,
The production line shall not accept
If I am anything less.
My ignorance fuels the rage.
This is the final stanza
I shall ever write.
There shall be no more,
There would only be pain
Rejection.
My perfect product of my endeavours
Is but a delusion.
---------------
OK a bit of a switch around about and that. If only I could remember what I was trying to get at when I wrote these things.
- heinzs
- The Fat Cat
- Posts: 8419
- Joined: Tue Dec 18, 2001 12:01 am
- Tag line: Do no harm
- Location: Novato, CA
- Contact:
I like it when a poem matures like this one...
An' it harm none, do what ye will. Blessed Be.
***************************************
My Poet's Page Archive | Topics I've started
Do you mind if I play too?
The tide shall gently caress my feet shall - omit - gently caresses
Whilst I pick up a handful of sand. Whilst - While
The ground down granite
Shall glimmer; sunlit. shall - omit- glimmers
Then the sigh comes...
Perfection!
I want it all
To go as planned, To go as planned - omit
And if it does not and if it does not - and if not
Then I shall die
In a fit of self-respect.
I am a doll that must be correct, correct - perfect
The production line shall not accept shall - will
If I am anything less. If I am anythiny less - anything less
My ignorance fuels the rage.
This is the final stanza
I shall ever write. shall - will
There shall be no more, shall -will
There would only be pain
Rejection.
My perfect product of my endeavours My - The
Is but a delusion.
I hope I didn't change your meaning - but I did have fun playing with your poem.
The tide shall gently caress my feet shall - omit - gently caresses
Whilst I pick up a handful of sand. Whilst - While
The ground down granite
Shall glimmer; sunlit. shall - omit- glimmers
Then the sigh comes...
Perfection!
I want it all
To go as planned, To go as planned - omit
And if it does not and if it does not - and if not
Then I shall die
In a fit of self-respect.
I am a doll that must be correct, correct - perfect
The production line shall not accept shall - will
If I am anything less. If I am anythiny less - anything less
My ignorance fuels the rage.
This is the final stanza
I shall ever write. shall - will
There shall be no more, shall -will
There would only be pain
Rejection.
My perfect product of my endeavours My - The
Is but a delusion.
I hope I didn't change your meaning - but I did have fun playing with your poem.
This above all to thine own self be true.
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