Survivor

[Black Star Shine]

Caution: I use a couple swear words. It is a bit graphic. But please read. oh and the grammer is horrible for a reason.



2/?

I found this couple of pieces of paper under the bed, and i dull pencil. i havent been able to see outside since i first came here a month ago. how i survive. i dont know. i wish i could tell the story from the first time he threw me in his tow truck, but i dont have enough day light or enough time before he's bound to come.

2/next day

he didnt do much last night mostly just beat me drew a little blood and left me to freeze like every night. i think it snowed last night because i was even colder while huddling on the bare bed.

2/possible 13

he had rope with him last night. tied my wrists together and forced me to hold still on the bed. he slapped my hard with his coarse hand across the cheek when i started crying as he opened the fly of his jeans. he sat on me... on my face... made me gag on him... he's a monster...

2/sore day

its like he cant take a break. my body is screaming at me needing the food that i get only once a week. needing warmth, sleep, no more hurt... he had come this morning instead... caught me by surprise and threw a sack over my head so i couldnt see then tied rope around my mouth so i couldnt scream... he gripped parts of me... my thighs, my arms, neck, breasts... dug his nails into my skin as he dug himself deep into me as well... why doesnt he understand... i'm only 16...

2/good day

food! oh how i've been starving for this day. its usually a day he doesnt come, just slips 3 slices of bread under the door and lets sunlight spill for a split second as he sets a half cup of water just inside. the dirt salting the bread adds the most delicious tang to my awaiting stomach. i have to tell myself to eat slowly so it fills up faster and i can last longer. the water i will only sip until i absolutely have to finish it before he takes it away. i stash one piece of bread under the bed. after all, moldy bread is better then no bread.

2/alone day

moonlight is coming from a crack and i'm able to write. he hasnt come tonight most likely wont. i guess there is a room next to the one i'm in. i can hear whimpers and blows of him and a girl. she keeps trying to scream and its a bad idea. i wish i could scream, but i know i wouldnt live. i can hear him throw her against a wall and she screams louder. he yells back at her 'you damn girl' i dont believe he's touched her like he touches me. i know she would stop screaming from the pain if he did. you cant scream when he touches you or it will hurt worse. her screams are painful to my ears. i hear him kick her and her screams briefly subside. i hear the tearing of clothes as he takes them off her. she screams more. screaming for mommy... daddy... anyone... her screams are cut short by an audible, gruesome ripping sound and i can hear him whisper in the silence 'you fucking virgin'. her screams starts up again. desperate. loud. pain filled. i hear a knife being unsheathed and her screams stop... how old was she...?

2/still in pain day

i havent been able to move the past 3 days and barely could today. people say 'its the worse day of my life' all the time in casual ways but i wont ever say it ever again as long as the images of the other day are in my mind. he's a sick sick monster... what motivates him... pleasure? what drives him to pick girl off the street and torture them... what ever it is is sick! i cant imagine what kind of man would tie a girls hands and feet in four different directions while she lies on her stomach... making sure her legs are wide spread... and shoves himself into her with so much hatred... and if thats not bad enough.... add the part when he has a razor... slicing and scraping the skin off your back carving in 'never forget me' in your very own skin.... believe me... you dont know what the worse day of your life is compared to mine... i hear him coming

2/second worse day of my life

i dont think i will ever be able to walk very much anymore as long as i'm here... not with what he did yesterday... i can barely move at all combined with the bloody back, sore bruises and even more sore privet part of me... why would he do the things he does... why doesnt he just kill me... or does he find it more fun to take his hand and shove the whole thing into me as far as it can go.... i wish i could call myself strong for lasting the long... but then i think of the girl from the other night... maybe she was the strong one having the courage to scream for help... oh how i wish i was strong enough...

3/15/09

thats the actual date. i had lost track. good news. i'm safe... if thats even a word appropriate for how i feel... cops... millions of them i swear... but one broke down the door to see my mangled body on the bloody bed. after he fought the urge to puke, he asked if he was allowed to carry me to safety. i havent heard someone ask my permission in forever. i'm in a hospital right now and i really can only move my arm to write. i cant shake the feeling he's watching me still. but they assure me he's well behind bars. a hotel. rundown hotel between CA and Las Vegas. thats where he took his victims. i was the only survivor... guess how many bodies of girls they found... 83....

3/16/09

mom. dad. kevin my brother. rae my sister. seeing them was the greatest thing in the world. if only i could have hugged them.

5/23/09

i havent written in awhile. i dont know why i keep these papers anyways... painful memories... i cant do many things now. wont eat bread. cant sleep. wont stay in hotels. and wont ever have the lights off. hurts to much in my soul. i cant look in the mirror much either... each time i see the words 'never forget me' in my body reminding me... forever... i wont ever be the same...

oh and did i mention... the kidnapper... he got me pregnant.........