He's not gone...

[Black Star Shine]

I skipped through the halls of my high school, Ridgeson High, happily. My hair was curled and bouncy around my shoulders as I ran a hand through it and giggled. People smiled and waved at me and my goofy smile I always had on. I was looking for someone as I pranced, my best friend, I had wonderful news to tell him.

His name was Scott Nelson, he was tall and lanky and very musical. We had been friends since before preschool and had lived close by each other since I first moved here sixteen years ago. He had been down lately, not very talkative, and I planned to cheer him up with the news I had.

“Hey Emmaleigh!” Called my friend Lindzee. “Have you seen Scott?”

I shook my head. “No, but I need to talk to him, so, if you see him tell him to come find me!”

I was an unusual girl; I’m not going to deny it. I wore anything I wanted and didn’t care what other people thought of my appearance. For example, today I was wearing a bright orange tank top with a torn black cap sleeve over it, my jeans were short shorts and I wore two different colors of knee socks; one black and white stripes, the other blue and green stripes. My shoes were black flats with orange dots on them. I also had my guitar that I took everywhere with me and completed my image with its silver coating splattered with neon paint.

The halls were growing more and more crowded by the second. There was still twenty minutes till school officially started. The office was calling random students down routinely for various reasons and people were making their reunion from the weekend. One announcement caught my attention.

“We need all faculty and staff and Miss Emmaleigh Kauffman down to the office. All faculty, staff, and Miss Emmaleigh Kauffman” I looked around, I was undoubtedly the only Emmaleigh Kauffman in the school, but still, why would I need to go to the office?

I turned around, towards the direction of the office, and slowly walked there. I really had no time for this, I needed to find Scott and tell him about the gig I got us in downtown in a local Artist’s Pub. Once I got there, several of the teachers were talking in low, shaky whispers to one another. Some glanced at me and I could see tears staining their eyes. One of the history teachers blew their nose loudly into a handkerchief. I cringed away reflexively.

“Emmaleigh” said Officer Wall, the school’s main cop. “Emmaleigh… I… I’m sorry…” I could see tear marks on his usually bright face, now pale through and through.

“What is it Officer Wall?” I asked nervously, shuffling my feet.

“Well…” he took a step towards me cautiously. In his hands was an envelope. Hands shaking, he stuck it out to me. “I’m so very sorry Emmaleigh….”

I took the envelope and eventually tore my eyes away from Officer Wall’s horror struck face to look at what he had given me. It was a simple long white envelope with a large black handprint on it and scrawled across the handprint in silver lettering was unmistakable handwriting that said my name. I ripped open the seam and pulled out a paper. It had more handprints on it in the black ink and a message written in the silver ink.


Emmaleigh,
Goodnight loving star shine, I pray you sleep tight. You’ll wake up with a smile, I’m sorry, so terribly sorry, that I’ll make it a frown… I always love to see you smile… I hope you never forget, as I bathe in my blood, that I love you very dearly Emmaleigh. No one but me will know what the silencing bang will mean tonight, but know that I have always loved you. You were always there, when other spat upon my failing efforts to rise up. You’re the only one who ever cared enough to be any kind of true friend, my love… I’m going to what I’ve heard is a better place, with fluffy clouds and lots of music. I’ll love you forever, through rain and sunshine… yes, forever… forever and a couple of days! Please don’t follow me, dear Emmaleigh, it’s not your time, but I’m making it mine. When ever you fear, of the world’s in-hounding presence, remember I’m watching over you, every millisecond of the day I’ll be there. I’m your guardian angel now, to return the favor of being mine while I take my life…
I love you Emmaleigh… Emmaleigh… I can’t stop saying your name over and over, the prettiest name ever… Emmaleigh… I miss you already… I love you…
Love Forever,
Scott.
P.S. …don’t come looking for me…


I read over the words several times, it didn’t make sense. The handwriting was obviously his, anyone could have seen that, but the words couldn’t be his! I looked up at Officer Wall, now staring at me with intent eyes that were flooding with tears. He reached out to touch me to make sure I was okay, but I stepped back away from him.

“Emmaleigh?” he asked carefully. “Emmaleigh, I’m sorry…”

“No…” I said my own voice shaky. “No. No. No!” I sounded like a little kid refusing a bath as I turned abruptly and started running towards the office door, past the blubbering teachers.

“Emmaleigh!” Called several of the people, reaching out to me with desperate arms in need of squeezing some reality into me with hugs.

“Stay away from me!” I screamed at them. I ran through A hall, B hall, C hall, and eventually wound up in the music and art hallway, deserted as always. The letter was clutched in my fist, paper wrinkling, as tears screamed their own song down my face. It wasn't true—couldn’t be true! Not in a million years! I dashed over to the nearest corner and sank into it. I curled yup into a ball and started to really sob. My head spun as I buried it into my knees that were bound tightly by my arms. “He’s not… not…” I couldn’t utter the word that seemed to be everywhere around me, glaring down at me with horrific clarity.

My mind went blank as I tried desperately to think of the last things I had said to scoot, the way I had said it, what we were doing—anything! But nothing came to my melting mind. Not in the least. I threw my head up in frustration and hit the locker behind me with a loud bang! I oddly didn’t feel pain, just a numbness that was creeping slowly into my head with every breath I took.

“Attention all students.” Officer Wall’s sorrowful voice came on over the intercom. I put my hands over my ears, but I could still hear him start talking. “I’m sorry to report that your fellow student, Scott Nelson, has committed—“

I started singing loudly at the top of my lungs the first song that came to mind, the same one I had listened to on the bus that morning. “Nah nah nah nah na nah nahhh! I wanna start a fight! Nah nah nah nah na nah nahhh! I WANNA START A FIGHT! So, so what?! I’m still a rock star!” the song by P!nk blasted through my body as my throat protested against the wail.

I sang the whole song before I dared to let my hands shakily relax over my ears. My hands shook as I removed them hesitantly. The letter was on the ground in front of me, staring at me with its presence as if searching my mind for the right memory. Then it came. Two nights ago, I had been hanging out at the park with a bunch of people form school. Scott one of them.

Scott took my guitar from me and started to play his absolutely favorite song, ‘Pork and Beans’ by Weezer. He sang out loud to it and I began to jam along with harmonies and flailing on my imaginary drum set.

“Hey Scott! Who sings that?!” called one of the boys that were in the large group of jocks.

“Weezer” Scott responded in one of the breaks.

“Ya? Well let them sing it!” the football players around the kid started laughing hysterically as Scott’s face flushed a beep angry red. Normally, he would have just smiled and laughed along, but he slammed his fists on my guitar and the jocks started laughing louder and making crude remarks.

“Scott, don’t listen to them” I encouraged.

“I’m sick of this Emmaleigh” he whispered harshly. “I don’t have any talents like you do, sure I can play the piano and the guitar, but no one even cares anymore! Not my family, not peers, no one!”

“Scott… I care!”I looked at him, slightly hurt. “Please don’t act this way”

He sighed long and painfully. “I know you care Emmaleigh… I’m going home, I’ll catch you later.”

“Oh, okay.” I responded, slightly confused. “But don’t do anything stupid without me!” I giggled at the inside joke between us.

“I’ll try not to…” he said without any hint of laughter in his voice.

My eyes welled with tears again. Don’t do anything stupid without me. Those were my last, final, uttered words I had said to Scott, the last time I saw him, the last time had to say a goodbye… and I made a stupid comment instead…

Don’t do anything stupid without me…

Don’t do anything stupid…

Stupid…

Stupid…

Stupid…

The words shot through my head like silver bullets puncturing its victim’s chest. I stood immediately and ran out of the closest double doors. I dashed down streets, not knowing exactly where I was headed till I was on his street. I sprinted up the walk of his house, jumping over a bicycle that lay a strewn in the middle of it. I didn’t take notice to the ambulance or police cars that were flashing their lights all around the house. I started banging desperately on the door.

“Scott! Scott! Answer the door! Scott! It’s Emmaleigh! Please! Answer the door!” my fist became numb against the cold wood. When it finally did swing open to a shocked police officer, I continued to slam my fist in the air, all the while screaming through my sobs. “Scott! Answer the door! Scott!!!” I couldn’t breathe as the officer tried to talk to me.

“Miss!” he said sternly and slightly worried about what was wrong with me. “Miss, please!”

“SCOTT!” I elbowed my way into the house past the police officer. I knew the layout by heart and didn’t need my eyes clear of tears to be able to see where I was running. I glanced in to see lots of people in the kitchen. I caught a glimpse of something red on the wall as I rounded the corner to go to his room—splatters of red. I screeched and ran up the stairs.

“Emmaleigh?! Officer Wall’s voice called after me. His footsteps pounded behind me.

“Scott!” I called through the halls upstairs. “Scott, stop playing this game! Where are you?!” I cried as I burst through the door to his room. “Scott?!”

His room was exactly like it always was, dirty clothes and CD’s were scattered in every place imaginable. The room had an ominous, cold feeling that sent crawling chills down every inch of my body. I crumpled to my knees amongst his attire and hugged myself to make up for his absence. “Emmaleigh!” Officer Wall exclaimed as he also reached the room. I ignored him.

“Scott… Scott… Where are you…? Scott… Scott…” I whispered to myself, I was slowly falling into a world where only his name mattered, nothing more. “Scott…”

“Oh Emmaleigh” Officer Wall said in a soothing voice, he hesitated a moment then knelt down and wrapped my in a hug. “I’m so sorry Emmaleigh…”

“He’s not gone” I assured myself more then him. “He’s just hiding… he would never leave me… never… never…”

**********

I hummed a tune that was prodding my mind as I hit some chords to match it. I didn’t have any lyrics for it quite yet, but Scott would no doubt think of some tomorrow. He always did. A silver Shelby pulled into the driveway and my mom and dad got out of the car. The both stopped at the sight of me singing happily on the front porch.

Dad had a confused look on his face and mom looked pained. “Hey mom! Hey dad!” I called to them. “How was your day?” I always asked this question to them when they came home form somewhere. I was an only child, an accident child, but still the love of their life.

“Eh… It was… Fine Emmaleigh… umm… how was yours?” dad asked hesitantly. He walked up to me and grabbed my bag and unlocked the front door.

“It was pretty fun” I mused. “Only Scott’s pissing me off! He’s decided to play this stupid hide and seek game and its very frustrating!” I smiled and followed dad into the house; he kept glancing back at me nervously.

“I guess that’s good to head” he said. He took my guitar and set it delicately on the stairs then turned to me. “Emmaleigh, are you sure your alright?”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Of course! Why wouldn’t I be?” I walked to the kitchen and jumped up onto the island counter to sit. “So, what's for dinner?”

My parents exchanged a long look and then mom finally spoke. “What would you like to eat honey?”

“Anything?” I prodded, testing them.

“Yes, we can have anything that you would like for dinner.” Mom gushed.

I thought for a moment, bringing up my index finger to my mouth while thinking. “How bout… Ben and Jerry’s ice cream and animal crackers?”

“No problem-o!” dad exclaimed, “I’ll go to the store right now to get some.”

My mom gave him a look as if saying ‘don’t leave me alone’. But he was out the door after a swift kiss and whispered “good luck”

Mom stared at me for moment. Then came and sat next to me. We were almost an exact duplicate of each other, besides the fact that I was very free spirited; I got it from my dad.

“Honey, you don’t have to put on a show in front of us…” mom grabbed my hand. “Tammy called us today…” when she mentioned Scott’s mom’s name, I shifted happily.

“Oh! So did they find him?!” I asked excitedly. “It’s about time! I wonder how much trouble he’s in.”

Mom stared at me with amazement. “Oh, honey! Come here!” she wrapped me in an embrace, “I can’t imagine how hard this is for you…” tears streamed down the woman’s face. “Emmaleigh… he’s gone…” she whispered in a shaky voice.

I laughed at her. “Mom, don’t be ridiculous! Scott would never leave me.” I let go of her and wiped the tears off her face with my shirt sleeve. “Now, now mom. He’ll be back, I know he will.”

The time slipped away quickly, dad was back from the store with dinner in the plastic bags from Wal*Mart. “well, lets chow!”

We sat around the table in silence; I wondered why my parents were being so quiet. Dad finally spoke after shoving a huge spoonful of Americone Dream into his mouth. “So, Emmaleigh… what did you actually do at school today?”

“I ditched classes” I said casually “and when Scott’s done with his little hide and seek game, I have to tell him about this new gig I got us, its going to make us so big that we’ll be stalked by little twelve year old girls!” I chomped down happily on a handful of crackers and looked at my dad’s dace. “Dad what's wrong?”

“Emmaleigh” he said with sure authority and not a hint of falter. “Scott is dead.”

I didn’t know what happened, one second I was sitting, staring at dad; the next flashbacks zoomed through my head.

Don’t do anything stupid without me

Bathe in my blood

Don’t do anything stupid

Silencing bang

Stupid

Splatter of blood in the kitchen

Stupid

Stupid

Stupid

“Emmaleigh” dad said, standing at the same time I pushed my chair back with a loud clatter and ran from the room. I ran upstairs and locked myself in the bedroom. I scrambled through my bag and found the note Scott had written me. I opened my cell that was sitting on the nightstand and waited till it turned on.

I dialed the number quickly, I was confused, and I didn’t know what was happening. “He’s not dead. I know he isn’t. if he was then he wouldn’t answer his phone.” I spoke to myself, not very assuring.

I pressed the phone to my ear and listened to it ring; once, twice, three times until there was an annoying beep.

“Hi, you’ve reached the amazing Scott’s phone! Leave your name, age and color of shirt you’re wearing after the beep! Bye!”

I hung up and pressed redial. “Hi, you’ve reached the amazing Scott’s phone! Leave you’re name, age and color of shirt you’re wearing after the beep! Bye!”

“No!” I spat harshly. “He’s not gone!”

“Hi, you’ve reached the amazing Scott’s phone! Leave your name, age and color of shirt you’re wearing after the beep! Bye!”

I walked to my window seal, opened the window, and popped out the screen like I had too many times before. I sat on the roof facing the street and the front yard and dialed Scott’s number yet again.

“Hi, you’ve reached the amazing Scott’s phone! Leave your name, age and color of shirt you’re wearing after the beep! Bye!”

“Hi, you’ve reached the amazing Scott’s phone! Leave your name, age and color of shirt you’re wearing after the beep! Bye!”

“Hi, you’ve reached the amazing Scott’s phone! Leave your name, age and color of shirt you’re wearing after the beep! Bye!”

*********

Funerals. I hated all of them, so dull and anti-climatic. But especially this one I could not bare to endure. As I sat on the very last row of the church building, I listened without any intent to the service as it progressed.

“And now we will have a special musical number written by of Scott’s closest friends and presented by another friend of his…” said the priest before he reverently turned and sat back down behind the pulpit.

I heard my friend start to sing the song I had written in memory of Scott, but couldn’t muster the guts to actually sing it myself.

“Now that you’re done,
And now that you’re gone,
I cant look inside my mind to find you.
You seem so far,
You left me scars,
And you’re gone forever, now you’re only a letter.
I never got the time
I never had the place
To tell you I love you to your beautiful face.
My hearts aches so much
I miss you so much,
I’ll just try to live without you…”

The song was long and hurtful to no one but myself as I cried through my own lyrics as if they were written by Scott himself. I felt him near, but so very far away… never close enough…

Someone sat next to me softly. I didn’t look up to see, I already knew it was dad. He rubbed my back soothingly. I sobbed into my hands and laid down on his lap, I didn’t want to watch the rest of the session. It was a closed casket funeral… I didn’t even get to see Scott one last time… I didn’t wear the usual black that everyone else was clothed in. my shirt was a dark green, Scott’s favorite color, and my skirt was one Scott had told me I could never wear in public, but did anyways just to make him mad. It was pieces of random fabric hand stitched together in different yarns and threads.

When the time came, I let my dad pull me up and lead me out to the procession of cars waiting behind a hearse to go to the cemetery. I got in my parents car, the third one in line, and sat silently next to dad as we drove down the street.

I stood in front of the casket first, holding in my hand a single black rose. I set if down carefully on the black wood and stepped back on the damp grass. For a long moment I stared at it, not believing that Scott was really in there about to be buried six feet under. I turned and walked away slowly as other people placed red roses on top of my black one.

I sighed deeply; I knew it was going to be a hard day. Who wouldn’t have a hard day attending their love’s funeral? But… it was going to be even harder having to live without him forever…

[Moushka]

Your avatar sais it all ........God bless Scott.......