Shadow and Limerick -1st Children's book attempt-

[Asher]

It stinks right now, it's a very rough 1st draft, but have faith. This is my first go at writing for children, so I had to go down in vocabulary, content, and so on and so forth. I don't know what I think about it, but I am going to work like heck on eventually. It's a working process I know, just any tips and critiquing would help greatly.





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The wall was painted with shadows. Two of the shadows were shaped like a person. But they were really only from the branch outside the window
-
Two children belonged to the room, Maverick, or Mav, and his little sister Annabelle. The both of them, together, enjoy the time naming the shadows as though the shadows themselves were children. As a matter of fact, all the shadows of the house hand their own specific names, but these two were named Nele and Finn. They weren’t the most creative of names, but they brought into the shadows, happiness also brought some personality to them..
-
All the shadows seemed to have a story to tell. This had inspired the many of stories that Mav had written throughout his twelve years.
-
He had always loved to write and Annabelle always loved to read what he had to write.
-
Father was much too sick to be able to read the stories. Mother would just nod and say not to bother him. The bed was colorfully quilted with warmth and the chair was filled with mother. It was quite like a beautiful painting.
-
The children often wished for their father to be cured of his sickness and smile again. His smile is fading.
-
Mav and Annabelle didn’t mind, they would sit in their bedroom writing, and reading, till the sky was golden and the clouds were red. They would dream, as the stories grew in their heads, that one day they’d be made into plays for the entire world to see.
--
A creaking sound heard from across the hall to the attic door. Mav dared to not open it because he feared that there would be a great monster on the other side. Also because he felt his parents would not permit him to do so. All that he knew was that the day would come; when he takes a step up the stairs he imagines being beautiful wood. And he would meet a whole new world of shadows
-
The days grew colder and father grew sicker. He developed rosy cheeks, just like that of Saint Nicholas’

He did start laughing again, which brought a smile to everyone’s face.
-
Mama opened the bedroom door and walked herself in. She had come in to say goodnight.
-
Mav, without hesitation asked, “What do you suppose, is in the old attic?”
-
Mother thought about the question for a moment and then answered, “Your father had mentioned that it was his very own terre rêveuse, which in English means dream land.”
-
Mama then kissed both children and then went on her way.
-
As they all lay quietly in their beds, all of them closed their eyes and went along their ways to their own Dreamlands. The young and the old both experience the magic of it.
-
Certain eyes, at some point in time, desire more than just those few moments in their terre rêveuse they feel it time to spend more than just those moments in the land.
-
A shower of spring fell from the heavens where many rest peacefully tonight.
-
Mav, along with his mother and sister, dressed in elegant black suit and gowns. Their eyes were flushed with red and tear.
-
Papa, passed away into his own terre rêveuse while in his sleep.
-
Mav stole up the stairs when no one was looking and went to the attic door. He feared the monsters or the shadows that lie behind it.
-
When the door opened, there was a long beautiful stairway that led to the room. When Mav made it into the room his was surprised at the bareness of it. Resting along the walls was a large family of shadows. Mav did not wish to name each of them; he just walked his way to a heavy chest that lies right in front of a large wooden column.
-
Mav opened the chest. It was full of drawings, all signed with his father’s French name; dozens of poems and limericks (Mav’s favorite type of writing), and plenty of stories. A small tear fell down Mav’s eyes as he read the little s tales involving the shadows of the room. Father must have loved the shadows as well as Mav and his sister did, and, they all had names.
-
Mav cautiously closed the chest and stole down the stars to his room. He took out the small cigar box from under his bed and hurried up the stairs. He went to the chest and knelt down beside it. Pulling out the first of the folded papers in his box, which was a story about the shadow family in his room, he wrote with the pen his father, gave him
‘To Papa, With Love’



The End

[Asher]

I know it may be terrible, but couldn't someone share their thoughts.

[ninian]

Asher - I admit I peeked at this last night, but as it was the last day of school before spring break, and I said goodbye for a week to 25 sixth grade students, I was celebrating in a way that made focusing on someone's writing impossible

I'd be more than happy to read this and give you thoughts, do you want a full blown critique or merely impressions?

Ninian

[Asher]

full blown, sure! just keep in mind that I haven't editted it yet, this is the first draft like a mentioned, it isn't what I'd call finished. but yes, I want strong criticism not necessarly harsh.

[ninian]

full blown, sure! just keep in mind that I haven't editted it yet, this is the first draft like a mentioned, it isn't what I'd call finished. but yes, I want strong criticism not necessarly harsh.

Asher, I've been accused of many things, but never of being harsh

This is my first go at writing for children, so I had to go down in vocabulary, content, and so on and so forth.

First, I'd be concerned at this comment. As a parent, a teacher, and a writer of fiction for children, I don't believe in "dumbing it down." Write the story the way it needs to be written, if the story is good, children will rise to the level of the vocabulary and content.

In every story, even a picture book, you want the elements of story in place. So you need to consider your plot, which consists of the introduction, the rising action, the climax, the falling action and the denoument; you need to have your conflict; you need to fully develop your characters; you need to decide on your point of view; and finally ensure your theme is fully developed.

So, what is the focus of your story? Is it that the children retreat into a dreamland because of their father's illness and eventual death? Is it the connection between Mav and his father? The main idea of the story is somewhat unclear.

While I am aware that this is a first draft, before looking for critique you should go through a draft correct spelling/usage and grammatical errors. Those are things that will stop editors from reading your work. You have some typos and some sentence fragments. I will point them out for you - I know it is way easier to see someone else's typo than it is to see your own - but don't take it personally, I'm just providing information :)

One other overall point. Your verb tense jumps from past tense to present tense throughout. You'll need to make this consistent or the story won't flow properly.

Now to a look at the words :) Commentary follows the quoted passage.

The wall was painted with shadows. Two of the shadows were shaped like a person. But they were really only from the branch outside the window

The third sentence is a fragment. I also find it a bit confusing here: really only from the branch. Perhaps this would work better: Two of the shadows were shaped like a person, but they were really only the shadows of the branch outside the window.

Two children belonged to the room, Maverick, or Mav, and his little sister Annabelle.

I like this line, that the children belonged to the room, it made me smile.

The both of them, together, enjoy the time naming the shadows as though the shadows themselves were children.

There is some redundancy in this sentence. There is too much of the same verbiage at the beginning and in the middle of the sentence I'm not clear what you are saying. You might try cutting something like: They both enjoyed naming the shadows as if they were also children.

I *think* this is the idea you are trying to convey, but "enjoy the time naming the shadows" is very unclear.

As a matter of fact, all the shadows of the house hand their own specific names, but these two were named Nele and Finn.

(hand should be had, yes?) You name these two shadows specifically, but they do not appear later in the story. Either make use of the fact that you've made a point of naming these shadows, or cut this passage. :)

I'm a little unclear as to which "two" shadows these are...no wait, I scrolled back and I guess you mean the two mentioned that are part of the tree branches?

They weren’t the most creative of names, but they brought into the shadows, happiness also brought some personality to them..

Something is missing in this sentence and I can't figure out what, I just know that I don't know what you mean to say here. Reread it and see if it is as clear as you want it to be.

All the shadows seemed to have a story to tell. This had inspired the many of stories that Mav had written throughout his twelve years.

Intriguing premise. I like the idea that the shadows inspired him to write.

He had always loved to write and Annabelle always loved to read what he had to write.

Ask yourself "what is the purpose of these lines? Do they move the story forward at all?" You could easily combine with the previous lines ...throughout his twelve years. Annabelle had always loved reading what Mav had written. Again, watch your verb tenses, you have both past and present here.

Father was much too sick to be able to read the stories. Mother would just nod and say not to bother him. The bed was colorfully quilted with warmth and the chair was filled with mother. It was quite like a beautiful painting.

Quite an abrupt shift in the story here. You may want to rework the image of mother, "the chair was filled with mother" makes her sound awfully large. I do like the idea that it was like a beautiful painting, but show us how it was like one, don't tell us that it was like one.

The children often wished for their father to be cured of his sickness and smile again. His smile is fading.

Again, verb tenses. "His smile was fading."

Mav and Annabelle didn’t mind, they would sit in their bedroom writing, and reading, till the sky was golden and the clouds were red.

I get what you are trying to convey, however, I don't think "Mav and Annabelle didn't mind" is exactly how you want to convey their feelings. I'm sure they minded that their father was likely dying, you may want to find another way to say this.

They would dream, as the stories grew in their heads, that one day they’d be made into plays for the entire world to see.

Nice image here.

A creaking sound heard from across the hall to the attic door.

Sentence fragment and a little confusing. Should it be A creaking sound was heard from across the hall at the attic door. "to the attic door" didn't make sense to me.

Mav dared to not open it because he feared that there would be a great monster on the other side. Also because he felt his parents would not permit him to do so. All that he knew was that the day would come; when he takes a step up the stairs he imagines being beautiful wood. And he would meet a whole new world of shadows

Reread this part, the verb tenses are jumping and making thes passage confusing.
-

The days grew colder and father grew sicker. He developed rosy cheeks, just like that of Saint Nicholas’

hmmm I don't think I'd use Saint Nicholas as a simile for a dying man's appearance. This is a sacred figure in the annals of children's literature and not quite what you need here. Find another way to show that he is very ill.

He did start laughing again, which brought a smile to everyone’s face.

So then, is the father dying? This is confusing. He's very ill, red faced, but laughing?

[quote="Asher']Mama opened the bedroom door and walked herself in. She had come in to say goodnight. [/quote]

Reread this passage and see if it sound right to you. Again, check your verb tenses.

Mav, without hesitation asked, “What do you suppose, is in the old attic?”

Wouldn't Mav just ask "what is in the attic?" Wouldn't Mother know what is in the attic of the house they are living in? Is "old" necessary? One would presume the attic is the same age as the house, yes?

Mother thought about the question for a moment and then answered, “Your father had mentioned that it was his very own terre rêveuse, which in English means dream land.”

Forgive the question but did you get terre rêveuse from an online translator? I've not heard that term used before, but in my neck of the woods, the French for dreamland would be pays des merveilles or "country of wonders."

Mama then kissed both children and then went on her way.
-
As they all lay quietly in their beds, all of them closed their eyes and went along their ways to their own Dreamlands. The young and the old both experience the magic of it.

Reread this paragraph. "As they all..." and "all of them..." redundant. The final sentence in the paragraph doesn't scan well, and is in the wrong verb tense.

Certain eyes, at some point in time, desire more than just those few moments in their terre rêveuse they feel it time to spend more than just those moments in the land.

I do understand what you want to convey here, but the structure of your sentence is a bit confusing. I think this might work better as two sentences.

A shower of spring fell from the heavens where many rest peacefully tonight.

Very poetic. What is the purpose of this line? Does it advance the story?

Mav, along with his mother and sister, dressed in elegant black suit and gowns. Their eyes were flushed with red and tear.

The first fragment reads like a photograph caption, it has no verb, no action, what is happening? The second, unclear. "flushed with red and tear" - I presume that you mean they've been crying?

Papa, passed away into his own terre rêveuse while in his sleep.

Mav stole up the stairs when no one was looking and went to the attic door. He feared the monsters or the shadows that lie behind it.

When the door opened, there was a long beautiful stairway that led to the room. When Mav made it into the room his was surprised at the bareness of it. Resting along the walls was a large family of shadows. Mav did not wish to name each of them; he just walked his way to a heavy chest that lies right in front of a large wooden column.

In this passage, the verb tenses change - it makes for confusing action in the story. Reread it and adjust them.

Mav opened the chest. It was full of drawings, all signed with his father’s French name; dozens of poems and limericks (Mav’s favorite type of writing), and plenty of stories. A small tear fell down Mav’s eyes as he read the little s tales involving the shadows of the room. Father must have loved the shadows as well as Mav and his sister did, and, they all had names.

Nice connection between Mav and his father. Typo in the midst of the third sentence.

Mav cautiously closed the chest and stole down the stars to his room. He took out the small cigar box from under his bed and hurried up the stairs. He went to the chest and knelt down beside it. Pulling out the first of the folded papers in his box, which was a story about the shadow family in his room, he wrote with the pen his father, gave him
‘To Papa, With Love’



The End

nice ending, giving his now dead father the story.

I realise this is likely a picture book and you have pictures in your head for each of the scenes.

If you are serious about publication, editors prefer to receive only text for picture books, even if you want to illustrate yourself, it is rare that an unpublished author would be able to illustrate his or her own picture book. As a result your story has to be able to stand on the words alone without relying on the pictures to tell the story.

The last picture book I wrote, I wrote complete back stories for each of the characters, just to develop their personality to the point that I could write a short piece of fiction involving them. I generate reams of paper about my characters and plot before I even start the story that ends up in a 10-15 page picture book.

I trust that you take my critique in the spirit that it is given, that of assisting you to develop your craft and hone your words to the best of your ability.

Keep working on this piece, I look forward to reading future drafts.

Ninian

[Asher]

I'll get to that ASAP, I'm pretty busy at the time, thanks so much for your critique I will keep it "all" in mind when I edit it.

[heinzs]