That Special Place!

[slowelk]

I thought I was gonna drown...
Sunrise had been spectacular from my back porch. No early morning noisy traffic to drown out the songs the birds were singing. The sun came peeking over the horizon, just hinting at what a beautiful day that was on its way. Last nights storm clouds parted and bowed to the star of todays new beginning.
For a moment, nothing was moving, no wind, no leaves blowing, the choir of birds even paused, leaving me a picture perfect memory. The kind of memory that lasts a lifetime and somehow has a soothing effect when you look back at it.
I wondered why I hadn't seen mornings like this before now. I've lived here for a couple of years, then I knew. Multi-tasking bitch of a life I had been living. I hadn't slowed down for anything or anybody since I moved here.
Suddenly, a scene from my mind that I had imagined and made perfect was flooding my senses.
I thought I was gonna freeze...
The wreck had pinned me behind the wheel. The other car had overturned into a snow filled ditch, no one had come out of that car. My engine was in the front seat with me. One of my legs felt as though someone was poking it with a knife every five seconds and I couldn't feel the other one. I wanted a cigarette bad. They had been on the dash. Glad I couldn't see them, that would have only made it worse not being able to move to get one.
Damn, I've been here a long time! Blood was drying on my face that had dripped from the cut on my head. The pain was too much, I had to divert my mind somehow. I had to block out this whole scene. I was starting to panic.
Where in the hell is a cop when you really need one? Why hasn't anybody drove by? Dear Jesus I wish I had some demoral. It was so cold I could blow smoke rings with the cold air. I had to get my mind off the pain and cold, maybe if I could go to sleep?
Closing my eyes, I saw this hillside covered with huge oak trees. There was a stream winding its way down the hill and across this field. Cottonwood trees lined the creek, except for this one really huge oak. A majestic tree, with limbs going every which way, reaching up to the sky in praise.
What a great place for a picnic, I thought. And there she was...wearing a long, white, cotton dress sitting on a hand made quilt under that big shade tree by the creek. I hadn't thought about her for I don't know how long. My very first girl friend. We had dated from the seventh grade through our senior year, not exactly puppy love, we were in love.
She was motioning me to come and sit down. I walked closer as she smiled at me and open the picnic basket. I could smell the fried chicken. I could hear the bubbling sound of the water as it gently rolled down the creek. I was thinking that she hadn't changed at all, always thought she was way to pretty to be dating me. As I sat down, she leaned over and kissed me.
I was in heaven...to be continued

[slowelk]

What a serene place, it had that soothing effect you so rarely find in anything, but are always looking for. The colors were like those old movies, as though someone had painted them on.
We ate, we laughed, we laid back watching a hawk, in the distance, soaring effortlessly and carefree. She put her arm around me, touching my shoulder...
Can you hear me? The highway patrolman was nudging my shoulder to see if I was alive or not. He was as shocked as I was when I opened my eyes. She was gone...
That was almost a year ago. The settlement from the wreck, after my medical, had left me a tidy sum. I decided to reward myself for all the pain and bullshit I had gone through. Since I lived on the coast, it was a no-brainer on what I was going to buy. And today, me and my twenty-five footer are going to have fun.
The storm had come up so quickly I couldn't out run it. I was in the water before I knew it. Watching my boat sink, I couldn't help but think what a wicked hand fate had dealt me. If I hadn't been in that car wreck and got that settlement, I would never have bought the boat that has just left me alone and about to die.
I grew up a river rat, always playing and swim'en in the Arkansas. But it was never this cold and never this far to the bank. I couldn't concentrate hard enough to get my mind to that special place and keep swiming. I have to rest, maybe I can float for awhile. Turning over on my back, I took a deep breath and...
She was under that tree, there was the basket, she was dressed the same and I'm sitting next to her. We're kissing, I feel great...
I was rescued after being in the water for over two hours. The Coast Guard is probably still trying to figure out how my vitals were normal.
I had to find her. This old sweetheart that had thrown me that mental life line. Saving my life twice has to mean something. My mind danced at the thought of maybe getting back together after all this time.
There were endless dead-ends I run into. I didn't even know if she had the same last name, or if married and then what? Damn-it I thought you could find anything on the all-knowing internet. Days turned into weeks and still nothing, finally I gave up. If it was meant for us to get back together fate would surely serve us. But fate hadn't been very nice to me, or had it?
You know when you give up trying so hard sometimes things just work out. That's what I thought when I answered the phone. The man ask me if I knew her, gotta love fate! Yep, I sure do, who are you? He said he was her son and that he had found some love letters from me to his mom, dating back to her high school years. Excited and laughing, I ask if she was there or could I get ahold of her.
No...she died a little over a year ago. I'm just know going through her belongings and found your letters. I thought since you were close to her at that time you could tell me what she was like as a teenager.
I told him a few stories and politely thanked him for taking the time to call me and what a wonderful person his mother was. It was over, she was dead, I could never tell her thank you for saving my life. I could never tell her I had always loved her. Shaking my head as tears rolled down my cheeks, I closed my eyes and...
She was motioning me to come and sit down.

*************************************

It has been months since I received that phone call from her son. My fantasy life seems to be taking over, dominating any reality that I try to be part of. She is constantly dancing in the shadows of my mind, seducing me, luring me into her world, my world. She is so beautiful, I can't refuse her, I can't refuse myself the pleasure of being with her.
It was gradual at first. I had always had trouble getting to sleep and getting restful sleep, let alone enough sleep. Lying in bed trying to go to sleep, she started being there, beckoning me to come and be with her. Wonderful, vivid dreams and the best, most restful sleep I have ever had. I would awake feeling on top of the world.
Those were the days of high productivity and great originality. My energy level skyrocketed, I left no task unfinished. I felt great! I started socializing again, going to party's and out to eat with friends. I was really happy and people enjoyed my company. I did'nt dwell on the negative like I used to. And I was'nt interjecting into every conversation my past accidents, for that matter, I was'nt talking about anything from my past. Today and tomorrow, with a smile on my face, was the topics of what I had to say to anyone and everyone.
I was the single guy in a group of friends that did'nt realize, I did'nt need a date. So, Bill and Mary, decided to fix me up with one of Mary's co-workers. Bill worked in advertising and Mary worked part time in city government. They lived next door for the past year or so.
Mary was a people person for sure. She would have those kind of ladies parties in the afternoon. Bill had told me about them saying his living room smelled like a gentleman's club after one of her get togethers, you know, cheap perfume and cigarettes and booze.
Mary bless her heart, had picked Susan as my dinner partner one night not to long ago. Without asking me, of course. It was one of those, Oh! by the way, I ask a friend of mine to join us tonight.
Susan was nice looking, not a drop dead'er for sure. She was'nt tall or short. Neither was she large or small. I guess average looking? One thing for certain though, she had the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen.

Have much more but my times up! Only get limited use at the library. Till next time.....

*********************************************

Every time she closed her eyes it was like she was undressing. She had plenty of sparkle in those blue pools, too. Which to me, means that there's plenty of life left in her. As we all began to chit chat around the table I noticed she was quite reserved, almost embarrassed, it seemed. I didn't know if she was bashful or disappointed, so I thought a little humor might tell whether she wanted to be here, or not. When I got a chance I said," Bill, Mary, there's something I've been meaning to tell you and I guess now is a good a time as any...I appreciate Susan as a dinner companion but......I'm gay".
I thought Mary's teeth were gonna fall out and Bill spilled his water all over the table. Before I could say anything else Susan said," that's great, so am I".
Boy, did that catch me off guard! I shot a look at her and saw that little sparkle in her eyes, we both started laughing our ass's off. Leaving Bill and Mary both, gapped mouthed and bug-eyed. As the waitress was cleaning up Bills mess we both explained we were just kikking. You could see the relief on Bill and Marys faces. Susan was my kind of people, fun, joking, and not at all bashful. We exchanged telephone numbers that night and started a great friendship. We would talk almost every day and go out together at least once or twice a week. As our frienship developed I started having day dreams of the special place. I didn't think much about it at first. Then, it was as though, my dream lover came to life. She was jealous of Susan. This was insane, it had to be me. After all this was just happening in my mind, or was it more real than I could possibly imagine? I was flashing on her at stop signs and stop lights. Even while watching TV, I would find myself thinking, dreaming, being with her. I didn't want to, or did I? No I didn't! But I could not stop it. Susan and I were becoming more than friends, we both, I think, knew it just was a matter of time before we would become intimate. And so did my dream lover. Our intimacy had always been there, but never as vivid and real like as the past few nights. It has been wonderfully disturbing to say the least. I was twelve or thirteen the last time I found evidence of a sexual dream when I woke up, yet there it was the other morning. Maybe that's why I'm thinking about making love to Susan now. Dreams are one thing but physical is so much better. At least I remember it was. Susan had become more and more beautiful every time I saw her. Funny how that happens. But she really did. Her features softened and I guess, I started reacting to her inner beauty. I get lost in her eyes. We have spent a lot of time holding hands and talking and gazing into one anothers eyes. All those unspoken words our eyes have ignored and our subconciouse has picked up on. We're going out for supper and a movie tonight. Maybe she will ask me over to her place afterwards. I could ask her to my place, but it would be so unpressured if she asked me to hers. Maybe she's waiting on me. The first time can be so awkward and tensious. Tonight will be the night, it's Friday, no work for either of us tomorrow and she hasn't mentioned any particular plans. That's it, I can ask her if she would like to go away for the weekend. I could pickk her up early Saturday morning and we could drive down the coast and stay at one of those cozy bed and breakfast places, that would be romantic. What am I thinking? That would be to planned. It would ruin the spontenaity. No, that's something you would suggest on the second or third sexual date. Sexual date, listen to me, I mean she hasn't even agreed to the first time. And if there is a first time, that doesn't assure a second or third. It might be the end of our relationship, I may not be the kind of lover she wants or expects, there's a thousand things that can go wrong. I would say help me Jesus, but for some reason I don't think he helps in matters like these.

to be continued.....

************************************************

Supper went pretty smooth, considering I was pretty nervous about the big proposition I had in mind for later.
Susan had picked one of those kind of movies that I would never have picked. It did have a romantic element to it. I was glad about that, at least the mood might be set.
The movie seemed to be dragging along at a snails pace and even though we were sitting there holding hands, somehow I fell asleep...
And there she was, boy howdy was she there! Lying under that tree with not one stitch of clothes on. It was great...we made passionate, wild love under that tree. Just at that moment, you know THAT MOMENT! I must have called out her name out loud, really loud.
It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't have put one of those OOOOOH's right before it. I guess everyone in the theatre heard me.
Susan had to have known I had fell asleep. If only she had woke me up. She has't to know I was dreaming. Well, I guess it goes without saying what I was dreaming about and with who. Maybe I can just sneak out of this dark theatre without anybody noticing it was me that cried out?
Too late, Susan is already on her feet and walking out. Damn the bad luck! I got up and followed her outside. Why couldn't I have said OOOH BABY? No, hell no, I had to call out her name.
I opened the car door for Susan, she got in. She just sat there not saying a word. I got in and started the car and drove off. With one heavy sigh I said "I'm sorry, I fell asleep and was dreaming. It was just a dream. I know you're mad but please, talk to me."
As Susan began her rant I knew the odds of us getting past this was slim pickens. How long have you known her? Does she know about me? How could you? I thought you were special? I didn't think you were like all those other guys I've dated. Take me home, now!
Heading towards her apartment I struggled with how much truth I should tell Susan when I should have been trying to smooth things over as soon as possible. Well, evidently, she pleases you in a way I never will! Susan please, let me explain.
I told her the whole story, starting at school and the first time I saw her by the creek and the phone call from her son and finally, that the reason that happened in the theatre was because she was jealous and afraid of what might happen between you and me, she might loose me forever.
Well I'll give you this, that is the most original story I have ever heard. But if you think for one minute I'm gonna believe it you must have a pretty low estimate of my intelligence. And if by some remote chance it is the truth... then you better be seeing someone who can help you. I mean really help you! Because that means you have some real mental problems you need to work out. Thanks for what could have been a night...forget it, don't call me, I'll call you, see if you believe that!
We got to her apartment and she was out of the car and heading for her door before I could get out. She didn't even look back at me before going inside her apartment. I must have sit there in her driveway for an hour hoping she would look out her window and come back to the car or invite me in.
Maybe I do have a real problem. Maybe I should talk to someone. A shrink? Me seeing a shrink? No way! I have to do something though. Maybe Susan would feel sorry for me if I did start seeing a shrink. Maybe we could get back together? I'm drowning again, this time in a sea of misery.

*****************************************************

Driving home was slow and lonely. Susan was ready, she said so. This could have been a night I'd never forget. Well. I'll be damned if it isn't. Just not quite the memory I had in mind, though.

I'm not crazy. What's happening is crazy. Susan and I are meant for each other, I just know it. I'm not gonna let a memory destroy us. Hell, it's not even a memory. I mean, nothings really happened to remember.

Don't call me, I'll call you. It would have to be that way. Susan had put call block on my number and out of respect I didn't try calling her from anywhere else. Even though I wanted to. I wanted to talk to her so bad, it hurt.

Mary came by to tell me what a jerk I was. I tried to explain it all to her but I'm afraid it fell on deaf ears. Surprisingly though, she did agree to pass on a message to Susan for me.

Never had to beg for anything in my life before, just not my style or nature. But beg I did. I begged her to forgive me and to give me a chance to make things right and I even agreed to see a shrink if she would help me through this, and to please call me.

It's been two weeks since Mary talked to Susan and no phone call. The real kicker is that I have had not one dream or vivid thought about HER or that special place, since that night in the theatre. I mean, I think about it, but that's all. I just think, no visual, no action, just trying to sort it all out kind of thinking.

Out of all that thinking I came to the conclusion that it made sense to see a doctor, a head doctor. Maybe Susan just wants me to take the first step by myself. And then I'll tell Bill what I'm doing and he'll tell Mary and she'll tell Susan. Sounds like a plan to me!

After seeing the Doc for a month, two times a week, I realized my plan, you know, Best Laid Plans, hadn't worked out like I thought. Mary told Susan I was in therapy now, but still no phone call.

Therapy...what a joke! I have never talked so much in my life. I had no idea it would be like this. I guess I told him my whole life's story and not one single word from him. Today I call Bullshit on this deal. Maybe he'll have something to say about that.

Much to my surprise, when I walked in and sat down, he said he was going to do the talking this session. He said some awfully big words in connection with what he thought was wrong with me. I wanted to understand everything he was saying and was sure as hell gonna ask him as soon as he was through talking. What he said last blew me away. I mean, that's all I remember, now.

He said," I need to go to where SHE is buried and take a long look at the tombstone". That I needed closure on my fantasies about HER. That I needed to see HER closure. That I needed proof of her death so I could go on with my life. Needless to say I totally forgot to ask all those important questions.

What the hell! A trip back to my old home town would be cool, strange, but cool. The next day I was driving into the graveyard, well that's what it is. I stopped at the office and ask where HER plot was and proceded till I came upon her row.

I turned and saw her stone on the corner. I got out of my car, with the flower I had brought to place on her grave, and walked over to read her tombstone. I put the flower on the ground in front of the stone. I slowly raised my head to read and tears started rolling down my cheeks.

The date she died was the same day I had had my car-wreck! The first time she saved my life. I couldn't believe my eyes. I got back in my car and just sat there trying to understand. So much for closure. This just brought everything into a new realm. A realm, I don't think my therapist can cope with. I think I can though. I know what I need to do now.

[heinzs]