As The Nothingness Consumes

[WanderWren]

A tear traces it's track down this face again.
Love searches for a hold inside this dying soul, yet finds none.
As emptiness continues to consume,
eating up all that was before.
Lying in wait for what little pieces remain,
falling away from life itself.
Walls building a fortress none can penetrate.
The Nothingness smiles... It's meal is satisfying...
As this soul perishes leaving only an empty exsisting shell,
the Nothingness divides and spreads itself to devour yet another hurting soul...

[heinzs]

Welcome back Wren.

This one paints a very bleak picture of despair so deep it is at the verge of total numbness. We are not told the actual cause of this despair, so that leaves it up to each reader to fill in that blank for himself.

The format is a bit choppy and disjointed. You're trying to say a lot in short bursts that might actually be stronger if they were shorter yet. Here's a suggestion for a re-write. Remember, I'm not an "expert"... I don't think there is such a thing when it comes to art. Let me know if it captures your intent or if I've managed to misread the original.

Anther tear traces a track down this face
as Love searches for a hold
inside this dying soul, but finds none.
Emptiness consumes all that was...
Pounces on whatever little pieces remain
fallen away from life itself.
Walls create a fortress none can penetrate.
Nothingness smiles... satisfied.
This soul perishes leaving an empty shell.
Nothingness divides and spreads
like an amoeba
to devour yet another pained soul.

I'm not sure the "like an amoeba" helps. It reads fine with that line missing, and I'm also not sure if it feels "ended", or if it should feel that way. I think the point is that this is an ongoing endless process with which the poet is altogether too familiar.

Cheers!

[WanderWren]

Thank you Heinzs. I think I understand where you're going with the critique. However, I don't think I'll change it at this time as this poem is years old and close to my own pain in my own past.
Although it's not just about me or any specific person its about 'The Nothingness' and the process that a person goes through to reach the place where they feel dead and empty inside.
Where they are not really living life any longer but merely existing. It divides and spreads at the end to continue going through other members of the human race, (as an amoeba kind of)
but mostly to show the reader that this is about personifying the nothingness and about each or any person's pain that reaches the point (for whatever reasons) where they feel
empty and dead inside yet their bodies are still alive. I might be willing to change the line where it says 'as emptiness continues to consume' to 'as the Nothingness continues to consume' though to
stay with the continuity of the subject matter.
Again thank you for your critique pops.
~Wren~

[heinzs]

YW. It is the discussion that is cherished and in the end we are both augmented by it. I rarely alter what I have written unless I am personally dissatisfied with the piece, yet I appreciate and value the viewpoints of the readers. Sometimes they see something I hadn't imagined to exist in the poem I posted... lol.

Cheers!

[DarleneG]

Wren, I'm reading you for the first time and hope to read more of your poems. I'm glad you explained that this pain was mostly in the past. I believe there is always hope for the soul. And eternal optimist, I guess. Although I have known the greatest pain a mother can experience!

[Lonnie]

A very passionate and powerful poem!

You have captured much pain here, and the reader can feel it as it seeps out between the well-penned lines of this fine piece! Thank you for sharing this work!

[goldenrod]

Anything that makes me pause and think, i s welcome in my world!