What I feel you are to me!

[Eric]

I remember how we use to talk ... you had helped me with my scare
You showed me that I had some worth ... you had shown me how to care
When I was down and feeling sad ... you found me a light to grasp
I told how you made me feel ... you didnt have to ask
We need to find a way ... to get back that fire that we knew
And all things we did back then ... things we did to make it through
I would not walk this world with out you ... your the reason I still breathe
You are the only reason ... I remove my sword from its own sheathe
My skies have darkend with out you at times .. I need to feel you in my heart
Maybe what I am looking for is a simple heart kick start! :)
I want to surround your images ... I want you to always see me there
When things get tough just look around ... I want to help to make it clear
When your skies open up and starts pouring rain ... please hear and understand
I can make it go away my dear ... with a few waves from my loving hand
I would never let anything come and break our love apart
If you need it hawled away ... trust in me to be your cart
I will do anything, as I feel you know .... just to keep you wrapped in me
Give you all the shade you need ... as I plant for you, a tree
Please do not take this wrong, I know we're doing fine
But sometimes I need to know I am in your heart ... because you are in mine!

© 2012 Eric R. Garcia. All rights reserved http://www.blizzardsofthought.com

[DarleneG]

You have some beautiful lines in there, like "I'll give you all the shade you need. I'll plant you a tree." And, if you need it hauled away, I'll be your cart." But these great lines get lost in your too many rambling sentences. But that is just my opinion. However, I would suggest you edit and shorten this poem. Also you could put some space breaks between some of the lines. Give the reader a chance to pause.

[Eric]

Yes I do agree ... it was a jumbled mess of sorts ...lol ty for your comment and advice! I had redone it a bit ... let me know what you think?

What I feel you are to me!


I remember how we use to talk ... you had helped me with my scare
You showed me that I had some worth ... you had shown me how to care
When I was down and feeling sad ... you gave me a light to grasp
I told how you made me feel ... you didnt have to ask
We need to find a way ... to get back that fire that we knew
And all things we did back then ... things we did to make it through
My skies have darkend with out you at times .. I need to feel you in my heart
Maybe what I am looking for is a simple heart kick start! :)
I want to surround your images ... I want you to always see me there
When things get tough just look around ... I want to help to make it clear
When your skies start pouring rain ... please hear and understand
I can make it go away my love ... with a wave of my own hand
You know that I would do anything .... just to keep you wrapped in me
Give you all the shade you need ... as I plant for you a tree
Please do not take this wrong, I know we're doing fine
But I need to know I am in your heart ... because you are in mine!

[heinzs]

Much tighter indeed, Eric! Without losing what you were going for in the end. That is what a re-write is supposed to do.