Autumn lane

[Sunset]

As a new member I will throw in one poem of mine.
Someone told me proud is grammatically wrong in the manner I used it,
but for now I will just leave it like it is.
Thanks for reading. :)


Autumn lane

While on a bright whimsical wistful noon,
I roam life’s mouldy lawn and behold;
how proud it parades that season of gloom,
when green unfolds in yellowish gold

Sundry flowers entice beauties hither,
that flitter and flutter in innocent play
These lively colours, sweet smells, all wither;
truly incisive this name Autumn lane,

It’s pale pebbled coating contrasting the rot!
Yet last I caught, on the tail of your sigh
a sweet petite tale of love never lost
Never goodbye, though I almost did cry,

as your ghostly ashen vacant complexion,
seemingly mocked your peaceful expression


******
Autumn lane is a cemetery, and I had dubious feelings while there to bury a loved one last summer.
Those places usually look very beautiful, but the thought of what's beneath never escapes me.

[heinzs]

I think this is an interesting sonnet and does express your feelings very well. One problem is the usage of the archaic middle-English "whilst" rather than the simpler "while". A good rule with any poem is to stand in front of a mirror and read it aloud to yourself. Amazing what you may discover in doing that. That's the only issue I find with it... the rest is very passable.

Keep it up...

[Sunset]

Thank you, that's very kind. I modified it, though I still like the the sound of whilst.
My first draft was filled with out dated language, I don't know what my problem is

Sunset

[heinzs]

If you use archaic language then you should use it throughout the piece. Nothing is more jarring than being torn through the centuries just by reading the next line... lol. Unless that is the effect you are shooting for in the first place. Nothing wrong with old words... I use them all the time as well. Somehow cemeteries and archaic language do seem to go together...

The point is, if you prefer the word "whilst", then that is the word you should use. My response is an opinion... there is no political or other "clout" behind it. My opinion counts only in as far as you accept it and appreciate it, but in the end it is YOUR poem, not mine. The poet must please him/herself first and the audience will follow.

Cheers!

[Sunset]

I changed it because what you say makes sence. I guess it becomes hard to spot while rewriting alot of times.
So thank you for pointing that out. :)

It was also my first try at something like a sonnet.

Sunset

[bags123]

I confess,...I'm a lover of archaic language within a poetic context. I know this goes against all grace, and decorum, in modern poetic circles,...but then I've always kind of been a square peg. Very nice Sonnet. I love some of your word choices.

[Sunset]

Thank you. :) I'm not aware of the do's or don'ts in poetry at all actually.


Sunset