Don't have to Bleed

A place for new members to post their poetry so we may get to know them and their poetry better. Caution: may contain mature content or language.
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A place for new members to post their poetry so we may get to know them and their poetry better. NO erotica.
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Eric
A Poet in the Rain
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Don't have to Bleed

Post by Eric » Sun Mar 20, 2011 8:19 am

I have been trying to face, these things in my mind.
I don’t know if I will make it, if I will like what I find.
But I chose to continue, this journey that I am on.
Please don’t forget me, when I’m fi nally done.
You have been here for so long, as I was challenged through my days.
I know that I have hurt you, in many different ways.
Do I seem just as angry, as the day that we first met?
I am no longer trying, to be my only threat.
But I chose to continue, this road that I am on.
Please don’t forget about me, when I’m finally done.
So I'm sitting here just hurting, for all the things that have said,
Sometimes I know you see it, that I wished that was dead
But you stayed right by my side, with much to wish for
You helped me with my life, to even my own score
But I chose to continue, this path that I am on
Please don’t forget about me, finally done
You are all that I live for; you’re all that I need
You have helped me finally see, I no longer have to bleed
You climbed into my soul, you helped me to confess
You made me feel at ease, in a life so full of stress
But I chose to continue, this journey I am on
Please don’t forget about me, when I’m finally done
You have been here for so long, as I was challenged through my days
I know that I have hurt you, in so many diff erent ways
Do I seem just as angry, as the day that we fi rst met?
I am no longer trying, to be my only threat
I know it will end shortly, please don’t miss my call
I made it here because of you; you’re the reason I didn’t fall
But I chose to continue, this journey I am on
Please don’t forget all about me, when I’m finally done.
You have been here for so long, as I was challenged through my days
I know that I have hurt you, in so many diff erent ways
Do I seem, just as angry; as the day that we first met?
I am no longer willing, to be my only threat

© 2011 Eric R. Garcia. All rights reserved
Last edited by Eric on Tue Mar 22, 2011 7:40 pm, edited 2 times in total.
***Poetry Pages Poet of the Month June 2012***
Author Award winning Blizzards of Thought A Book of Reflection March 2011 http://www.blizzardsofthought.com/Image

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heinzs
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Re: Don't have to Bleed

Post by heinzs » Sun Mar 20, 2011 10:54 am

I like this one, Eric. I have one question on form, though... (I think you've figured out by now that I'm a "form fool" LOL). Is there an esthetic or other reason you've divided every line with commas? They create intentional pauses that affect the rhythm and cadence of the reading. If I were to read these out loud to an audience it would seem as if I were reading a new line at every comma. I feel as if you have a specific goal in mind with them and would love to understand what it is. Always eager to learn something new... :mrgreen:

Cheers!


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Eric
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Re: Don't have to Bleed

Post by Eric » Sun Mar 20, 2011 4:29 pm

Yes they are there to indicate my pauses ... as is the use of a comma ... If you would like to understand it better and how it reads please refer to my site. It is one I read on there with instrumentals on the first page ...
***Poetry Pages Poet of the Month June 2012***
Author Award winning Blizzards of Thought A Book of Reflection March 2011 http://www.blizzardsofthought.com/Image

Odd D
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Re: Don't have to Bleed

Post by Odd D » Mon Mar 21, 2011 12:11 am

I, like Mr. H, have noticed your use of commas and "..." and such in several poems of yours as well. While by no means do I think there is any crazy rule regarding this, I would perhaps like to share my opinion, if you don't mind...
It looks a mite sloppy.The commas ( and "..." and whatnot, you know) would probably be better off being replaced by simply starting a new line. Granted, the ones that belong should stay there, but this would give you the desired pause and simultaneously get any "Form Fools" like ol' Heinzsypoo off your back. Unless he has more to add. :shrug: Also, you're missing some periods. Adding those will help keep your various ideas from smudging together. :thumbsup:

I do very much like your writing style, though. Your rhymes don't seem forced, like a lot of rhyming poets seem to do. I love some of your word choices in several of your pieces... Interesting stuff. Glad to have you on the Pages, sir. :hello:
"No one ultimately knows what they're saying anyway. Are we really making art? Art doesn't belong to us. It doesn't belong to people, it belongs to the universe. It comes FROM the universe. It comes THROUGH us. When I write something, I think I know what I'm saying, but I never pretend to know the full meaning of the words."
- Serj Tankian

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Eric
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Re: Don't have to Bleed

Post by Eric » Mon Mar 21, 2011 5:23 am

Thank you very much for your comments . Yes although I do see your point in the ending and restarting of some lines and breaking them up, I do not feel this would suite my style. I interpret my pauses through commas, colon and semi-colons. Also the ending my sentences in periods is something that I considered but also reconsidered due the fact that the periods seemed to end my thought, while the poem is one continuous thought. A period would be more appropriate I believe only in the last line. I am not sure where or why I have adopted this but its seems to go well with what and how I am trying to say something.

:)
***Poetry Pages Poet of the Month June 2012***
Author Award winning Blizzards of Thought A Book of Reflection March 2011 http://www.blizzardsofthought.com/Image

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heinzs
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Re: Don't have to Bleed

Post by heinzs » Mon Mar 21, 2011 12:26 pm

Your explanations are sound and I will re-read the pieces in their light.

:thumbsup:
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bags123
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Re: Don't have to Bleed

Post by bags123 » Mon Mar 21, 2011 1:05 pm

I think you should throw a few semi colons in there too. :thumbsup: :mrgreen:
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


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Eric
A Poet in the Rain
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Re: Don't have to Bleed

Post by Eric » Mon Mar 21, 2011 2:44 pm

After reading over so much poetry in my time I have found that a style can be adopted at anytime by any writer .. thank god poetry seems to have the flexibility to break every rule of writing lol ... I am a fond of the idea of hearing the poetry as it was written to capture the pauses and passion the writer may have intended. I found that in the use of commas and semi colons I can give the reader just that ! ... although I may be wrong because as the writer I already know how to read it ! what do you think?
***Poetry Pages Poet of the Month June 2012***
Author Award winning Blizzards of Thought A Book of Reflection March 2011 http://www.blizzardsofthought.com/Image

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heinzs
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Re: Don't have to Bleed

Post by heinzs » Mon Mar 21, 2011 10:08 pm

Knowing that it is written with some attention to a musical background explains the intent of the author. And you are right, there is no other way to make that emphasis known to the reader.
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An' it harm none, do what ye will. Blessed Be.
Image
***************************************
My Poet's Page Archive | Topics I've started

Odd D
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Re: Don't have to Bleed

Post by Odd D » Tue Mar 22, 2011 12:48 am

Ah, ha ha, yes... All fair enough explanation to me. Go on with your methods, you loon. :bow:

Side Note: I <3 semi-colons.
"No one ultimately knows what they're saying anyway. Are we really making art? Art doesn't belong to us. It doesn't belong to people, it belongs to the universe. It comes FROM the universe. It comes THROUGH us. When I write something, I think I know what I'm saying, but I never pretend to know the full meaning of the words."
- Serj Tankian

smiffy
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Re: Don't have to Bleed

Post by smiffy » Wed Mar 23, 2011 12:35 am

Enjoyed the read, like the others not too keen on the layout but your explanation is fair enough and after all it is your poem, nice though to be on a forum where rhyme is not frowned upon and advice given , I have posted on forums before where rhyme is looked upon as the poor cousin of poetry so well done to all here,
keep up the good work,

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