Who are You?

nightowlwritter · Post by **nightowlwritter** » Wed Dec 22, 2010 10:17 pm

Who are you?
Boy angel you're so weak
Whispers are all you'll speak
Why must I be so meek?
Is this my punishment of letting you peek?
Boy demon you're so cold
Why must you be so bold?
Hiding in the shadows and mold.
Will you be forever young while I grow old?
Boy werewolf living in the night
You captivate my sight
Every night I crave your bite
My heart will follow you forever in flight.
Boy human I love you most
Is our love but a ghost?
Now my heart and mind are toast.
I will be your willing host
I will always love you.

Topics I've started · Post by **heinzs** » Thu Dec 30, 2010 3:53 pm

I like it. A few suggestions:

Boy angle you're so weak

I suspect you meant "Angel"

Will you be forever young when I am old?

Suggest "Will you be forever young while I grow old?" Note the minor difference in meaning and stretching of time.

Now my heart and mind are toast.
My heart will always be your home and I will be the host.

Suggest "Now my heart and mind are toast
And I will be your willing host."
Attempt to cut down the long line that impedes the rhythm and remove the repitition of the word "heart" in adjacent lines.

Give it a once over. If you like what you see then by all means leave it. You are the final and only important judge.

Cheers!

nightowlwritter · Post by **nightowlwritter** » Sun Jan 09, 2011 9:10 am

i read what you wrote and i really like what you sugested, it did make the poem seem stronger. thank you!

Post by **gordy** » Sun Jan 09, 2011 2:58 pm

great job!

nightowlwritter · Post by **nightowlwritter** » Sun Jan 09, 2011 6:42 pm

Thank you very much

Topics I've started · Post by **heinzs** » Sun Jan 09, 2011 10:13 pm

Cool! It is sometimes amazing how a small change can improve the reading.

Post by **moonflower** » Mon Jan 10, 2011 2:48 pm

enjoyed this very much!..

nightowlwritter · Post by **nightowlwritter** » Thu May 26, 2011 11:37 pm

thank you very much

Black Star Shine · Post by **Black Star Shine** » Wed Jun 01, 2011 8:31 am

Wow, this was really beautiful!

nightowlwritter · Post by **nightowlwritter** » Thu Aug 18, 2011 8:01 pm

thank you very much

Post by **Jadynara** » Fri Aug 19, 2011 9:26 am

I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing and welcome to the Pages.

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