Who are You?
Forum rules
A place for new members to post their poetry so we may get to know them and their poetry better. NO erotica.
Autoprune: 12-months
A place for new members to post their poetry so we may get to know them and their poetry better. NO erotica.
Autoprune: 12-months
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- Clearwater Poet
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Mon Dec 20, 2010 10:18 pm
- Tag line: Words fly with my dreams
- Location: Santa Rosa, on the edge of the Forest
Who are You?
Who are you?
Boy angel you're so weak
Whispers are all you'll speak
Why must I be so meek?
Is this my punishment of letting you peek?
Boy demon you're so cold
Why must you be so bold?
Hiding in the shadows and mold.
Will you be forever young while I grow old?
Boy werewolf living in the night
You captivate my sight
Every night I crave your bite
My heart will follow you forever in flight.
Boy human I love you most
Is our love but a ghost?
Now my heart and mind are toast.
I will be your willing host
I will always love you.
Boy angel you're so weak
Whispers are all you'll speak
Why must I be so meek?
Is this my punishment of letting you peek?
Boy demon you're so cold
Why must you be so bold?
Hiding in the shadows and mold.
Will you be forever young while I grow old?
Boy werewolf living in the night
You captivate my sight
Every night I crave your bite
My heart will follow you forever in flight.
Boy human I love you most
Is our love but a ghost?
Now my heart and mind are toast.
I will be your willing host
I will always love you.
Last edited by nightowlwritter on Sun Jan 09, 2011 9:08 am, edited 1 time in total.
- heinzs
- The Fat Cat
- Posts: 8419
- Joined: Tue Dec 18, 2001 12:01 am
- Tag line: Do no harm
- Location: Novato, CA
- Contact:
Re: Who are You?
I like it. A few suggestions:
And I will be your willing host."
Attempt to cut down the long line that impedes the rhythm and remove the repitition of the word "heart" in adjacent lines.
Give it a once over. If you like what you see then by all means leave it. You are the final and only important judge.
Cheers!
I suspect you meant "Angel"Boy angle you're so weak
Suggest "Will you be forever young while I grow old?" Note the minor difference in meaning and stretching of time.Will you be forever young when I am old?
Suggest "Now my heart and mind are toastNow my heart and mind are toast.
My heart will always be your home and I will be the host.
And I will be your willing host."
Attempt to cut down the long line that impedes the rhythm and remove the repitition of the word "heart" in adjacent lines.
Give it a once over. If you like what you see then by all means leave it. You are the final and only important judge.
Cheers!
An' it harm none, do what ye will. Blessed Be.
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My Poet's Page Archive | Topics I've started
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- Clearwater Poet
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Mon Dec 20, 2010 10:18 pm
- Tag line: Words fly with my dreams
- Location: Santa Rosa, on the edge of the Forest
Re: Who are You?
i read what you wrote and i really like what you sugested, it did make the poem seem stronger. thank you!
Re: Who are You?
great job!
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My Jesus hung out with thieves and sluts and liars, which Jesus do you worship?
---Todd Agnew
Perfection is my enemy
Procrastination is his cohort
Persistence is my sword
---Gordy
My Jesus hung out with thieves and sluts and liars, which Jesus do you worship?
---Todd Agnew
Perfection is my enemy
Procrastination is his cohort
Persistence is my sword
---Gordy
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- Clearwater Poet
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Mon Dec 20, 2010 10:18 pm
- Tag line: Words fly with my dreams
- Location: Santa Rosa, on the edge of the Forest
Re: Who are You?
Thank you very much
- heinzs
- The Fat Cat
- Posts: 8419
- Joined: Tue Dec 18, 2001 12:01 am
- Tag line: Do no harm
- Location: Novato, CA
- Contact:
Re: Who are You?
Cool! It is sometimes amazing how a small change can improve the reading.
An' it harm none, do what ye will. Blessed Be.
***************************************
My Poet's Page Archive | Topics I've started
- moonflower
- enchanted by the magic
- Posts: 2190
- Joined: Sun Mar 24, 2002 12:01 am
- Location: longview tx
Re: Who are You?
enjoyed this very much!..
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- Clearwater Poet
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Mon Dec 20, 2010 10:18 pm
- Tag line: Words fly with my dreams
- Location: Santa Rosa, on the edge of the Forest
Re: Who are You?
thank you very much
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- Demonic Grinning Poet
- Posts: 481
- Joined: Thu Mar 27, 2008 2:20 pm
- Tag line: You Haunt My Soul
- Location: Pluto
- Contact:
Re: Who are You?
Wow, this was really beautiful!
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- Clearwater Poet
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Mon Dec 20, 2010 10:18 pm
- Tag line: Words fly with my dreams
- Location: Santa Rosa, on the edge of the Forest
Re: Who are You?
thank you very much
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- Melpomenes Heiress
- Posts: 552
- Joined: Wed May 05, 2010 9:49 am
- Location: My Ocean of Dreams
- Contact:
Re: Who are You?
I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing and welcome to the Pages.
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