A Pantoum

[Moongem]

No One Agrees So All Must Die

I think I see where the problem lies,
No one agrees so all must die,
Too many sheep bleating their ayes,
Caring's too hard so nobody tries.

No one agrees so all must die,
Selling their dreams and blinding their eyes,
Caring’s too hard so nobody tries,
Plugging their ears and bleeding goodbyes.

Selling their dreams and blinding their eyes,
Turreting walls and hoarding supplies,
Plugging their ears and bleeding goodbyes,
Closing their minds and not asking why.

Turreting walls and hoarding supplies,
Baking allies into mock apple pies,
Closing their minds and not asking why,
Sealing their lips while letting loose sighs.

Baking allies into mock apple pies,
Trading sweet life without trying to fly,
Sealing their lips while letting loose sighs,
I don’t understand how Man went awry.

Trading sweet life without trying to fly,
The Golden Rule must be reapplied,
I don’t understand how Man went awry,
I ache with pain when humanity cries.

The Golden Rule must be reapplied,
Too many sheep bleating their ayes,
I ache with pain when humanity cries,
I think I see where the problem lies.

Erin Elizabeth Kelly-Moen
© Copyright 6/2/05

This is my third pantoum, I am enjoying the form, though I didn't think I could ever understand, let alone write, its repeating pattern, with the integrity of its continuity intact and comprehensible.

I had arrows all over the page with my first pantoum, with notes of '2 to 1, 4 to 3', jotted about and lots of lines scratched out...

[heinzs]

Excellent, Erin! It is a hard form to keep the flow going...

[Richard taylor]

outstanding so difficlt to convey the image in this form well done
richard

[Moongem]

Thank you, both, it is a very satisfying form. I'd love to see a pantoum from each of you.

I'm wondering, I was reading back on a few other people's pantoums in several strings. They are more asymmetrical, to my ear, though comprised of strong context. Which do you feel is better for the form, rythmic or assym.? Here is my first pantoum, a bit jarring and flustered, without, to me, true flow.

As Everybody Dies

I get so impatient
When the world doesn’t go right,
When responsibility isn’t taken
For activities of spite,

When the world doesn’t go right,
And life isn’t so bright.
For activities of spite
Murders souls’ height,

And life isn’t so bright.
Human animals delight
Murders souls’ height,
Suppresses wills’ might.

Human animals delight
Creates misery of lives,
Suppresses wills’ might,
And Mankind doesn’t thrive.

Creates misery of lives,
Weeping fills the skies,
And Mankind doesn’t thrive
As everybody dies.

Weeping fills the skies,
When responsibility isn’t taken
As everybody dies…
I get so impatient.

Erin Elizabeth Kelly-Moen
© Copyright 1/5/05

[Richard taylor]

i'll repost one of mine
richard

[heinzs]

I think it falters because the lines are so short... makes it hard to sustain a rhythm. Other than that, it, too, is a fine pantoum.

H.

[heinzs]

Pantoum for Spring

When the Monarch butterflies return
It heralds the season's change.
From Winter's death, life renews.
Verdant growth signals the rebirth.

It heralds the season's change
When trees new leaves do grow.
Verdant growth signals the rebirth -
A new season - a new year.

When trees new leaves do grow
The heart fills anew with joy and love.
A new season - a new year
To treasure God's gifts from above.

The heart fills anew with joy and love -
From Winter's death, life renews -
To treasure God's gifts from above
When the Monarch butterflies return.

11/1/2001

This is one of my earliest pantoums and seems a bit "choppy" on re-examination.

H.

[Moongem]

You know what, Heinzs? I think it is because you have too many hard-soft contrasts in almost every line, without the continuity of sound-alliteration to keep the flow smooth and moving. If you see what I mean.

Take the first verse, if I may use it to show what I 'feel':

When the Monarch butterflies return~When the Monarch butterfly returns allows the t's and r's to compliment each other, the end s softens the line.
It heralds the season's change.~She heralds the seasons change, It softened to she, herald is a strange word, but I see how it relates to Monarch~
From Winter's death, life renews,~I kind of like death-grip, a g and short i alliteration, but, no...
Verdant growth signals the rebirth.~vibrant growth signals the rebirth, the b coordinates the first b in butterfly and ends with rebirth, also, Monarch's have 'vibrant' banners and flags, and, vibrant denotes colors, like flowers and butterflies and treasure and joy.

When the Monarch butterfly returns
She heralds the seasons change,
From Winter's death, life renews,
Vibrant growth signals the rebirth.

These are the type of things that I see when I write, or read others works. If anything feels fractious, it is analyzed, heard, shifted and 'fixed'.

Hope you don't mind my playing with your piece...

[bags123]

Hi Erin,... I never really got the Pantoum form. Didn't it originate in Malaysia? Like so many forms originating within other cultures and languages,... they must have more meaning within that
languages nuances and contexts. I've got the same problem with Haiku, Serenyu,etc. In my humble opinion,.... they often don't translate well using English. Of course there are exceptions, but overall, it's like the Muslims say,... "The Koran can't be understood entirely, unless one reads it in the original Arabic". I suppose that would be true of the Judeo/Christian scriptures as well. Anyway,... glad to see you back among us. You truely are a gem.

[Moongem]

According to Richard, Gerry, it's

A French verse form of four quatrains that repeats
Entire lines in a strict pattern 1234, 2546, 5767, 7183.

Don't you have single pantoum? You should try one, if not, they can be metered and balanced with remarkable results. What about a vilanelle, Gerry, have one? I'd like to try the form, but need research.

I don't think the 'form' has to translate, Gerry, I think we 'form' our own translation, which is what poetry is, essentially, subjective-mind, aided by the subconscious, translating everything. To understand the origin, and original meaning, of the form and its incorporation into its language, I agree, can not be accomplished by other languages.

Jerry's working late, kids are in Wisconsin for a year, with his relatives, long story.

[heinzs]

Thanks Moonie... I may just revisit this one...

[Moongem]

You were right, Gerry, the pantoum did begin in Malaysa. But, the French can be given credit for adopting and spreading the form.

"I believe it is an ancient malaysian song form, but i may be wrong." ~ Rebecca

"Yep, Reb. It kicked off in Malaya and was picked up by French poets. It slowly spread through Europe in the Nineteenth Century and became popular in the US in the Twentieth." ~ Neil Marr, Editor of BeWrite.net