Two Opposite, Similar Creatures
- xmartinx=]
- Clearwater Poet
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Two Opposite, Similar Creatures
Two Opposite, Similar Creatures
An innocent creature that flutters by,
From the egg, to the wind, to the sky it rise,
Its wings spread wide, it learns to fly,
Its bad by man, but good in gods eyes.
Each does what it can to survive,
Both does for self, one does for greed,
For both seek blood ere false to thrive,
To separate the human, want from need.
Each controls the host it holds,
For life or death it is their choice,
Each victim no choice but its destiny folds,
Until the dark is given a voice,
Both killed by netting, a simple trap,
To overthrow each other, each weapon a prick,
A dagger, a hand a simple tap,
One squashed, one stabbed both deaths by trick,
Blood both run down the others hand,
This had began upon blood and sand.
An innocent creature that flutters by,
From the egg, to the wind, to the sky it rise,
Its wings spread wide, it learns to fly,
Its bad by man, but good in gods eyes.
Each does what it can to survive,
Both does for self, one does for greed,
For both seek blood ere false to thrive,
To separate the human, want from need.
Each controls the host it holds,
For life or death it is their choice,
Each victim no choice but its destiny folds,
Until the dark is given a voice,
Both killed by netting, a simple trap,
To overthrow each other, each weapon a prick,
A dagger, a hand a simple tap,
One squashed, one stabbed both deaths by trick,
Blood both run down the others hand,
This had began upon blood and sand.
thanks for reading!!! =] " ill never strafe, ill never wonder, all absence does is make the heart grow fonder "
- heinzs
- The Fat Cat
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Re: Two Opposite, Similar Creatures
good imagery. Delivery is a bit choppy. some verb tense issues. I'm not sure you have convincingly portrayed a comparison/contrast argument. It's a great start. Keep at it.
An' it harm none, do what ye will. Blessed Be.
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- xmartinx=]
- Clearwater Poet
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Re: Two Opposite, Similar Creatures
thanks, ill attempt a re write to make it simpler and thank you for the critisism. ill be impressed if anyone can identify the two things i am comparing...
thanks for reading!!! =] " ill never strafe, ill never wonder, all absence does is make the heart grow fonder "
- heinzs
- The Fat Cat
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Re: Two Opposite, Similar Creatures
Well... I think I have my own idea what two "creatures" you are comparing, and therefore create my personal interpretation... as each reader will do in turn. Sometimes the poet's concept encompasses a greater reality than the poet has originally envisioned.
An' it harm none, do what ye will. Blessed Be.
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My Poet's Page Archive | Topics I've started
- xmartinx=]
- Clearwater Poet
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- Joined: Wed Jul 08, 2009 8:29 am
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Re: Two Opposite, Similar Creatures
thanks you, yes i agree, each peom can be interpreted by different readers but i meant for the others to guess and give their suggestions. =]
thanks for reading!!! =] " ill never strafe, ill never wonder, all absence does is make the heart grow fonder "
- moonflower
- enchanted by the magic
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Re: Two Opposite, Similar Creatures
this is captivating! ..and very challenging..i am continuing to ponder the two creatures..enjoyed!
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- Seafoam Poet
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Re: Two Opposite, Similar Creatures
I envision a bat as one of the creatures. At first I was thinking bat and bird, but I'm doubting myself very seriously on that now. Now I'm thinking spider and... Meh, I dunno. Ha ha
I do have to agree with Mr. H here in that I find a few parts a spot choppy. Particularly the beginning, when what I thought was the first creature is described. It starts out "An," implying that there is only the one creature, then, without real transition from the thought of a singular being, goes on to use "Each" and "Both" to begin the next two lines. Where was the second creature described, or did the second creature begin the same way as the first? There simply isn't any separation in describing the two is what I think I'm trying to say.
I dunno, just some thoughts I thought I'd throw out just in case you decide to do the re-write! I like the concept!
I do have to agree with Mr. H here in that I find a few parts a spot choppy. Particularly the beginning, when what I thought was the first creature is described. It starts out "An," implying that there is only the one creature, then, without real transition from the thought of a singular being, goes on to use "Each" and "Both" to begin the next two lines. Where was the second creature described, or did the second creature begin the same way as the first? There simply isn't any separation in describing the two is what I think I'm trying to say.
I dunno, just some thoughts I thought I'd throw out just in case you decide to do the re-write! I like the concept!
- Serj Tankian
- xmartinx=]
- Clearwater Poet
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Re: Two Opposite, Similar Creatures
i think its about time i gave the awnser. i was comparing the difference between a mosquito and man. great guesses tho =]
thanks for reading!!! =] " ill never strafe, ill never wonder, all absence does is make the heart grow fonder "
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