A Cold Life

[Kamasui]

Frozen,
Trapped in the endless cycle of time,
Hemmoraging in a wasteland of forgotten desire,
Colorless in a world of vibrant colors,
Life bound by chains,
Diseased by structure,
Frozen,
Where everything means nothing.


Comments and Feedback appriciated, Tell me what you got out of it.

[heinzs]

I think your use of "hemorrhaging" detracts from the piece. The more simple and direct "Bleeding" seems more appropriate in that spot.

[Kamasui]

I duno. I thought that bleeding was to much of a light word to use. I was trying to make this piece as powerful as i possibly could.

[heinzs]

Sometimes a "big" word is not the most powerful. In this case, the word you have chosen is four clumsy syllables which bog the reader down... by the time i've done with the word I don't see the rest of the poem any more. Bleeding, on the other hand, is direct, simple, two syllables, and in this case a more "powerful" choice. But, it is your poem to do as you see fit... not mine... lol.

Cheers!