within a single raindrop is
everything that is wet and water
the world inside a chalice
falling to earth with great speed
breaking on the ground as bombs to the cities
spilling the blood of all life
the holy substance vital to us all
a single drop of rain
with potential to be all
into which we pour our tears
rain
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blackbanner
- Clearwater Poet
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- Location: US
- Contact:
rain
Last edited by blackbanner on Thu Dec 20, 2007 3:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
"so now he waits
in his own little hell
surrounded by the
the very things he came to escape"
BlackBanner
in his own little hell
surrounded by the
the very things he came to escape"
BlackBanner
-
moonflower
- enchanted by the magic
- Posts: 2190
- Joined: Sun Mar 24, 2002 12:01 am
- Location: longview tx
Re: rain
i like this too..i love the rain! 
..i too didnt quite understand the 2nd line tho..hope to read more from you! 
..i too didnt quite understand the 2nd line tho..hope to read more from you! 
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sphoenixee
Re: rain
Pretty. Some comments:
within a single raindrop is
all the is wet and water
the is?
the world inside the small
the small? i realize this is modern, but there are nouns specifically suited for what you're trying to say. e.g. pearl, crystal, drop (these aren't the best, but just some things that could work)
falling to earth with great speed
breaking on the ground as bombs to the cities
a bit sudden from peace to catastrophe, but I guess you were going for this
spilling the blood of all life
the holy substance vital to us all
a single drop of rain
with potential to be a all
once again, there are nouns you could use instead of "all"
into which we pour our tears
Very cute piece, overall; I enjoyed reading it :) Good job
within a single raindrop is
all the is wet and water
the is?
the world inside the small
the small? i realize this is modern, but there are nouns specifically suited for what you're trying to say. e.g. pearl, crystal, drop (these aren't the best, but just some things that could work)
falling to earth with great speed
breaking on the ground as bombs to the cities
a bit sudden from peace to catastrophe, but I guess you were going for this
spilling the blood of all life
the holy substance vital to us all
a single drop of rain
with potential to be a all
once again, there are nouns you could use instead of "all"
into which we pour our tears
Very cute piece, overall; I enjoyed reading it :) Good job
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psychotic pretender
- Mistress of Shadows
- Posts: 476
- Joined: Sat Dec 15, 2007 11:59 am
- Location: wadley alabama
- Contact:
Re: rain
im not gonna nit pick
cause i know that sometimes you really mean EXACTLY what you write
but some of it doesnt read quit right in my mind
overall i found it to be a really good read however
cause i know that sometimes you really mean EXACTLY what you write
but some of it doesnt read quit right in my mind
overall i found it to be a really good read however
/My first thought was, he lied in every word,
That hoary cripple, with malicious eye
....
......................................
...... And yet
Dauntless the slug-horn to my lips I set,
And blew. ``Childe Roland to the Dark Tower came.''
Childe Roland to the Dark Tower Came
Robert Browning 1812-1889
That hoary cripple, with malicious eye
....
......................................
...... And yet
Dauntless the slug-horn to my lips I set,
And blew. ``Childe Roland to the Dark Tower came.''
Childe Roland to the Dark Tower Came
Robert Browning 1812-1889
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blackbanner
- Clearwater Poet
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- Location: US
- Contact:
Re: rain
hey guys thanks for all of your feedback
this was a quick write and i suck at typing lol
some parts were not meant to be all weird
i just edited it with your comments in mind
<3BB
this was a quick write and i suck at typing lol
some parts were not meant to be all weird
i just edited it with your comments in mind
<3BB
"so now he waits
in his own little hell
surrounded by the
the very things he came to escape"
BlackBanner
in his own little hell
surrounded by the
the very things he came to escape"
BlackBanner
-
Milk White Chocolate
- Naughty But Nice
- Posts: 210
- Joined: Sun Feb 18, 2007 10:35 am
- Location: France
Re: rain
It makes me think of life and how small and ephemeral it is compared with the universe.
Great write...
Money don't make me so broke can't break me.
**My Video Page**
**My Video Page**
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pixie dust
- Clearwater Poet
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