Looking In

[GoodRedRoad]

There was this girl who was in love with me once.
She didn't know it yet, but I was sure she did
and I wouldn't tell her until she realized it herself.
We'd talk every Sunday
and sit on grassy hills to watch the people coming out of the churches.
She was beautiful and affected
by the mothers mourning for their loss of sexuality
and the children who would run in and out of the parking lot at random.
She wished that they'd be hit and be sent to their god at an early age.
Freeing their mothers and
giving me another chance to inspired.
I didn't really like her at all.
She was always looking at me with her eyes filled with this goddamn sympathy.
It was sickening and I was sick.
But to leave her would be the worst thing I could ever do.
She was the only one I had.

[caseythelemon]

I like this..

It's sad, in a really familiar way. Enjoyed it. :)[/i]

[Sailor55]

You are clearly a born storyteller. That is rare. You are very good now and will be excellent in time. However, you should read your work over diligently before you post. There are a few small flaws that I'm sure you would find if you read it out syllable by syllable. The tiniest things can bring top-notch work down to merely 'not bad'.

Also, try to think closely about words and phrases you can safely remove without losing meaning and carve 'em outa there! Be ruthless! A great statue is made by removing everything which is not part of the image, but nothing more.

Take pride and take care. - Daniel

[GoodRedRoad]

thanks casey.

and thank you so much Daniel. all I want to do is become a better writer, and comments like that really help.

[Queen]

WOW..... that was awsome, what a turn of emotion from begining to end. i felt sad for you both