Group Help, Hammering at another song
Posted: Thu Nov 23, 2017 12:44 am
I am looking to
1. Strengthen images
2. Improve words
3. Improve story flow
Also if you agree with me that it feels juvenile, you can say it without hurting my feelings.
I know you don't do songs much here but this one should be (and pretty much is)
5,
6,
5,
6,
5,
8
with some leeway for either or words (some words can be 1 or 2 when song)
They knocked you down
Parts shattered on the floor
Then’s when you realized
There’s no such thing as home
It’s a lie they’ve told
Since the day your first heart emerged
You fall down again
Not sure who tripped you
You’re stuttering inside
And a young girl's blueish ink
Fades slow to secret red
In the light cast by your beliefs
[Choruses]
You grapple one more time
Fingers grasp for tables edge
Pulling yourself up again
Gripping a tear
What if there’s no home
No shelter for a heart
That's always seeking
And all love is a lie?
You’re not so young now
Standing defiant of fears
Dodging falling blows
Bruised knuckles fly by
Their fury steadily grows
But you’re held back by your chains
[Choruses]
You howl, a primal roar
Fingers grasp for tables edge
And you raise yourself again
Denying a tear
What if there’s no home
No shelter for a heart
That's always seeking
And all love is a lie?
Tangled tattoos appear /
Pregnant with secret pains
And a desire to roar
But tears still reign inside
Upon the dragon's heart
And if you would let them flow
You’ll fall
[Choruses]
What if this is no lie
His hand reaches for yours
And you try to rise again
Denying a tear
Half naked in the bed
His lips kiss your shoulder
And you try to rise again
Denying your fear
What if there’s no home
No shelter for a heart
That's ’always seeking
And all love is a lie?
1. Strengthen images
2. Improve words
3. Improve story flow
Also if you agree with me that it feels juvenile, you can say it without hurting my feelings.
I know you don't do songs much here but this one should be (and pretty much is)
5,
6,
5,
6,
5,
8
with some leeway for either or words (some words can be 1 or 2 when song)
They knocked you down
Parts shattered on the floor
Then’s when you realized
There’s no such thing as home
It’s a lie they’ve told
Since the day your first heart emerged
You fall down again
Not sure who tripped you
You’re stuttering inside
And a young girl's blueish ink
Fades slow to secret red
In the light cast by your beliefs
[Choruses]
You grapple one more time
Fingers grasp for tables edge
Pulling yourself up again
Gripping a tear
What if there’s no home
No shelter for a heart
That's always seeking
And all love is a lie?
You’re not so young now
Standing defiant of fears
Dodging falling blows
Bruised knuckles fly by
Their fury steadily grows
But you’re held back by your chains
[Choruses]
You howl, a primal roar
Fingers grasp for tables edge
And you raise yourself again
Denying a tear
What if there’s no home
No shelter for a heart
That's always seeking
And all love is a lie?
Tangled tattoos appear /
Pregnant with secret pains
And a desire to roar
But tears still reign inside
Upon the dragon's heart
And if you would let them flow
You’ll fall
[Choruses]
What if this is no lie
His hand reaches for yours
And you try to rise again
Denying a tear
Half naked in the bed
His lips kiss your shoulder
And you try to rise again
Denying your fear
What if there’s no home
No shelter for a heart
That's ’always seeking
And all love is a lie?