still needs title

Come on in to give and receive critique, suggestions or help with work in progress or finished pieces. Any format welcome.

Moderator: bags123

Post Reply
blues
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 62
Joined: Tue Dec 08, 2009 7:10 am
Contact:

still needs title

Post by blues » Wed Jan 04, 2012 2:50 pm

In the middle of the night
I lie awake in the dark
afraid to close my eyes
out of fear the ghosts will return

ghosts of my past
pictures of the past
questions with no answers
and of what could have been

ghosts of the future
of what will be
of what i can do
but already knowing ii won't make a difference

So i like awake at night
alone in the dark
trying desperately to stay in the present
but I can't help it eventually
my eyes slowly slidding shut


Ok so first of all Happy New Year to everybody on the boards. Secondly I really need some help with this poem. I still need a title for it I was thinking Ghosts but it just feels a bit too much on the nose. also i feel that some of the terms I use especially in the last stanza is not quite right. i would really appreciate any input. thanx

User avatar
Aeon Flux
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 11
Joined: Sun Nov 30, 2003 3:23 pm
Location: Monica

Re: still needs title

Post by Aeon Flux » Mon Jan 09, 2012 5:52 pm

Yes, an obvious title would be "ghosts". Perhaps something different, like "Fearing Hypnos", working on the fears of falling asleep. Not sure... Just a note, in the last line, the word "slidding" might better be "slide".

Cheers!


Aeon

Post Reply

Return to “Workshop/Critiques Wanted”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 10 guests