Demolition (Need help Work in progress)

[Jadynara]

Keep in mind I feel this is completely unfinished - I just need some feedback.

Demolition

I wanted to fall asleep surrounded by you
and the shadows you keep too, but they hold me at bay.
You've closed from me, once again a blueprint I can't read.

To afraid to let me be a part of your architecture
your self sabotage inflicted deep wounds,
scarring the parts of me you had already revealed
with your wrecking ball of comfort and acceptance.
I had thought your construction worth while
when all this time it was a ploy to catch
A glimpse of property you would never buy.
Your surveying cost me so much more than
just my walls that have been crumbled.

That barrier I now struggle to rebuild,
To save my carefully manicured lawns from being overrun
by mad hatters of emotion looking to prosper
from your careless demolition,
is little but a pile of rubble in the aftermath
of the foremans instruction.

You never broke ground on the remodel.
Just tore down the old walls and walked away
leaving the best laid plans crumpled in the corner,
like the project was never anything more than
an easily forgotten idea from a dreamer of dreams
that you never really had the strength to make your own.



Okie dokie - this is as far as I've gotten so far... what do you think?



Jady

[Jadynara]

no one has any input huh?

[gordy]

i like the concept a lot. had a hard time getting a flow but that could just be me.... its a very good start though, if it were me i would maybe break down some of the stanzas into two shorter stanzas and try and get some ryhming in there but thats just me

[Jadynara]

I will probably break up the second stanza into a second and thrid, but this is freeverse, it was intentionally written that way and i think the piece would lose its power if i turned it into something rhyme-y and singsongy... that isnt what im looking for with it. Thanks for taking the tiem to respond by the way - I must say I've been slightly dissapointed with response and the lack of it here lately aside from the constant chatter in open discussion.

[gordy]

yes this is most definitely not the site for extensive critical review. from time to time there will be people who give indepth reviews etc but not too often.

[gordy]

also i think you can make it rhyme without making it sing-songy but i dont think it is required, just a suggestion. i like the concept a lot as i already stated...lol

[Jadynara]

I have a tendency to turn anything that I rhyme into "singsongyness" for some reason. IDK why, it just comes out that way. I wish we had some more people who would be willing to review critically .... what else do we have a critique forum for? I think people just don't want to come across as mean or rude so they are not willing to say what they think. Oh well. Once again, thank you for taking the time to respond, it is greatly appreciated.

[heinzs]

I like the concept but structurally it's a bit cumbersome at present... sort of like the edifice that's being demolished :-) I'll try to come back later to give more detail.

[gordy]

here is a rework i did, not completely satisfied with it and i changed a few words etc but i figured i would give it a shot. im not very good at critiquing tho....lol




Demolition

I wanted to fall asleep
surrounded
by you
and the shadows you keep too,

but
they hold me at bay.
You've closed from me,
once again
like a blueprint I can't read.

To afraid to let me be
a part of your architecture
your self sabotage
inflicted
deep wounds,
scarring the parts of me you had already revealed
with your wrecking ball
of comfort and acceptance.

I had thought your construction worth while
when all this time
it was a ploy to catch a glimpse
of property you would never buy.
Your surveying cost me
so much more
than just my walls
that have been crumbled.

The shakily rebuilt barrier
meant to protect my carefully
manicured lawn from mad hatters
of emotion,(who perch like buzzards
above your careless demolition)
are but a pile of rubble
in the aftermath
of the foreman's instruction.

You never broke ground on the remodel.
Just tore down the old walls and walked away
leaving the best laid plans crumpled in the corner,
like the project was never anything

more than an easily forgotten idea
from a dreamer of dreams
that you never really had the strength
to make your own.

[Jadynara]

oh thank you gordy, i never realized how much better it reads broken up a little differently. going to have to do some experimentation. Does it end correctly? is it missing anything? does it seem like a complete idea?

[Jadynara]

Is the metaphor overused? Does it take away from the impact of the piece?

[Jadynara]

Okay - take 2

Demolition

I wanted to fall asleep surrounded by you
and the shadows you keep too,
but they hold me at bay.
You've closed from me,
once again a blueprint I can't read.

To afraid to let me be
a part of your architecture
your self sabotage
inflicted
deep wounds,
scarring the parts of me
you had already revealed
with your wrecking ball
of comfort and acceptance.

I had thought your construction worth while
when all this time it was a ploy
to catch a glimpse
of property you would never buy.
Your surveying cost me
so much more than just my walls
that have been crumbled.

That barrier I now struggle to rebuild,
To save my carefully manicured lawns
from being overrun
by mad hatters of emotion
looking to prosper
from your careless demolition,
is little but a pile of rubble
in the aftermath
of the foremans instruction.

You never even broke ground
on the remodel.
Just tore down the old walls
and walked away
leaving the best laid plans
crumpled in the corner,

like the project was
never anything more than
an easily forgotten idea
from a dreamer of dreams
that you never really had the strength
to make your own.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I am still wondering if I took the construction metaphor to far. What do you think?

[heinzs]

The rework is phenomenal!

[Laverne Pacquire]

jadynara -

more death please, the intensity needs improving
manicured lawns is so sexy
your wrecking ball of comfort and acceptance, this needs more sex and violence somehow, someway
put a gun or somekind of weapon in there

whoever, this is too...i am very sad for them

out of time, bye

Keep in mind I feel this is completely unfinished - I just need some feedback.

Demolition

I wanted to fall asleep surrounded by you
and the shadows you keep too, but they hold me at bay.
You've closed from me, once again a blueprint I can't read.

To afraid to let me be a part of your architecture
your self sabotage inflicted deep wounds,
scarring the parts of me you had already revealed
with your wrecking ball of comfort and acceptance.
I had thought your construction worth while
when all this time it was a ploy to catch
A glimpse of property you would never buy.
Your surveying cost me so much more than
just my walls that have been crumbled.

That barrier I now struggle to rebuild,
To save my carefully manicured lawns from being overrun
by mad hatters of emotion looking to prosper
from your careless demolition,
is little but a pile of rubble in the aftermath
of the foremans instruction.

You never broke ground on the remodel.
Just tore down the old walls and walked away
leaving the best laid plans crumpled in the corner,
like the project was never anything more than
an easily forgotten idea from a dreamer of dreams
that you never really had the strength to make your own.



Okie dokie - this is as far as I've gotten so far... what do you think?



Jady