The Nothing
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- Melpomenes Heiress
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The Nothing
The Nothing's written on her face
As she stares at him in his disgrace
Leaving him without a trace
Of any hope for her embrace
The Nothing inundates her smile
She's been smiling all the while
She threw his clothes into the pile
Out on the dirty kitchen tile
The Nothing creeps into her eyes
As she recounts his many lies
Throughout which he sits and cries
Declaring that he really tries
You see The Nothing's got her heart
She placed it there before the start
Of making sure their lives would part
And now she knows that this was smart
For nothing now can hold her there
The Nothing's taken all her care
It seems that this is just what's fair
After finding him in his affair
The Nothing simply kept her whole
Which really was her only goal
And now The Nothing takes it's toll
She's left with naught to heal her soul
As she stares at him in his disgrace
Leaving him without a trace
Of any hope for her embrace
The Nothing inundates her smile
She's been smiling all the while
She threw his clothes into the pile
Out on the dirty kitchen tile
The Nothing creeps into her eyes
As she recounts his many lies
Throughout which he sits and cries
Declaring that he really tries
You see The Nothing's got her heart
She placed it there before the start
Of making sure their lives would part
And now she knows that this was smart
For nothing now can hold her there
The Nothing's taken all her care
It seems that this is just what's fair
After finding him in his affair
The Nothing simply kept her whole
Which really was her only goal
And now The Nothing takes it's toll
She's left with naught to heal her soul
Last edited by Jadynara on Fri Jul 23, 2010 11:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.
- heinzs
- The Fat Cat
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Re: The Nothing
"As she recounts the times he lied" would work in the form better as "As she recounts his many lies", and the last line in that stanza also "Declaring that he always tries". "Throughout" is one word.
I loved reading this. So few folks will risk writing in metered rhyme nowadays... it's always refreshing to find a good example of it.
I loved reading this. So few folks will risk writing in metered rhyme nowadays... it's always refreshing to find a good example of it.
An' it harm none, do what ye will. Blessed Be.
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My Poet's Page Archive | Topics I've started
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- Melpomenes Heiress
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Re: The Nothing
Thank you - i had originally written the line as "as she recounts his many lies" but couldn't make the 4th line in the stanza work, which you have done beautifully for me. Also - i added this piece on my playstation which is rather picky about spaces and randomly adds them where ever it feels thank you for letting me know so I can fix it.
- heinzs
- The Fat Cat
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Re: The Nothing
You are most welcome. I really enjoy reading your poems.
An' it harm none, do what ye will. Blessed Be.
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My Poet's Page Archive | Topics I've started
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- Melpomenes Heiress
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Re: The Nothing
thank you, that is a great compliment knowing how much you have to read. thank you so much for taking the time to reply.
Re: The Nothing
Hi Jady,
Like Heinz, I really enjoyed this one. There's a few places where the meter falters a little, but overall I'd give it an A-
PS- I've experienced "The Nothing" with my ex-wife. Strange how love can just feed on itself sometimes until there's nothing left. Kind of like that book "The Giving Tree" by Silverstein. Great topic for poetry.
Like Heinz, I really enjoyed this one. There's a few places where the meter falters a little, but overall I'd give it an A-
PS- I've experienced "The Nothing" with my ex-wife. Strange how love can just feed on itself sometimes until there's nothing left. Kind of like that book "The Giving Tree" by Silverstein. Great topic for poetry.
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart
Poet of the Month
March 2011
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart
Poet of the Month
March 2011
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- Melpomenes Heiress
- Posts: 552
- Joined: Wed May 05, 2010 9:49 am
- Location: My Ocean of Dreams
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Re: The Nothing
Hey bags.... could you do me a favor and point out where you see the meter falter... I am having a difficult time finding it. Perhaps it's just the way I read it because I wrote it and so it flows very well for me. Thanks for your time and comments!
Jady
Jady
- Moushka
- Blue Sea Poet
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Re: The Nothing
I just thought of a couple of things that might help.....
upon the dirty kitchen tile
throughout the which he sits and cries
upon the dirty kitchen tile
throughout the which he sits and cries
Stuck on Number 2. Learning to begin.
1.Believe 2.Belong 3.Become
1.Awareness 2.Acceptance 3.Action
1.Believe 2.Belong 3.Become
1.Awareness 2.Acceptance 3.Action
Re: The Nothing
The numbers I put at the end of each line represent the syllables each contain. For it to flow properly,...each line must contain the same number of syllables. By adding an extra one, or taking one away it interrupts the meter when read. I'm sure with a little effort you can polish this one into a gem.Jadynara wrote:The Nothing's written on her face - 8
As she stares at him in his disgrace-9
Leaving him without a trace-7
Of any hope for her embrace-8
The Nothing inundates her smile-8
She's been smiling all the while-7
She threw his clothes into the pile-8
Out on the dirty kitchen tile-8
The Nothing creeps into her eyes-8
As she recounts his many lies-8
Throughout which he sits and cries-7
Declaring that he really tries-8
You see The Nothing's got her heart-8
She placed it there before the start-8
Of making sure their lives would part-8
And now she knows that this was smart -8
For nothing now can hold her there-8
The Nothing's taken all her care-8
It seems that this is just what's fair-8
After finding him in his affair-9
The Nothing simply kept her whole -8
Which really was her only goal-8
And now The Nothing takes it's toll-8
She's left with naught to heal her soul-8
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart
Poet of the Month
March 2011
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart
Poet of the Month
March 2011
-
- Melpomenes Heiress
- Posts: 552
- Joined: Wed May 05, 2010 9:49 am
- Location: My Ocean of Dreams
- Contact:
Re: The Nothing
How about this...
The Nothing's written on her face.
She stares at him in his disgrace
Which leaves him there without a trace
Of any hope for her embrace
The Nothing inundates her smile
She keeps on smiling all the while
She throws his clothes into the pile
Upon the dirty kitchen tile
The Nothing creeps into her eyes
As she recounts his many lies
Throughout this list he sits and cries
Declaring that he really tries
You see The Nothing's got her heart
She placed it there before the start
Of making sure their lives would part
And now she knows that this was smart
For nothing now can hold her there
The Nothing's taken all her care
It seems that this is just what's fair
After learning of his affair
The Nothing simply kept her whole
Which really was her only goal
And now The Nothing takes it's toll
She's left with naught to heal her soul
The Nothing's written on her face.
She stares at him in his disgrace
Which leaves him there without a trace
Of any hope for her embrace
The Nothing inundates her smile
She keeps on smiling all the while
She throws his clothes into the pile
Upon the dirty kitchen tile
The Nothing creeps into her eyes
As she recounts his many lies
Throughout this list he sits and cries
Declaring that he really tries
You see The Nothing's got her heart
She placed it there before the start
Of making sure their lives would part
And now she knows that this was smart
For nothing now can hold her there
The Nothing's taken all her care
It seems that this is just what's fair
After learning of his affair
The Nothing simply kept her whole
Which really was her only goal
And now The Nothing takes it's toll
She's left with naught to heal her soul
Re: The Nothing
Much better flow now. Bravo
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart
Poet of the Month
March 2011
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart
Poet of the Month
March 2011
Re: The Nothing
-----------------------------
My Jesus hung out with thieves and sluts and liars, which Jesus do you worship?
---Todd Agnew
Perfection is my enemy
Procrastination is his cohort
Persistence is my sword
---Gordy
My Jesus hung out with thieves and sluts and liars, which Jesus do you worship?
---Todd Agnew
Perfection is my enemy
Procrastination is his cohort
Persistence is my sword
---Gordy
Re: The Nothing
without it she could never bear
finally ending this affair
seems like this might flow a little better than
It seems that this is just what's fair
After finding him in his affair
just a thought
finally ending this affair
seems like this might flow a little better than
It seems that this is just what's fair
After finding him in his affair
just a thought
Linda Lee
almost human.
almost human.
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- Melpomenes Heiress
- Posts: 552
- Joined: Wed May 05, 2010 9:49 am
- Location: My Ocean of Dreams
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Re: The Nothing
I like it but it sounds a little as if she is the "other woman" rather than having found him with another woman.... a good change to ponder though. Thank you.
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