Satin horrors helpless in its web
Surveying landscapes of endless sea
In a drifting breeze that flows and ebbs
Cautious, it struggles to keep me free
Where appaling nightmares lie in wait
It captures the terrors one by one
My sanity is a fragile trait
Desperately longing for morning sun
The daylight plays across endless waves
Begging the tangible take its hold
The dream catcher grasps at rest it craves
As another screaming fear unfolds
The beaded strings can not bear the load
Ripped and tearing it comes bleeding through
Pooling, the horror engulfs the road
To be sure I wade through what is true
Dream Catcher (Revision 3)
Moderator: bags123
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- Melpomenes Heiress
- Posts: 552
- Joined: Wed May 05, 2010 9:49 am
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Dream Catcher (Revision 3)
Last edited by Jadynara on Fri Jul 23, 2010 4:13 am, edited 4 times in total.
Re: Dream Catcher
Hi Jady,....Great topic for a poem. I love DreamCatchers. Those and wind chimes. I've got several of both. Although you've attempted to rhyme in an ABAB type of sequence,...the meter seems to be off a bit. If I were you I'd attempt to make the sylabels equal on the rhyming lines. It would flow much better.
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart
Poet of the Month
March 2011
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart
Poet of the Month
March 2011
-
- Melpomenes Heiress
- Posts: 552
- Joined: Wed May 05, 2010 9:49 am
- Location: My Ocean of Dreams
- Contact:
Re: Dream Catcher
been working with it bags... not sure if i can change it and keep the meaning... will post update after more attempts
Re: Dream Catcher
Dream Catcher lies silently in wait
"just doesn't flow for me. It's uneven,..imploying very unnatural speech dynamics"
Satin horrors helpless in his web
"Overall,... I like this line. I would change "his" to it's. Thereby removing any gender identification with said,..Dream Catcher". Other than that,...nice work here. IMHO you might even want to start the poem with this line,..and with each successive line give another clue to the subject of the poem,...finally identified in the end,...as a Dream Catcher. But I digress,...sorry.
My sanity in a fragil state
" Again,..it's just clumsy English in an attempt to keep it to nine counts. Normally,...someone would say " My Sanity "is" in a fragile state,...but of course if you did that,...you'd be at 10 counts instead of the require nine.
Drifiting in the Oceans flow and ebb.
"Again,...a wonderful line,...especially if it adjoins another such line. For example:
"Satin horrors helpless in its web-(line one)
Drifting in the breeze that flows, and ebbs"(line two)
I think this could be a really great poem with a little reworking on your part. Normally I don't critique,...but since you asked.
"just doesn't flow for me. It's uneven,..imploying very unnatural speech dynamics"
Satin horrors helpless in his web
"Overall,... I like this line. I would change "his" to it's. Thereby removing any gender identification with said,..Dream Catcher". Other than that,...nice work here. IMHO you might even want to start the poem with this line,..and with each successive line give another clue to the subject of the poem,...finally identified in the end,...as a Dream Catcher. But I digress,...sorry.
My sanity in a fragil state
" Again,..it's just clumsy English in an attempt to keep it to nine counts. Normally,...someone would say " My Sanity "is" in a fragile state,...but of course if you did that,...you'd be at 10 counts instead of the require nine.
Drifiting in the Oceans flow and ebb.
"Again,...a wonderful line,...especially if it adjoins another such line. For example:
"Satin horrors helpless in its web-(line one)
Drifting in the breeze that flows, and ebbs"(line two)
I think this could be a really great poem with a little reworking on your part. Normally I don't critique,...but since you asked.
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart
Poet of the Month
March 2011
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart
Poet of the Month
March 2011
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