I was wondering if anyone could give me feedback on this poem. Please don't hesitate to be honest. Thanks Everyone!
The News/Natural Mystic
By Elliott Baker
The people of the world continue their lives tonight.
No one knows of their internal cry.
Down deep everyone needs their mama.
Rebellions against sorrow believe that light is coming.
They know it is close.
They do not think there is truth in the news.
One must find themselves.
How do you decide?
Society tells you that everything is alright, but the only truth lies in music.
There have been prophecies that said sound above all will make them hear.
Everything they know is unclear.
They think they know the sound in their ears, but they hear lies.
They only hear mono-tones.
We the free people hear dreams and fairytales.
We choose not to limit children.
You make them watch television, and you kill all traces of their imagination.
You stuff them so full of information that you make them loathe reading.
You would think you could be decent, but you do not even shed a tear for everything that is purely natural.
You destroy nature and it’s mystic qualities.
You even poison your own air!
Open your ears and listen!
Start living life and listen carefully.
People will speak sounding like trumpets.
They will help till you kill their last prophet.
Then you are doomed to suffer.
If you don’t head this warning ask yourself, why didn’t I listen to them, why?
The News/Natural Mystic
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Re: The News/Natural Mystic
To my reading it seems awfully dry. A lot of references to "you, we, they, the people, everyone" all rather vague. There is no real passion in this piece. It's almost like a lecture. I think you have the beginning of a concept you are trying to convey, but it needs a bit more "feeling" and less "telling". I am always told when writing poetry "show me, make me feel it" don't "tell me".
Here's a suggestion for just the beginning of the piece that may give you more "flesh" and less "broth":
Life continues tonight
and none will hear your inner cry
for mama.
Rebel and believe the light is coming
closer
but is there truth in the news?
... and so forth... try to keep your basic concept, but move away from the dry lecture.
However, this being said, please note that this is one opinion. It is your piece and you must be the one to decide where you wish to take it.
Cheers!
Here's a suggestion for just the beginning of the piece that may give you more "flesh" and less "broth":
Life continues tonight
and none will hear your inner cry
for mama.
Rebel and believe the light is coming
closer
but is there truth in the news?
... and so forth... try to keep your basic concept, but move away from the dry lecture.
However, this being said, please note that this is one opinion. It is your piece and you must be the one to decide where you wish to take it.
Cheers!
An' it harm none, do what ye will. Blessed Be.
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Re: The News/Natural Mystic
thank you for the input. i really appreciate it. ill get to work haha.
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