The Mistake
Moderator: bags123
The Mistake
One night. One mistake.
Now she contemplates.
To rid herself of this precious life.
She feels a flutter,
a real human being.
She's too young,
being only 16.
Her dreams vanish with the decision she makes.
She holds a little girl,
pink with a lustrious cry.
A mistake they call the babe.
But to her, she's an angel with blue eyes.
This is a rough draft and I need to know how to improve it.
Now she contemplates.
To rid herself of this precious life.
She feels a flutter,
a real human being.
She's too young,
being only 16.
Her dreams vanish with the decision she makes.
She holds a little girl,
pink with a lustrious cry.
A mistake they call the babe.
But to her, she's an angel with blue eyes.
This is a rough draft and I need to know how to improve it.
- heinzs
- The Fat Cat
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Re: The Mistake
An' it harm none, do what ye will. Blessed Be.
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My Poet's Page Archive | Topics I've started
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- Mistress of the South
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Re: The Mistake
I like what you're saying here -- it's a powerful message.
I wonder if the word "precious" in the 3rd line is perhaps not quite right. Not that the unborn child is not precious, but at the moment the young woman must make the decision the child is not yet "precious" to her. She has to decide the child's value or preciousness. -- Just a thought.
Also, I would suggest changing the word "vanish" -- her dreams don't necessarily vanish with the choice she makes, they transform into other dreams.
Love the way you wrapped it up -- the last line is so great.
I wonder if the word "precious" in the 3rd line is perhaps not quite right. Not that the unborn child is not precious, but at the moment the young woman must make the decision the child is not yet "precious" to her. She has to decide the child's value or preciousness. -- Just a thought.
Also, I would suggest changing the word "vanish" -- her dreams don't necessarily vanish with the choice she makes, they transform into other dreams.
Love the way you wrapped it up -- the last line is so great.
Re: The Mistake
Thanx. ill definitely change the words. I see your point on those two words.
- heinzs
- The Fat Cat
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Re: The Mistake
We are a very slow group to respond... lol
One careless night,
and now she contemplates
ridding herself of this "problem".
She feels the flutter
as it stirs.
Only 16,
her dreams vanish with her decision.
She holds her little girl,
pink and crying loudly...
a mistake to some,
but to her, an angel with blue eyes.
I'd tend to minimalize this a lot and drop as much of the "storytelling" tone as possible. Here's one possibility for you to consider as a direction to go:One night. One mistake.
Now she contemplates.
To rid herself of this precious life.
She feels a flutter,
a real human being.
She's too young,
being only 16.
Her dreams vanish with the decision she makes.
She holds a little girl,
pink with a lustrious cry.
A mistake they call the babe.
But to her, she's an angel with blue eyes.
One careless night,
and now she contemplates
ridding herself of this "problem".
She feels the flutter
as it stirs.
Only 16,
her dreams vanish with her decision.
She holds her little girl,
pink and crying loudly...
a mistake to some,
but to her, an angel with blue eyes.
An' it harm none, do what ye will. Blessed Be.
***************************************
My Poet's Page Archive | Topics I've started
Re: The Mistake
Thanks for the suggestion and I like that style of writing too. The kind that makes you think and fill in the blanks.
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- Clearwater Poet
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Re: The Mistake
The narrative tone isn't heightened with an emotionally- charged language and a surplus of images.The unbearble simplicity sweeps off
the real worth of the poem which is otherwise a superb imaginative rendition.You could still charge it with imagistic frills.
the real worth of the poem which is otherwise a superb imaginative rendition.You could still charge it with imagistic frills.
Written seven books of poetry.,and many of the poems are anthologised and critiqued.Won poetry awards like the Poet of the Merit Award from USA,and from Poets India.
- Moushka
- Blue Sea Poet
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Re: The Mistake
I thought for the word precious.......putting a word saying kind of the life she thought she had.........kind of like 'this illusion of life"........I couldn't help but think of Dr. Hook's song, don't know the correct title but "She was Only Sixteen"......she was too young to fall in love......in your poem I thought of the little girl that she's holding would be herself......and I like what Leysa said about the word 'vanish'.....I don't know what kind of mistake it was though.....whether it was a mistake in love or in life's endeavors or what.....good rough draft.....I really like the concepts......
Stuck on Number 2. Learning to begin.
1.Believe 2.Belong 3.Become
1.Awareness 2.Acceptance 3.Action
1.Believe 2.Belong 3.Become
1.Awareness 2.Acceptance 3.Action
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