my thief

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may

my thief

Post by may » Fri Jan 25, 2008 10:30 am

I wonder where you went when you stole my heart
I wonder how you crept across the room that night
While I slept with that fool’s smile on my lips
Did you laugh as you did it?
Celebrate your cunning?
I wonder where you took it

I wonder if you’re happy in a cheap hotel room
I wonder if you’re sitting back, breathing deep
Admiring you haul
Like a practised thief
It’s just I’d like it back you see.
After all, it belongs to me.

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heinzs
The Fat Cat
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Re: my thief

Post by heinzs » Sat Jan 26, 2008 12:33 pm

I like this one, may. I'm not sure how I'd "alter" it to tighten it up a bit. Perhaps another reading might be enlightening.

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Graeme
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Location: Arizona

Re: my thief

Post by Graeme » Sat Feb 09, 2008 7:40 am

I enjoyed reading this. Can't think of a change.
This above all to thine own self be true.

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snorple
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Posts: 157
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Re: my thief

Post by snorple » Sat Feb 09, 2008 4:10 pm

I didn't really like it at all, you have something to say and I can see that well enough just wonder if you should write it out as poetic prose and have done with it. It a sad subject, a stolen heart, or should it be a broken heart? But then you make light of it in the very last libe. I don't think you style has merit at all with what you wish to get over to us.


snorple

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jeannerené
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Re: my thief

Post by jeannerené » Sun Feb 10, 2008 11:59 am

may wrote:I wonder where you went when you stole my heart
I wonder how you crept across the room that night
While I slept with that fool’s smile on my lips
Did you laugh as you did it?
Celebrate your cunning?
I wonder where you took it

I wonder if you’re happy in a cheap hotel room
I wonder if you’re sitting back, breathing deep
Admiring you haul
Like a practised thief
It’s just I’d like it back you see.
After all, it belongs to me.
Each of us can develop a personal and effective style in time, through trial and error and constructive criticism.
Let's see if I can offer a few suggestions with the first stanza,

Behind what shadow
were you hidden when you stole my heart
I wonder of how you crept so silently
across the room that night
while I slept with a fool’s smile on my lips
Did you laugh as you slipped my heart into your pocket,
celebrate your cunning?
I wonder where you took my still beating love.

...May.. if you have a phrase such as "where you went" say anything but "went". You need to find a more descriptive term/word in which to express a simple or common word/or message. I hope that makes sense. Never ... never... say "it" such as in your last "I wonder where you took it" ...

I hope my suggestions will help you find your own personal voice....
... and his words purge up and outward,
expelled and onward through desert dust swallowed,
sands he says that gorge on simple sensibilities.
And, now he spits fragments, grit, extended vowels and elongated syllables
over cracked lips. Their sounds fall
piling round his boots…
~ jeannerené

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~breathe~


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nrip4life
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Re: my thief

Post by nrip4life » Mon Apr 21, 2008 11:33 am

written well my only inclination is to wonder what "it" is.......
Old too soon, smart too late....-anonymous

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