my thief

Come on in to give and receive critique, suggestions or help with work in progress or finished pieces. Any format welcome.

Moderator: bags123

Post Reply
User avatar
may

my thief

Post by may » Fri Jan 25, 2008 10:30 am

I wonder where you went when you stole my heart
I wonder how you crept across the room that night
While I slept with that fool’s smile on my lips
Did you laugh as you did it?
Celebrate your cunning?
I wonder where you took it

I wonder if you’re happy in a cheap hotel room
I wonder if you’re sitting back, breathing deep
Admiring you haul
Like a practised thief
It’s just I’d like it back you see.
After all, it belongs to me.

User avatar
heinzs
The Fat Cat
Posts: 8402
Joined: Tue Dec 18, 2001 12:01 am
Tag line: Do no harm
Location: Novato, CA
Contact:

Re: my thief

Post by heinzs » Sat Jan 26, 2008 12:33 pm

I like this one, may. I'm not sure how I'd "alter" it to tighten it up a bit. Perhaps another reading might be enlightening.

:thumbsup:
**************************************
An' it harm none, do what ye will. Blessed Be.
Image
***************************************
My Poet's Page Archive | Topics I've started

User avatar
Graeme
Seafoam Poet
Posts: 267
Joined: Sat Mar 17, 2007 12:56 pm
Location: Arizona

Re: my thief

Post by Graeme » Sat Feb 09, 2008 7:40 am

I enjoyed reading this. Can't think of a change.
This above all to thine own self be true.

Image

snorple
Seafoam Poet
Posts: 157
Joined: Fri Feb 17, 2006 4:30 am

Re: my thief

Post by snorple » Sat Feb 09, 2008 4:10 pm

I didn't really like it at all, you have something to say and I can see that well enough just wonder if you should write it out as poetic prose and have done with it. It a sad subject, a stolen heart, or should it be a broken heart? But then you make light of it in the very last libe. I don't think you style has merit at all with what you wish to get over to us.


snorple

User avatar
jeannerené
Winter's Rose
Posts: 686
Joined: Thu Jul 04, 2002 12:01 am
Location: CA

Re: my thief

Post by jeannerené » Sun Feb 10, 2008 11:59 am

may wrote:I wonder where you went when you stole my heart
I wonder how you crept across the room that night
While I slept with that fool’s smile on my lips
Did you laugh as you did it?
Celebrate your cunning?
I wonder where you took it

I wonder if you’re happy in a cheap hotel room
I wonder if you’re sitting back, breathing deep
Admiring you haul
Like a practised thief
It’s just I’d like it back you see.
After all, it belongs to me.
Each of us can develop a personal and effective style in time, through trial and error and constructive criticism.
Let's see if I can offer a few suggestions with the first stanza,

Behind what shadow
were you hidden when you stole my heart
I wonder of how you crept so silently
across the room that night
while I slept with a fool’s smile on my lips
Did you laugh as you slipped my heart into your pocket,
celebrate your cunning?
I wonder where you took my still beating love.

...May.. if you have a phrase such as "where you went" say anything but "went". You need to find a more descriptive term/word in which to express a simple or common word/or message. I hope that makes sense. Never ... never... say "it" such as in your last "I wonder where you took it" ...

I hope my suggestions will help you find your own personal voice....
... and his words purge up and outward,
expelled and onward through desert dust swallowed,
sands he says that gorge on simple sensibilities.
And, now he spits fragments, grit, extended vowels and elongated syllables
over cracked lips. Their sounds fall
piling round his boots…
~ jeannerené

Image

~breathe~


flickr -jeannerene photostream

User avatar
nrip4life
prophet poet
Posts: 259
Joined: Fri Jul 16, 2004 11:20 am
Location: Inside the outside
Contact:

Re: my thief

Post by nrip4life » Mon Apr 21, 2008 11:33 am

written well my only inclination is to wonder what "it" is.......
Old too soon, smart too late....-anonymous

Image

Post Reply

Return to “Workshop/Critiques Wanted”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests