Short Journeys

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Eyes Unclouded

Short Journeys

Post by Eyes Unclouded » Tue Jan 08, 2008 5:51 pm

Its weight is heavy power,
This hammer clutched in my hand.
On the blacktop of my quite street,
I sit with a common rock.
My arm rises like the second hand over
the top of clock. It falls
and the world quakes.
A fissure slithers across the face
of the rock, halving it.

My breath sweeps across the stone’s core
carrying away pedrstrain chips and dust.
First a spark, two, then a soft shimmer is revealed.
I see the 3am lights of a city that
blinks at me with sleepy glitters.
All around are high rises, dark
and empty excpet for a few illumiunated windows.
Why are these people awake?
Who are they? Who do they love?
I wonder. My footfalls echo against
glass and steel exploring one way streets, alleys, and blocks.

The lights go dark one by one,
the city fades to black. The rock
is dull, and I realized the sun has set.
Rising, I walk home with my hammer.

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heinzs
The Fat Cat
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Re: Short Journeys

Post by heinzs » Sat Jan 26, 2008 12:23 pm

I like this tale.
All around are high rises, dark
and empty excpet for a few illumiunated windows.
Why are these people awake?
indicates you have already realized that the sun has set, making the statement in the last stanza a bit awkward in context and time. Perhaps:

The lights go dark one by one,
the city fades to black. The rock
becomes dull again and I rise
to walk home with my hammer.
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toshi_becca

Re: Short Journeys

Post by toshi_becca » Mon Feb 11, 2008 1:59 pm

It is a bit disjointing. As I was reading it I was confused for a moment at the middle, thinking I'd missed something but I hadn't. It's hard to place a time and location but I think I have it figured out. I like the words and lines but I feel like I prefer the beginning and the end over the middle. :2cents: I think the work is good, however. :mrgreen:

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Graeme
Seafoam Poet
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Joined: Sat Mar 17, 2007 12:56 pm
Location: Arizona

Re: Short Journeys

Post by Graeme » Mon Feb 11, 2008 8:35 pm

Perhaps you could have the moon rising?
This above all to thine own self be true.

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jeannerené
Winter's Rose
Posts: 686
Joined: Thu Jul 04, 2002 12:01 am
Location: CA

Re: Short Journeys

Post by jeannerené » Mon Feb 11, 2008 11:55 pm

... hum ...

Interesting ... as if "he with the hammer" is creating or finding a new world in a common rock found on the street. Almost a feeling of a god ... splitting the rock ... blowing the dust away ... seeing a civilization. The very same or similar world as walks the creator... a world of loneliness... a world again seeking, waiting for love.

In the last stanza the sun sets in the new world... the rock tossed aside and the creator walking home in his already dark world. (There are two different clocks in this poem) As the hammer hangs limp at his side I since a feeling of hopelessness... a futility steeped in sorrow..........

... very unique poem... you have to read it a couple of times and taking the time to grab hold of the image with each phrase ...........

It is a difficult poem to take in with one reading.... I am not sure how I would improve or lessen that difficulty... and I'm not sure if I would even suggest to. To make the poem more obvious would take away from it's puzzle .. its uniqueness ....

.j.
... and his words purge up and outward,
expelled and onward through desert dust swallowed,
sands he says that gorge on simple sensibilities.
And, now he spits fragments, grit, extended vowels and elongated syllables
over cracked lips. Their sounds fall
piling round his boots…
~ jeannerené

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~breathe~


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Mightfall
Clearwater Poet
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Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 11:19 pm
Location: Whitehorse, Yukon

Re: Short Journeys

Post by Mightfall » Tue Feb 19, 2008 1:53 pm

heinzs wrote:I like this tale.
All around are high rises, dark
and empty excpet for a few illumiunated windows.
Why are these people awake?
indicates you have already realized that the sun has set, making the statement in the last stanza a bit awkward in context and time. Perhaps:

The lights go dark one by one,
the city fades to black. The rock
becomes dull again and I rise
to walk home with my hammer.

or another indication of night that brings a new perspective

replace the sunset line with..


under deathly silent stars
absolute darkness chilling m
smiling in my isolation

etc.
just about endless really.. as Heinzs said the line almost suggest that the sun has set just now in the poem
"You leapt into the abyss, but find, It only goes up to your knees"... Nick Cave

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