In Keeping Home

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frailandfrayed

In Keeping Home

Post by frailandfrayed » Fri Jan 04, 2008 4:48 am

I wish to write to you of your loss dear child,
but words settle upon the bird perched wires
and trail of sun that leads to your home,
they flicker and fall
with the dust upon your sill,
where grieving has left you with deaf ears,
and blindness to the day.

While recovery is only a step away, beyond your walls;
in the undiscovered joys of abandoned rooms,
and times unspent;
After tidying up that last event, and leaving it as it was
in your mind,
the banners, the streams-
the corks and shutes
of new year and a thousand house-warming gifts,
unopened.
And now the rug bears no stain,
but shadow and light,
and the bed is still neatly made.

And your world continues to fade,
behind the storms, the blinds and bleary pane,
and the darkness of your day.

And words are lost, dear child,
lost among the draft that passes through,
and the heaving past upon your lap,
ever since he's gone away.

But you always used to say, that
love would last forever.
Always within your eyes,
that spark that danced the music of another time,
the danger, the subdued cry;

memories were not meant to imprison.

My child, I feel I should run to you,
but there are places that stand in my way,
I do not wish to invade your world,
or sully your memory
of the day.

For pain is the breath of madness,
and all too often believed-
it is the fog that lines our windows,
until it is wiped away.

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bags123
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Re: In Keeping Home

Post by bags123 » Fri Jan 04, 2008 6:40 am

Wow!! This is outstanding work. I'm extremely impressed. :cheers:
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


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Graeme
Seafoam Poet
Posts: 267
Joined: Sat Mar 17, 2007 12:56 pm
Location: Arizona

Re: In Keeping Home

Post by Graeme » Fri Jan 04, 2008 9:10 pm

The pain in this poem screams to be heard. I only have a couple of things that I might suggest - just tightening of wording, really.

and blindness to the day. omit this line.

While recovery is only a step away, beyond your walls; Omit "while"

ever since he's gone away. change to "he went"

But you always used to say, that
love would last forever.
change to:
"You always used to say
That love would last forever."

but there are places that stand in my way, omit
"But" I do not wish to invade your world, move the but to this line
This above all to thine own self be true.

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BeeJay
Babbling Brook Poet
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Tag line: A Future in Words
Location: Hyderabad India
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Re: In Keeping Home

Post by BeeJay » Sat Feb 09, 2008 9:16 am

I read it. Little confused. Maybe you could sort of tighten it. Im stumped.__________________BeeJay
If the Universe was a little smaller , I may just be able to reach out to you. Copyright © 2009 Baru Gobira

snorple
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Re: In Keeping Home

Post by snorple » Sat Feb 09, 2008 3:50 pm

very nice.

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BeeJay
Babbling Brook Poet
Posts: 355
Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2007 9:02 am
Tag line: A Future in Words
Location: Hyderabad India
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Re: In Keeping Home

Post by BeeJay » Sat Feb 09, 2008 4:12 pm

For pain is the breath of madness
is a memorable line and don't worry too much about my ramblings. On second and third reading things are a lot clearer to me and Im beginning to enjoy your style using a "comforting pace of narration" that is in itself soothening.______BeeJay
If the Universe was a little smaller , I may just be able to reach out to you. Copyright © 2009 Baru Gobira

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jeannerené
Winter's Rose
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Joined: Thu Jul 04, 2002 12:01 am
Location: CA

Re: In Keeping Home

Post by jeannerené » Sun Feb 10, 2008 11:32 am

Truly enjoyed your poem. My first reaction I must say was also "great poem" but needs a little tightening. I would suggest removing some unnecessary words ... and...the...there are quite a few which could be removed and your thought still be intact...

.. all in all ... it was a pleasure to read...

.j.
... and his words purge up and outward,
expelled and onward through desert dust swallowed,
sands he says that gorge on simple sensibilities.
And, now he spits fragments, grit, extended vowels and elongated syllables
over cracked lips. Their sounds fall
piling round his boots…
~ jeannerené

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~breathe~


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