Dark

[snorple]

The

[Eyes Unclouded]

For starters I think you use imagery beautifuly in the first stanza.

One thing i found distracting was the lack of punctuation, I was unsure how the poem was supposed to be read. I assume it was to be read pausing at each line break but i don't know if thats is the most effective way.

Also i was lost by ur last stanza. You were very concrete in showing me the images in the first stanza, then ur last stanza is abstract and distant.

I don't think every poem needs to have a grand statement about life, but to do think that the poem should be making some bigger picture message.

This is a great start and by working on the message of your poem and how you get off stage it will progress even more.

[bags123]

Hi Snorple,...I keep reading the last two lines with every known English accent in the world. Why would you have 4 lines of 8 syls each followed by two lines one of 11 syls,..... and the last with 10 syls? I think the problem is with the words you've chosen to end the two lines with: Oblivion,.... and Kingdom.
One's 3 syls,... and one's 2 syls,... and try as you might,..... they're close,..... but they just don't rhyme. Sorry. On the plus side,.... I liked the imagery. I'm always a sucker for good Fall imagery. Anyway,.... I think if you put a quick 10 syls repair job on those last two lines,..... and make them rhyme better. It'll be close to excellent.

[Graeme]

Wending their way into rustic oblivion
Descending into the darkened kingdom

perhaps:
They wend into oblivion
as they descend (can't think of a word to help you here - sorry)

I too love fall poems.

[snorple]

Thanks guys, I have changed the last line to please you sylable counters; I never knew they existed in this forum, and added puntucation.

I liked it as it was but it doesn't seem to have lost anything in the change.


regards


snorple