Wolfy

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soullesspoet

Wolfy

Post by soullesspoet » Fri Aug 03, 2007 1:09 pm

in my mind's eye
I see you dressed in black; jeans and a simple t-shirt
head slightly bent
your eyes gleam in that special way
like you're some demonic child
your hair falls into your eyes
as you stand knee deep in water
with nothing else around you
-no trees and a grey sky overhead-
a single blood red rose
you hold in your hand
loosely, as though you might drop it at any moment
yet you manage
to somehow get pricked by the thorns
so your blood drips, as if in slow motion,
onto the water at various intervals
while your other hand
slowly plucks each petal off the rose
and drops them onto the water
almost in time with your blood
and from a certain angle
I can see tears falling solemnly
onto the water
mixing with the blood as the petals slowly drift away

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Graeme
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Location: Arizona

Post by Graeme » Fri Aug 03, 2007 2:09 pm

What I would do is - cut away excess wording - allow your images to stand up and be seen

In my mind's eye
I see you dressed in black:
jeans
a simple t-shirt.
head slightly bent
your eyes gleaming
like some demonic child
your hair falling into your eyes
as you stand knee deep in water
with nothing around you
You loosely hold
a single blood red rose
in your hand
yet you manage
to prick your thumb
on a throrn
so your blood drips
into the water
while you carefully pluck
each rose petal
and drop it into the water
in time with the droplets
from a certain angle
I see tears falling solemnly
mixing with the blood and petals
as they slowly drift away

This is not to say - this is how this poem should be written.

I did not punctuate your poem - that is up to you.

One of the reasons I so love poetry is the creation of powerful images by cutting away all excess verbage.

Thanks for asking for a critique - revising is my favorite part of writing.
This above all to thine own self be true.

Image

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soullesspoet

Post by soullesspoet » Fri Aug 03, 2007 3:06 pm

how about:

in my mind's eye
I see you dressed in black;
jeans
a simple t-shirt
head slightly bent
your eyes gleam
like some demonic child
your hair falls into your eyes
as you stand knee deep in water
nothing around you
you loosely hold the blood red rose in your hand
as if you might drop it
you still manage
to cut yourself deeply
on the wicked thorns
so your blood drips
into the water
while you pluck each petal
off the rose
and drop it onto the water
almost timed with the droplets
and from a certain angle
I see your tears fall solemnly
mixing with the blood
as the petals slowly drift away



I wanted to keep some of the imagery the same
but is this still ok?

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Graeme
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Posts: 267
Joined: Sat Mar 17, 2007 12:56 pm
Location: Arizona

Post by Graeme » Fri Aug 03, 2007 4:26 pm

Sure - I can see your images - and feel the anguish.
This above all to thine own self be true.

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Eyes Unclouded

Re: Wolfy

Post by Eyes Unclouded » Tue Jan 08, 2008 5:34 pm

I want to start by saying i agree with Graeme and that the imagery throughout the poem is excellent. Also I think you should punctuate the poem. With commas and periods, you can use pauses to really crush the reader. I think the line from your original draft "a single blood red rose/ you hold in your hand[,]/ loosely..." is extremely powerful and with that little hitch in the speakers voice it is as though the speaker has just made a realization along with the reader. with pauses it reads closer to the way someone would actually think to themselves. On a different note i think you cut this poem down even farther making the syntax sharp and tough. The way I read it the speaker is emtional if not a little bitter and your sentences can definetly show this. by mixing in longer and shorter lines like "your eyes gleamed in that special way,/ a demonic child." or "yet you manage/to somehow get pricked by the thorns,/ blood drips, slow motion,/" the sparsity of the lines will lend them even more weight. This a powerful poem and i think it can only get better.

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Graeme
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Joined: Sat Mar 17, 2007 12:56 pm
Location: Arizona

Re: Wolfy

Post by Graeme » Wed Jan 09, 2008 7:38 am

Yes, you've come a long way.

I like that you removed the "ing" from some of the verbs. I've always felt that present, unaltered tense is strongest in poetry.

I probably will get creamed for this once again, but try playing with punctuation. I think one of the tricks is to Let your punctuation and line breaks guide the reader as to how you want the poem read. Stop the reader for emphasis. (even mid line) Split thoughts mid phrase from one line to next - to force the reader onward.
This above all to thine own self be true.

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psychotic pretender
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Re: Wolfy

Post by psychotic pretender » Wed Jan 09, 2008 10:18 am

i like the rewrite better

but i dont know about the adding punctuation part Graeme

i think it flows rather well

but then agian i aint no expert

so my advice aint worth much

i like it though

truely
/My first thought was, he lied in every word,
That hoary cripple, with malicious eye
....
......................................
...... And yet
Dauntless the slug-horn to my lips I set,
And blew. ``Childe Roland to the Dark Tower came.''

Childe Roland to the Dark Tower Came

Robert Browning 1812-1889

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