February Workshop - The Country Estate

[heinzs]

February Workshop – The Country Estate

Part one:

5 “sentences” beginning with: I remember…

I remember baking in the summer sun
a slight breeze wafting over me
and the sound of gulls high overhead

I remember the smoke from the chimney
rising into the autumn sky
playing tag with the clouds

I remember the children playing in the snow
impressions of “angels”, real and imagined
and long icicles dangling from the eaves

I remember robins and butterflies
vying for attention amidst the daisies
the bright colors blending into a single beauty

I remember all the births and deaths
the family generations
that made me more than a house…
a home.

Problem is that this sounds like a complete poem to me… my muse is like that and throws these things out from the aether.

Part two:

Here’s the first draft of the poem, with a few minor edits along the way:

Given to the last heir
I stand in stolid magnitude
robust and capable

I remember baking in the summer sun
a slight breeze wafting over me
and the sound of gulls high overhead

Will he care for me like my first master
or will he neglect me
In another series of hedonistic orgies?

I remember the smoke from the chimney
rising into the autumn sky
playing tag with the clouds

The red Ferrari in the garage
has little to say about him
I will just have to find out for myself

I remember the children playing in the snow
impressions of “angels”, real and imagined
and long icicles dangling from the eaves

He comes up the garden walk now
a lady exuding joy and light upon his arm
and… can I believe it? A boy of 8 with his dog!

I remember robins and butterflies
vying for attention amidst the daisies
the bright colors blending into a singularity of beauty

How I have longed for the touch of young toes
pattering on the tiles and hardwood floors
filling my emptiness with life

I remember all the births and deaths
the family generations
that made me more than a house…

I have a chance at long last
to once more be what I dream
to be a "home"…

HeinzS
060206

[heinzs]

Ok... here goes the "second" draft:

Inherited at long last
my solitude finally at an end

I remember baking in the summer sun
a slight breeze wafting over me
and the sound of gulls high overhead

Will he care for me or neglect me?
I have had my share of good and bad masters.

I remember the smoke from the chimney
rising into the autumn sky
playing tag with the clouds

The red Ferrari in the garage
seems unwilling to share his secrets

I remember the children playing in the snow
impressions of “angels”, real and imagined
and long icicles dangling from the eaves

Walking up the path, a lady upon his arm
and… can I believe it? A boy of 8 with his dog!

I remember robins and butterflies
vying for attention amidst the daisies
the bright colors blending into a singularity of beauty

How I have longed for the patter of young toes
filling my emptiness with life

I remember all the births and deaths
the family generations
that made me more than a house…

Will this be my chance to fulfill my dream
to be... a "home"…?

[Tom Watson]

Fascinating perspective, Heinz...the transition from "house" to "home".
I think there are enough "drafts" in this house.....hehehe

Tom

[ninian]

Problem is that this sounds like a complete poem to me… my muse is like that and throws these things out from the aether.

it does to me as well ....you should save it separately then :) perhaps you'll get two or more poems out of all this writing!!

nin

[ninian]

Ok... here goes the "second" draft:

Inherited at long last
my solitude finally at an end

I remember baking in the summer sun
a slight breeze wafting over me
and the sound of gulls high overhead

Will he care for me or neglect me?
I have had my share of good and bad masters.

I remember the smoke from the chimney
rising into the autumn sky
playing tag with the clouds

The red Ferrari in the garage
seems unwilling to share his secrets

I remember the children playing in the snow
impressions of “angels”, real and imagined
and long icicles dangling from the eaves

Walking up the path, a lady upon his arm
and… can I believe it? A boy of 8 with his dog!

I remember robins and butterflies
vying for attention amidst the daisies
the bright colors blending into a singularity of beauty

How I have longed for the patter of young toes
filling my emptiness with life

I remember all the births and deaths
the family generations
that made me more than a house…

Will this be my chance to fulfill my dream
to be... a "home"…?

i really love the whole idea of personification of a home...

but don't hate me

i find the shift in voices between the house's internal dialogue and the "i remember" portions is very sharp, a bit jarring to my ear...i might be inclined to rework those bits or leave them out entirely or just have a bit of them...i know not really helpful huh?

of course as always, this is your poem so take it, leave it or tell me to push off ;)

nin

[heinzs]

I was trying to create a noticeable "shift" from "past" (i.e. memory) to "present" (descriptor dialog). It's supposed to be a "break", but not jarring... LOL.

H.

[ninian]

oh i realised...but, to my ear, it is a tad...hmmm

the "i remember" lines are SO gentle and wistful and the other lines so formal...

don't get me wrong i absolutely love the idea and the switch back and forth, i just ...am not very helpful *giggles*

nin

[heinzs]

Third draft on line:
********************


Inherited at long last, the deed passed,
my solitude finally at an end.
He will care for me or neglect me
I have had my share of good and bad masters.

The Ferrari in the garage remains silent,
unwilling to share his secrets.
I'll have to discover for myself
what my future holds for me.

I remember baking in the summer sun
a slight breeze wafting over me
and the sound of gulls high overhead.

I remember the smoke from the chimney
rising into the autumn sky
playing tag with the clouds.

I remember the children playing in the snow,
the impressions of “angels”, real and imagined
and long icicles dangling from the eaves

I remember robins and butterflies
vying for attention amidst the daisies
the brightly swirling colors blending into a single beauty.

He comes at last
walking up the path, a lady upon his arm
and there, following close behind
a boy of 8 with his dog!

How I have longed
for the patter of young toes
and the voices of children
to fill my emptiness with life.

I remember all the births and deaths -
generations that made me more than a house -
I welcome this chance to fulfill my dream
to be a "home".

[ninian]

oh i like what you've done here....there is more poetry in the present tense lines than before and by clustering the i remember lines there is a wistfulness .... i feel this house, it has a presence and a personality!

ninian

[heinzs]

Thanks! Great exercise!

[heinzs]

We need someone to design some more workshops like this. It is a great exercise and gets the muse's juices moving.

[Mightfall]

We need someone to design some more workshops like this. It is a great exercise and gets the muse's juices moving.

If someone does do they hand them to you or do they just post them ?


------------

I wrote a poem from this but it wasn't a country estate poem, it was dark.

[heinzs]

If you have an idea for a workshop like this, just post it. That's what the worksho forum is for.

[Graeme]

Ok, Heinz, I really liked this idea for a workshop, and I want to try it.

So - I start in the present with personification of an object
step back into the past with 5 I remember statements
Come back to the present - is this a wish statment?

[heinzs]

Go for it Graeme!