Poet Reveal

Come on in to give and receive critique, suggestions or help with work in progress or finished pieces. Any format welcome.

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MJPease
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Poet Reveal

Post by MJPease » Mon Apr 25, 2005 7:22 am

Poet Reveal

Our Sky is threatening
As Heaven thrives above
Our Earth cries in anguish
My Hell flourishes beyond

Want of Humanities nourishment
Ignored for the want of nukes
Sabres rattle at wind mills, as
Informed poets reveal to you

Time appears to grow short, as
A Humble poet makes an appeal
Make words count, spelling too
Gods Children are counting on you

MJPease 4/25/2005

The Earth The Son and The moon

I have also posted this in the Critique group this morning. It's someting I thought about while driving in my car last night. Dam near went off the road trying to write it. :roll: If you wish please help me turn it into something good. Take Care
Last edited by MJPease on Tue Apr 26, 2005 8:10 am, edited 1 time in total.
Take me back, so far back, adjust this fate. Afeared lately of pen, in abscence of light. The fear I might stumble upon a plagiarized soul. Wipe this dark slate clean, regain my thought. Add the words that rekindle my depth of soul.

From: Summers Discontent 7-24-02

Sincerely

Michael J Pease

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Rafiki Moyo
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Post by Friend_forever » Mon Apr 25, 2005 10:42 am

Already given my thoughts on this excellent write at the critque forum :cool:
And as I watch you in this light
I never realized your eyes were full of
So many colors.
~ Jadynara

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Richard taylor

Post by Richard taylor » Mon Apr 25, 2005 11:02 am

Hi Michael I have changed a few words from a grammar point of view I know you wrote this quickly so I hope I have not changed it too much From your original premise, I found a few too many “want, count, in it which could Be a bit cliché though this is not my field of form just a few thoughts Michael Very good idea for a poem Best of luck with it.
Richard.


Our Sky now forever threatening,
once like a Heaven thriving above
Our Earth cries daily in anguish,
while inside My Hell flourishes beyond

the hope for Human nourishment
Ignored as they chase more nukes
Sabres rattle at wind mills, while
poor poets reveal the truth to you

Time quickly growing short, now as
the Humble writer makes this appeal
writing the words and spelling them out
for all Gods Children are counting on you

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MJPease
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Post by MJPease » Mon Apr 25, 2005 11:54 am

Hello Richard, Thanks for all your time and effort. I'd like to talk about your suggestions. When I felt this I wanted to get right to the point or punch so to speak. I didn't want to smooth it out or draw it out.
As you suggest:
(Our sky now forever threatening) is a smooth change from (Our Sky is threatening) Can you feel a punch in how I said it. If I'm reading this out loud my delievery would be as such. The punch and then the (as). You have taken the next line( The Heavens thrive above) and turned it to a past tense. In my heart I still want the heavens to be there thriving away. My third line again comes back with a quick punch. Then I hope that My hell waits beyond and is something at least in this piece is not inside. Such as my hell is being fought beyond in the middle east not with in myself. The first want has been recklessly traded by ignorant fools for the second want. Example the want of Food verse's the want of Nuclear power in North Korea. I'm not a poor poet I'm an informed Poet :lol: It is not pathetic to be a Poet or does a Poet need to have money. In fact most that I know wouldn't give a rats ass for money. All poets are rich with words. So I think I'll just say that your changes are smooth. Though the changes have changed what I was trying to convey. In fact your piece or version has to me a totally different meaning. I will wait for your thoughts. Take Care
Take me back, so far back, adjust this fate. Afeared lately of pen, in abscence of light. The fear I might stumble upon a plagiarized soul. Wipe this dark slate clean, regain my thought. Add the words that rekindle my depth of soul.

From: Summers Discontent 7-24-02

Sincerely

Michael J Pease

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Richard taylor

Post by Richard taylor » Mon Apr 25, 2005 12:48 pm

yes I fully understand, its just my way to pick up on grammar though sometimes it comes as you say out and the point needs to be made. I did make too many changes really the imagery is still there as it is I will look again at the poem later.
cheers
richard

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MJPease
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Post by MJPease » Mon Apr 25, 2005 1:05 pm

Hello Richard, We Poets have been given the gift of Poetic License. I am terrible in the use of grammer and I appreciate all the help I can get. It's just that at times grammer is not what I'm striving for. I guess this was one of those times. You've helped me to see that and I appreciate it. I have a feeling that you and I will have many discussions on this subject in the future and l look forward to it. Catch you later. Take Care
Take me back, so far back, adjust this fate. Afeared lately of pen, in abscence of light. The fear I might stumble upon a plagiarized soul. Wipe this dark slate clean, regain my thought. Add the words that rekindle my depth of soul.

From: Summers Discontent 7-24-02

Sincerely

Michael J Pease

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Richard taylor

Post by Richard taylor » Tue Apr 26, 2005 12:36 am

Hi Michael I have looked again at your poem Trying to keep in mind what you feel it should Convey i.e. the bleakness of the inner thoughts
The anger ex. I notice you use “as” 4 times as an end of line or a follow on to the next, that trips Me up I must confess to use it once ok but 4 times just comes over to me "cliché/fragment" on the first line I don’t think You need it really Michael the line works without it.

[The sky is threatening
The heavens thrive above]

Again on the third line reading it without the “as”
Works for me.

[Our earth cries in anguish
My hell flourishes beyond]

On the second verse it works Michael a nice lead into the
Next line. And maybe on the third too.
Just a few thoughts
Richard

Our Sky is threatening, as
The Heavens thrive above
Our Earth cries in anguish, as
My Hell flourishes beyond

Want for Humanities nourishment
Ignored for the want of nukes
Sabres rattle at wind mills, as
Informed poets reveal to you

Time appears to grow short, as
A Humble poet makes an appeal
Make words count, spelling too
Gods Children are counting on you

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MJPease
Quixotic Rambler
Posts: 1395
Joined: Fri Mar 01, 2002 12:01 am
Location: Clarence Center, NY

Post by MJPease » Tue Apr 26, 2005 8:06 am

Hello Richard, You're hell bent on turning this into something and I appreciate your time and entusiasm. I am indeed making your proposed edits. Let me know what you think when you have time.
Take me back, so far back, adjust this fate. Afeared lately of pen, in abscence of light. The fear I might stumble upon a plagiarized soul. Wipe this dark slate clean, regain my thought. Add the words that rekindle my depth of soul.

From: Summers Discontent 7-24-02

Sincerely

Michael J Pease

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MJPease
Quixotic Rambler
Posts: 1395
Joined: Fri Mar 01, 2002 12:01 am
Location: Clarence Center, NY

Post by MJPease » Tue Apr 26, 2005 8:12 am

I have a question for the Critique group members. Is there a traditional poetic form associated with this piece?
Take me back, so far back, adjust this fate. Afeared lately of pen, in abscence of light. The fear I might stumble upon a plagiarized soul. Wipe this dark slate clean, regain my thought. Add the words that rekindle my depth of soul.

From: Summers Discontent 7-24-02

Sincerely

Michael J Pease

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bags123
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Post by bags123 » Tue Apr 26, 2005 8:19 am

have a question for the Critique group members. Is there a traditional poetic form associated with this piece?
I believe I've commented on this when you originally posted it Michael,... so I won't be redundant,... but to answer your question,... I don't think it fits any particular form. You could however start your own form,... and a lovely one it would be. May I suggest "Michaelpeasian Rantameter",... similar in many respects to "Bagsonian Ventameter", except executed better. :mrgreen:
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


Poet of the Month
March 2011

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Richard taylor

Post by Richard taylor » Tue Apr 26, 2005 8:34 am

how about "my poetry"

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bags123
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Post by bags123 » Tue Apr 26, 2005 9:41 am

I love your poetry Richard. Most of which fits already established formats.
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


Poet of the Month
March 2011

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She WHAT?!
Clearwater Poet
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Joined: Thu Nov 04, 2004 6:43 pm
Location: USA

Post by She WHAT?! » Tue Apr 26, 2005 9:50 am

This poem doesn't follow any form that I know of. I can at least answer that.

The other thing is, this poem made me laugh. It has a punchline. After all this doom and gloom talk, you encourage poets to make words count. I assume your idea is that poets should use their power with words to tell the world about all these bad things.

Fine, but then you say to get the spelling right! True, but trivial compared to the bigger message. That's funny. It's like a satire on the kind of thing I critique poems for. People are starving, etc., and here I am criticizing poets on style, grammar, and of course spelling. So that's kind of cute.

Cheers,
Eliana
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She WHAT?!
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Post by She WHAT?! » Tue Apr 26, 2005 9:55 am

Okay, I have had a second thought. Most of your lines have four stresses. There is a kind of meter called "accentual" or "strong stress" meter. The accents don't come in a regular beat, but just the same number of accents per line. Your poem is close to that, so that is a better answer to your question about the form of this poem.



Eliana
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MJPease
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Post by MJPease » Tue Apr 26, 2005 10:59 am

Hello She WHAT?!, It is always very interesting to hear your view points. I'm glad that I made you laugh. Are you classically trained in the art of poetry? Your comments make it seem so. I'm not, and envy those that are. It's the same for me with my music. I'm self taught and just wing it, so to speak. I often at times wonder if anyone taught Shakespeare how to be Shakespeare or Walt Whitman how to be Whitman. If you know the answer to this or have any comments. I'd love to hear them. I have a strong ambition to find out which came first, thought or form. The inspirational, inviting thoughts of humankind or the form in which they're conveyed. Which is truely more important? Is Poetry with out form lacking or not maximizing it's potential. Your thoughts please, when you have time.
Take me back, so far back, adjust this fate. Afeared lately of pen, in abscence of light. The fear I might stumble upon a plagiarized soul. Wipe this dark slate clean, regain my thought. Add the words that rekindle my depth of soul.

From: Summers Discontent 7-24-02

Sincerely

Michael J Pease

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