Mother I Know This Hurts

[hockeychickkayla]

I'm sick of your apologies
I'm tired of your drama
I'm done with hearing you say "I'm trying."
You say you'll quit
You're killing me with every cigarette you smoke
I hate how you blame me of every little fucking thing you do
You say I'm not trying
You say I'm lazy
Well take a look at yourself
You don't even try
You say you're quitting
With every pack you buy daily
You're abusive
With harsh words and hits to my face
You spit at me and blind my eyes
So I can't see the "real you"
But I see anyways
You love him more
You could care less about me
Your own flesh and blood
I don't matter to you
I'm nothing in your eyes
You're dying
And I wanna be here for you
But you push me away
Your thyroid and celiac disease is killing you
Plus your stomach failure
You say you love me
But your actions say different
And I'll continue to stay
Until you're finally gone

[Jadynara]

I'm so sorry HCK. Smoking quickly has the ability to ruin lives the same way drugs do. Not that I'm getting down on smokers, but a lot of parents don't realise how it effects their kids. I'm sorry your mom is pushing you away. Perhaps she thinks if she pushes you away you won't hurt as badly when she passes. As mothers, when we face death.... when we are looking him in the eye, it is more than difficult to look at our children. Everytime we see them, we see the things we're going to miss. The way we will neve get to hold them through their heartbreaks, and rejoice in their happiness. Maybe the only way to keep her own heart from breakng is to hide from you. I am not excusing her actions, just showing you the perspective of a mother who has and may have to yet again face looking in my children's eyes knowing I may never wake to see them in the morning. It is more painful than anything you can imagine.

Best wishes and my sincere condolences.

Nic

[hockeychickkayla]

Thank you. I just wish she would see that its making it worse by pushing me away. her stomach is paralyzed, her diabetes is out of control and it has changed her so much. After she started smoking again things just went downhill. I'm just dreading the day when she'll be gone. It's going to kill me.

[Jadynara]

it will not kill you unless you let it. in the hardest times we find founts of strength we never even knew existed within ourselves.

[hockeychickkayla]

ok. thank you jady