Benjamin

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heinzs
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Benjamin

Post by heinzs » Sun Aug 13, 2006 3:36 pm

With his death anniversary rapidly approaching, I am moved to attempt to put my current thoughts to page. I'm not ready to post this in "Tribute" so would appreciate any feedback.

Benjamin

Twenty five years ago
your brown eyes opened upon this world
and your arms reached towards mine
to clutch a piece of my heart
that I so gladly gave
for you to keep forever.
I know you still hold it
for I can feel its separate beat
next to those of your siblings
and your sweet mother...
pieces of my heart
beating together as one
sustaining my life.
I live through all of you...
I am nothing by myself
but a quivering empty shell
devoid of spirit.
An angel holds you in its arms
making sure I can feel
that piece of my heart
beating
waiting for reunion
when I shall once again be whole
and our arms entwine.


HeinzS
8/13/06
Last edited by heinzs on Sat Aug 19, 2006 8:56 am, edited 2 times in total.
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gordy
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Post by gordy » Sun Aug 13, 2006 4:15 pm

i dont think i could critique something like that even if i wanted to......and i dont want to.......it seems great and powerful as it is...... :mrgreen:
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heinzs
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Post by heinzs » Sun Aug 13, 2006 4:45 pm

Thanks Gordy. That's feedback.


:cool:
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Ven
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Post by Ven » Mon Aug 14, 2006 10:04 am

I wholeheartedly agree with everything Gordy said :thumbsup:
.


"Forever is short thought when your skipping this close to the edge".

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heinzs
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Post by heinzs » Mon Aug 14, 2006 12:37 pm

Thanks ven!

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ninian
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Post by ninian » Mon Aug 14, 2006 5:05 pm

heinzs, i've read this a few times and i might have some suggestions if you'd like, but i get nervous critiquing a poem when the subject matter is so obviously close to the writer's heart...

ninian
Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.

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heinzs
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Post by heinzs » Mon Aug 14, 2006 5:15 pm

Well, the point is I'm not totally happy with it, so would greatly appreciate anything you might have to suggest.

:grin:
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crocbait
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Post by crocbait » Mon Aug 14, 2006 7:21 pm

It's Perfect!
:angel:

croc
Linda Lee

almost human.

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heinzs
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Post by heinzs » Mon Aug 14, 2006 8:21 pm

Thanks Linda!

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ninian
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Re: Benjamin

Post by ninian » Tue Aug 15, 2006 9:44 am

Okay, I'll preface my comments though, to state that I can't imagine how much a loss like this would hurt and how long the pain of it would last and my critique of your words as a work of poetry have no bearing on the raw emotion it is evident you feel about the loss of your son. I am looking at this from an objective impartial point of view.

First, ask yourself why you are writing this particular poem. Right now it is an intensely personal poem filled with raw emotion. If you are wanting to merely commemorate your son, write a tribute to his memory for yourself and those who are close to you, then I'd say leave it be. However, you state yourself that you are not completely happy with it.

Generally speaking, when a poet works at crafting a poem, though he or she may start with a personal event, there is an attempt at making it more universal, the sort of thing that others could read and say "oh I feel that way as well." Obviously, in the case of your poem's subject matter, there are not as many who would identify immediately with the feeling as, say, in a love poem, but the point is still valid.

In terms of pure poetic craft, there are too many words in this poem. What point is the poet attempting to make? Twenty-seven years ago, a son was born and the love the poet felt was overwhelming, humbling, making the poet realise that until that moment he was nothing. The point that the son died too early is illustrated in the line "An angel holds you in his arms" and the poet's desire to see that son again someday closes the poem. What I found a little unclear is the emptiness. Is the poet empty because of the loss of the son and he will be filled again when he sees the son again? or is he always empty? and if the loss of the son completely emptied him, what of the feelings for his other children, still alive, and his wife?

You might ask yourself, did Benjamin clutch a piece of your heart or is he, in fact, an actual piece of your heart? I know I've used that expression about my own children "these pieces of my heart walking around." Then the poignancy of the emptiness is driven home, in that a piece of your heart is no longer with you. That being said, I really love the sound of the line "clutch a piece of my heart," it rolls off the tongue when read aloud. I might be inclined to leave it in there.

I find the middle bit muddies the intensity of the feelings for Benjamin
for I can feel its separate beat
next to those of your siblings
and your sweet mother...
pieces of my heart
beating together as one
sustaining my life.
I live through all of you...
I am nothing by myself
but a quivering empty shell
devoid of spirit.
It feels to me that you put in the lines about the siblings and mother so that it didn't appear that somehow Benjamin meant more. But this is a poem about him and in my opinion this bit needs to be cut.

I've done a little moving around and editing of the poem to give you a feel for what I'm saying.

Twenty-five years ago,
brown eyes opened upon this world,
arms reached out and clutched
a piece of my heart which I
so gladly gave.
You hold it still.

An angel holds you
and the beat of my heart
counts the days until reunion
when I shall once again be whole
and our arms entwine.


Bottom line, though, is it is your poem. Take my comments as my own opinion and know that I will not be offended if you want to reject my ideas whole cloth.

Ninian
Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.

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heinzs
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Post by heinzs » Tue Aug 15, 2006 11:23 am

Cool, nin! Thanks. I was looking for the fully objective review that you have so eloquently provided. The problem for the poet is that the emotioin is much too close for him to be objective and creative at the same time. The purpose of the poem IS to commemorate the life of one small soul, albeit part of a greater "family". Indeed, the importance of that life and the event that ended it in this case takes precedence over the survivors and should, therefore, be allowed to stand alone.

Excellent revision... you have totally captured what I was trying to do.


Heinz

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BeeJay
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Post by BeeJay » Wed Apr 04, 2007 10:26 am

Heinz you have captured a slice of life that time has framed. We can but gaze silently, awed by the raw humility you bring to the poem. :bow: __________BeeJay

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Graeme
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Post by Graeme » Wed Apr 04, 2007 11:55 am

My only comment is I love these lines.
An angel holds you in its arms
making sure I can feel
that piece of my heart
beating
it so shows the depth of your love and faith.
This above all to thine own self be true.

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heinzs
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Post by heinzs » Wed Apr 04, 2007 12:57 pm

Thank you for your kind responses, BJ and Graeme.

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moonflower
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Post by moonflower » Wed Apr 04, 2007 1:29 pm

a simply beautiful tribute to your son..very moving and emotional, ending with a message of hope..its lovely Heinzs.. :thumbsup: :grin:
inside each soul there is music...let the music play..

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