Rest in Peace Santa

Humor and Nonsense, Poetry and Prose. Come on in for a laugh!

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Phoenix J. Star
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Rest in Peace Santa

Post by Phoenix J. Star » Tue Dec 13, 2005 1:39 pm

Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring,
except for the neighbor's dog
who wouldn't stop barking.

The childrens was all tucked
into bed in hopes that St. Nicholas
would soon there to bring them toys because
Mommy and Daddy work minimum wage
jobs and have lots of bills to pay and
they knew they wasn't getting shit from them.

Daddy was passed out,
slumped over the easy chair,
a bottle of Jack hanging from his
hand and the cat licking
Cheetos from his hair.

Momma was in the bathtub,
cucumbers over her eyes,
trying to relax, but much to
her suprise...

Atop the roof she her a loud THUMP!
Her first thought was Uncle Mavis
on the roof trying to shoot at
the neighbors because he thinks
that they are conspiring to steal
his Boxcar Willy Vinyl set.

Again came the THUMP so
out of the tub momma jumped.
She threw on a towel and ran out
the door only to discover a
big dead fat guy on the living room floor.

There was daddy,
shotgun in hand and a
gleam in his eye,
"I killed me a burgler baby"
He said as he slapped his thigh.

Oh Momma was pissed,
you could tell by her look,
so she hit daddy over the
head with a big,huge,red book.

"You just shot Santa Claus
you big tub of lard.
Now you have to take and burry
his fat ass in the yard."

So Daddy and Uncle Mavis
drug Santa with the most utter care,
to burry him in the yard in hopes
the town sherrif would
soon not be there.

But when all was said and done
Christmas was not that bad,
all my friends at school were
jealous off all the toys I now had.

"We didn't get squat from Santa
this year, I wonder what happend,
or if it was the reindeer?"

All the kids were curious,
but only Momma, Daddy,
Uncle Mavis and I knew the truth,
and Daddy told me if I spoke a
word he'd yank out a tooth
for every year he was in prison. :mrgreen:
"The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future."
Oscar Wilde

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negatvone
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Post by negatvone » Tue Dec 13, 2005 2:03 pm

ROFLMAO! That is fucking halarious, Jen. I had to call my sister and read it to her. She laughed soo hard, she almost shot tea out of her nostrils. :thumbsup: :mrgreen:

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Phoenix J. Star
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Post by Phoenix J. Star » Tue Dec 13, 2005 2:04 pm

AWSOME!!! Bags posted something that inspired me :mrgreen:
I'm glad that your sister almost shot tea out her nose...that means it's funny :thumbsup:
"The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future."
Oscar Wilde

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Ven
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Post by Ven » Tue Dec 13, 2005 3:15 pm

HaHa ! I almost shot tea outta my nose too :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :thumbsup:
.


"Forever is short thought when your skipping this close to the edge".

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Edgar A. Poe
back from the grave
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Post by Edgar A. Poe » Tue Dec 13, 2005 3:18 pm

There is nothing better than good old Southern humor! I love it!

~Ed
"Children are never too tender to be whipped. Like tough beefsteaks, the more you beat them, the more tender they become." myself

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Eternum 1
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Post by Eternum 1 » Tue Dec 13, 2005 3:22 pm

I could have warned the old commie about visitng America these days.

Funny bit Pheonix. :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
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bags123
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Post by bags123 » Wed Dec 14, 2005 4:14 am

Wonderfully concocted my friend. I'm still giggggggggggling. :thumbsup:
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


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frozentears
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Post by frozentears » Wed Dec 14, 2005 4:31 am

:bow:
A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy? -Einstein

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Phoenix J. Star
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Post by Phoenix J. Star » Wed Dec 14, 2005 6:26 am

:oops: Thanks you guys...I was hoping it would put a smile on your faces....if not force you :mrgreen: to uncontrollably shoot liquids out your noses
"The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future."
Oscar Wilde

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thief of dreams
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Post by thief of dreams » Wed Dec 14, 2005 9:02 am

priceless
"Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings - always darker, emptier and simpler."
Friedrich Nietzsche

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Phoenix J. Star
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Post by Phoenix J. Star » Wed Dec 14, 2005 9:04 am

1 5th of Jack Daniels: $40
1 package of shotgun shells: $30
Waking up Christmas Morning to see Santa Claus dead on your living room floor...PRICLESS... :mrgreen:
"The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future."
Oscar Wilde

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Phoenix J. Star
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Post by Phoenix J. Star » Wed Dec 21, 2005 8:27 am

:bump: I'm only bumping myself because its so close to Christmas :mrgreen:
"The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future."
Oscar Wilde

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bags123
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Post by bags123 » Wed Dec 21, 2005 8:54 am

Phoenix J. Star wrote::bump: I'm only bumping myself because its so close to Christmas :mrgreen:
Oh I thought the reason you bumped it was simply egotism. :mrgreen:
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


Poet of the Month
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Phoenix J. Star
Rock Star Jenni
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Post by Phoenix J. Star » Wed Dec 21, 2005 9:00 am

bags123 wrote:
Phoenix J. Star wrote::bump: I'm only bumping myself because its so close to Christmas :mrgreen:
Oh I thought the reason you bumped it was simply egotism. :mrgreen:

:devil: I just wanted to make sure everyone got a good laugh :mrgreen:
"The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future."
Oscar Wilde

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bags123
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Post by bags123 » Wed Dec 21, 2005 9:02 am

Phoenix J. Star wrote:
bags123 wrote:
Phoenix J. Star wrote::bump: I'm only bumping myself because its so close to Christmas :mrgreen:
Oh I thought the reason you bumped it was simply egotism. :mrgreen:

:devil: I just wanted to make sure everyone got a good laugh :mrgreen:
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


Poet of the Month
March 2011

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